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Feeling So Angry Today

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Killashandra

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I am feeling so angry today. I don't know how to constructively release it Instead of internalizing it.
I want to throw something.. yell... scream.. stamp my feet.. break stuff.. punch something.. I hate these feelings. They feel so out of control that I spend my day trying to not allow it out.. there has to be a way of doing it without the physical aspect. I don't want my daughter seeing me out of control. I don't want my husband to either. But it's bubbling under the surface. The only thing I can do is let them know I'm not good today and to reassure them it's not them.. my anxiety is through the roof today and I can't stop shaking. I'm restless. And twitchy.
Let's see if I can release some here.

I'm angry at my mother and all my so called father figures. How dare they destroy my life and make me suffer for being born. How F&*Ken dare they! I don't wish bad on anyone but these people.
I'm so angry that my life has been harder then what it could have been.
I'm angry for missing out on the childhood I should have had. The education I could have had. All the could of and what ifs .
I'm angry because of the stupid laws and insurances that don't cover or help mental illness. Why should we the suffers continue to suffer because of something that wasn't in our control. We just tried to cope to the best of our small bodies ability. That's all. And to be honest the fact that we have come as far as to have insurance for things means we're doing better yes? I mean honestly. Some of us never get out of the cycle of family abuse, but some do.it doesn't matter to them.
It shouldn't be made out to be hidden and taboo. Damn it! In home abuse is just as bad as institutional abuse, sometimes even worse as we can escape. Sure a 6 yr old can run away and look after themselves ... I see that everyday! NOT! So why is there nothing for us except hard work and stigma.
Why isn't there more help for dysfunctional families. Why do they slip through the cracks.
The injustice of it all frustrates me so much today.
Damn my mother to hell I don't care if she has her own damn issues. Her job was to protect her children and care and nuture. Instead she made us her slaves and belittled us into thinking we were never good enough. Allowed her daughter to be violated and abused while she knew.. and still in her sick mind thought I was the one seducing her husband, so she despised me and made me work for any scrap of affection. Be her live in nanny to care for the children she had. Criticized everything and made me believe there was nothing to live for in life.
I don't feel that my needs are as important because she and her husbands. And I'm angry for that too!
I'm angry at the crappy parenting. I'm angry that I feel so uncomfortable about the recovery process of self moth in and self fathering. I didn't even read that section. I just couldn't. I feel I don't deserve that kind of compassion and empathy. My choices since I became an adult have been a Rollercoaster. My husband has suffered at my illness, and me, my daughter... I don't even want to think what I may have done to her.. I hope with all my heart I haven't caused any extra pain for her. She is such a sweet soul.
Ugh now I'm crying and I don't want to. Suck it up princess. Stop being such a drama queen.
 
Doesn't sound like drama to me, sounds like healing !!!! Sounds like you are angry at the ones who let you down, didn't protect you, made you 'less than'.... good for you !!!! I have been there, many times... may go there again... but we aren't mad at us for that time we are screaming the injustice of it all.... I feel what you said tonight took courage and it is damned ok to be angry at the way things turned out..... very proud of you..... and don't even think about beating yourself up for being honest about a really crappy childhood... it's YOUR truth and you get to scream it out until it doesn't hurt so bad... thank you for sharing this tonight..... sending you lots of gentle hugs if you accept them.
 
Thankyou ladee I appreciate your validation. I truly do.
It's hard to be angry when you feel guilty for displaying such rightful anger. But I'll get there. :)
And yes please I'll have those hugs.
 
Yes, you'll get there.... just give yourself to be human... hope you are feeling better today. If not post some more !!! Gentle hugs
 
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