MyLostStarGirl
New Here
Today is a bad day. Not in the sense that I want to die, but more in the way I feel close to death. To my demons. My abuse is waiting to tear me down the second I stop doing something. Celena is beside me whispering in my ear, dragging all her painful memories up. All the ways I failed to save her. My body is hurting in a constant reminder of just how broken and useless I am.
I do not want to die today, my antidepressants make sure I stay away from that particular edge, but I feel like I am already dead. My mother has torn away any chance that I will trust or respect her again. I think of her and can taste the hatred on my tongue. I hate that I feel this way. That she has broken me down and twisted me into a person that has to prepare myself to speak to her. Someone who always thinks the worst just so I'm not hurt by her again. I hate myself for hating her.
I try to distract myself from these thoughts only to find Celena. Constantly there to remind me that my life could have been so different had I just been...there. Today is a bad day. I blame myself for her death today. For her suicide. I know I shouldn't, that it can't really be my fault but as I have said today is a bad day. My body hurts from my flare up, and I am stuck in bed. My mind races around thoughts of my mother and then back to her. My nightmares are haunting my waking hours and I can't seem to run far enough away to make cutting myself seem less then appealing. I hate myself today. It's a bad day.
I do not want to die today, my antidepressants make sure I stay away from that particular edge, but I feel like I am already dead. My mother has torn away any chance that I will trust or respect her again. I think of her and can taste the hatred on my tongue. I hate that I feel this way. That she has broken me down and twisted me into a person that has to prepare myself to speak to her. Someone who always thinks the worst just so I'm not hurt by her again. I hate myself for hating her.
I try to distract myself from these thoughts only to find Celena. Constantly there to remind me that my life could have been so different had I just been...there. Today is a bad day. I blame myself for her death today. For her suicide. I know I shouldn't, that it can't really be my fault but as I have said today is a bad day. My body hurts from my flare up, and I am stuck in bed. My mind races around thoughts of my mother and then back to her. My nightmares are haunting my waking hours and I can't seem to run far enough away to make cutting myself seem less then appealing. I hate myself today. It's a bad day.