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Feeling Overwhelmed!

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Changing4Best

MyPTSD Pro
I have low blood sodium for which I am required to drink 3 single serving sized bottles of Gatorade per day and no water! This is caused by one of my psych meds. We are lowering the dose, but my blood level of the medicine is such that it will be awhile before I am able to dispense with the Gatorade, which tastes awful. I drink ZERO when I can, as it has no sugar in it and G2 when I must, which is the low calorie version of Gatorade.

The sciatic nerve pain is often painful and causes me to be unable to sit for any length of time. I have huge hospital bills to pay and in general have been feeling anxiety about all this. My life is filled with physical therapy appointments and exercises that I need to do every day twice. It hurts to sit for any length of time, so I end up laying down a lot. This has disrupted my life! I cannot even go see my therapist, but have to lay down to talk to her by phone from home (a much less helpful situation, as she has no way to read my body language or facial expressions, etc. All she has to go by are my words and my tone of voice, and that is all I have from her as well).

I used to attend the local Senior Center every day and have lunch there with my friends. I miss them so, but I just cannot sit for the 2-3 hours that we sit there every day, nor can I go, since I have to go to Physical Therapy twice per week or go to other Dr.s appointments, etc.

Church, which is usually a solace for me, is an agony. Either I have to stand up and lean against the back wall, or sit in agony. I go to Sunday School before church too, so it is a 2-3 hour ordeal every Sunday. And yet I love God, my pastor, my church and its people. I refuse not to go!

The medical bills are probably about $2,000 worth, and growing. I know there are others that I have yet to receive, and I have no clue how much they will cost. I live on a very low fixed income, so can only pay small amounts on each bill. It will take me years to pay all these off most likely. I am so poor, for instance, that I cannot afford to have a TV, because I can't afford cable. I cannot afford to pay for my own phone minutes, my sister pays them. Then this month, my niece had a lot of problems in her life and called me and cried on my shoulder, so now I am low on minutes for the month. I will need to ask my sister for a 2nd card and she will not be pleased, even though it is her daughter. My other option is to ask my niece for the phone card, but she is a school teacher and probably won't have the money. It might also deter her from calling me for help when she needs it in the future, which I don't want to do. I love her dearly and want to be there for her!

My life is a mess. I feel so overwhelmed that I have been thinking of suicide, but thankfully don't have a plan or anything like that. It is just SI at this point, but it is bothering me, when it comes on in fleeting little thoughts on and off throughout my days.

If you pray, please pray for me. If not, just think kind thoughts out into the universe for me or light a candle for me or whatever you do for folks to help them feel better. And, of course, supportive responses here will be more than welcome here!
 
My "help me!" phrase is a prayer: "God, I know you can heal people, in Your mercy please place Your divine finger of healing upon me and take away my suffering. In Your Son's blessed name, Amen."
 
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I have talked over the use of pain meds with several folks who have had extensive experience with them over the last 24 hours and I have decided against them. I am told they mess with your memory a lot, and that as time goes on you need more and more of them and more powerful ones too. I don't want to go through that. I cannot see being hooked to them for the rest of my life, so I have decided against them for now anyway.

I am looking into a procedure for Sciatica that involves sonic waves. A friend that I have known for many years has had this procedure and I am willing to try it if it is available around here. It is a new thing, so I don't know if it is available around these parts of our country yet, as we are kind of 20 years behind the times with a lot of things here, which is usually the way I like things, being rather an old fashioned girl. I will ask my Dr. about it anyway, and see what she knows. I know I will have to go to see a Specialist for it. UGH! I hate seeing so many Medical Proffessionals, it can get to be exhausting after awhile!
 
I woke up feeling depressed today, because of the pain and that it is not getting much better, if at all. It is making life impossible for me, who can live a life without sitting for more than 5 minutes at a time without feeling awful pain? We do so much sitting down! I am sad and angry now about all this!!!!

Yesterday, my Physicsal Therapist told me that there is no back Dr. in this area and that I will have to travel at least an hour from here (probably more) just to go see one. Then, I don't want surgery! I have heard too many horror stories about how surgery only creates conplications and in the long run requires further surgeries. I don't want to end up on the "cutting block" over and over again, owing huge surgeons' bills.

How can I live laying down or standing for the rest of my life? Or being addicted to pain relievers that will need to be given to me in stronger and stronger doses until finally there won't be a thing that can help me but morphene? (ANd that is no help, how can one life any kind of decent life when one's mind is fogged beyond recognition from such a drug)?

I am feeling very sad today and hopeless. I still feel overwhelmed too, of course.
 
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