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Feeling scared of anger

Discussion in 'Dysregulation' started by Treaty, Jan 18, 2018.

  1. Treaty

    Treaty Active Member

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    I think acknowledging that the person never cared is an emotional issue. One I can deal with in time.

    But the ptsd symptom triggerer for me is the denial and lack of acknowledgment and that twisting of reality. It makes me feel very frustrated and desperate.

    And former tip to myself from a journal. When dealing with a toxic person any exposure to their narrative can hurt you. Any exposure to them exposes you to their narrative. And it’s toxic because it’s so not reality.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 2, 2018
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  3. Bearlinda

    Bearlinda On the way to find out :-) Premium Member Donated

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    Hi @Treaty just wanted to say that I had a similar crazy making relationship and someone here suggested I read the verbally abusive relationship by Patricia Evans it helped a lot. Great that you blocked him and are feeling better.
     
  4. Treaty

    Treaty Active Member

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    Thank you for the support. It’s interesting though the verbal abuse wasn’t like I experienced when I was in an abusive relationship at 21. That abuse was different. That was like you are stupid. I’m embarrassed by you because you are so stupid. I could never introduce you to my mom because she would wonder what was wrong with me. You might find some someone who wants to have sex with you but you will have a hard time finding someone to love you.

    This was more psychological. It was like using anything that could hurt me psychologically and attempting to get deep in my brain. For example if he knew I felt bad about something he would continually try to trigger it. And it was like you are bad and you shameful. It was really as if he wanted me to just crumble under the weight of being a bad person. Just way in my brain and my business but yet not focusing at all on himself in anyway. And he would still call himself a good person through all of it. No responsibility for actions. Possibly just a complete denial of them. He made it seem so minor that he did this to me and so inconsequential. It drove me crazy in a way the first example didn’t. That just didn’t help with my confidence. But it didn’t drive me crazy.

    I think it is a huge bpd manifestation in this way. Like just lashing out and warped perspective. But in any case I’ve thank you for the recommendation. Maybe it can help me with both wounds. Being drive crazy like this hurts.
     
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  5. Treaty

    Treaty Active Member

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    Not to alarm anyone but I feel in a little bit of desperate need for mental health and I don’t even feel well enough to figure out how. What do I do?

    I guess I mean like what is the best way to go in this circumstance?

    I mean where is the best place to go?
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 14, 2018 at 1:00 AM
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  6. littleoc

    littleoc Active Member Donated

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    That depends on what's going on exactly, but I would definitely be sure you keep human company (or other if necessary) and try to ground yourself asap.

    I hope you're okay
     
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  7. Treaty

    Treaty Active Member

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    I’m embarrassing myself in public. I’m having almost public outburst and it’s crazy and it’s not like me. I live in a small area and I could really feel destroyed living here if I do this.

    I can’t even believe myself. I’m like scary yelling at him. Not at all times but I’ll escalate myself.

    I changed my phone number and felt better. But then I ran into him again living in this small place. I have this almost drug like desire to say things or make a point.

    I am really ruining my ability to feel okay living here. Which I have to feel okay here at least for a while.

    I have cut off contact but I feel triggered by the fact that he lives here. When I see his car that’s when I’ll struggle with going into a mode. He moved to my small area so it also feels like an invasion.

    Either way I guess my point in none of this should be happening. If I’m at least a risk of embarrassing myself I need to remove myself somehow. I mean looking back when this first started happening severe actions might be worthwhile because it needed to stop immediately.

    I do have human company I’m really lucky. Unfortunate my human company...it’s a lot to put on a person. He was with me before when I wasn’t doing good and it almost ruined our relationship.
     
    Last edited by a moderator: Feb 13, 2018
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  8. Treaty

    Treaty Active Member

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    And now I’m okay again. It’s like a switch. I know the more days I go without seeing him the better I feel. I screwed up and talked to him up last friday. if I had not done that I probably would be doing better now. It’s always okay a little initially. Which makes me think it’s a tool I can use. And then Saturday, Sunday, Monday. All horribly embarrassing days where I sank even lower. And actually I am now having a very hard time with how I even feel about myself after that.
     
    Freida likes this.
  9. littleoc

    littleoc Active Member Donated

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    Did you get a therapist? I can't quite remember. I think learning new ways to handle knowing he exists without engaging would be useful (you already know that) but I'm not personally sure how to do that :(
     
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  10. Treaty

    Treaty Active Member

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    No I am going to. I’ve never been to the hospital for these types of situation. I guess I was wondering what the best of the worst options are.

    I will no longer engage because I have actually seen now that this is getting him sympathy and support. In fact I almost feel like this is on purpose. But I see now how engagement is basically backfiring against me. So just no way. But I do wish I could have taken myself away physically from here. In fact maybe that might be just as good as a facility that keeps me from engaging.

    Thanks for the advice to do grounding shit. And to have people. I realize how much I need to bolster for this when I’m not suffering. Anyway thanks
     
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  11. mumstheword

    mumstheword I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    This kind of abuse cuts deep. Care is needed to honour your process of grief and recovery for and from, psyche injury.
    To counter it you need validation, acceptance, to be heard and understood, increased self-care, time, self-love, understanding and lots of compassion for yourself. Just for starters!:joyful:. I know this is painful. I really, unfortunately, know, only too well. I'm wishing you well and that you find what you need to recover, sooner rather than later.
     
    littleoc, Freida and Treaty like this.
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