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Feeling like i'm already dead

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Today is a bad day. Not in the sense that I want to die, but more in the way I feel close to death. To my demons. My abuse is waiting to tear me down the second I stop doing something. Celena is beside me whispering in my ear, dragging all her painful memories up. All the ways I failed to save her. My body is hurting in a constant reminder of just how broken and useless I am.
I do not want to die today, my antidepressants make sure I stay away from that particular edge, but I feel like I am already dead. My mother has torn away any chance that I will trust or respect her again. I think of her and can taste the hatred on my tongue. I hate that I feel this way. That she has broken me down and twisted me into a person that has to prepare myself to speak to her. Someone who always thinks the worst just so I'm not hurt by her again. I hate myself for hating her.
I try to distract myself from these thoughts only to find Celena. Constantly there to remind me that my life could have been so different had I just been...there. Today is a bad day. I blame myself for her death today. For her suicide. I know I shouldn't, that it can't really be my fault but as I have said today is a bad day. My body hurts from my flare up, and I am stuck in bed. My mind races around thoughts of my mother and then back to her. My nightmares are haunting my waking hours and I can't seem to run far enough away to make cutting myself seem less then appealing. I hate myself today. It's a bad day.
 
Today is a bad day. Not in the sense that I want to die, but more in the way I feel close to dea...
Another woman told me that same thing earlier this week, "I'm already dead." I quoted Billy Crystal in The Princess Bride: You're "only mostly dead." I've felt that way many days. I'm in a trauma hole, grieving the loss of my family. They didn't die, they just let me down too many times. I can't try anymore. It's like getting into a car that you know will crash because it has every other time you've gotten inside. I feel broken. I think the only solution is to find myself, as corny as that sounds. I mean the me who is separate from my trauma, my family, my past. Some days I think I might just disintegrate, vanish, disappear from feeling unloved, un-needed, unwanted, and so alone. Like I'm a ghost. I am in intensive therapy and it sucks. My therapist insists there is a tiny sliver of the "real me" or the me that can live separate from all the trauma. I hope she is right. I see it in other women I know with trauma. It's just hard to see in myself.
 
I felt that way for years, still do....because theres such damage to the mechanism of pleasure or enjoyment.

I made a suicide attempt recently though, and I only half remember doing it. My wife knew something I didn't because she never went to work and went to the local police detachment instead. They were going to utilize their emergency response team, lol, but she convinced them not to thank god.....it was embarrassing enough for me.

So now I'm way more alert to the feeling dead thing, as it seems to me anyways, far more potentially dangerous than I used to think it was. Totally built up I guess.......
 
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