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Feeling Somewhat Suicidal Tonight

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Fadeaway

MyPTSD Pro
Not at a place where I am going to do anything, but not sure how long I can go on like this. I want something I can never have. I want want what was taken from me that I can never get back. I want to stop wanting. I want to find something to replace the desire for something I can never have.

I want family. What little blood relatives I dead have are all dead except for one and she thrives on my pain. My children where kidnapped by my abuser 8 years ago. He promised if I ever left him I would never see my kids again. I should have stayed. Hope hurts too much anymore because anytime I have hope of being reunited with them it is shot to hell. (please no comments about this, I have been through it all heard it all. "fight harder to get it in the news blah blah" I have done all I can do. People think giving advice on how to find them helps, it doesn't, what ever advice you can come up with, I have tried already. It literally drove me insane. It has been EIGHT YEARS stolen from me that I can never get back).

The worst is that I want nothing more than to be a mother. My ex forced me to get my tubes tied at a time my therapist says no Dr. should have ever agreed to because I was not mentally capable of consenting at the time. (fresh after my mothers suicide and death of a family friend and 2 children hospitalised on top of physical abuse had left me in a total dissociated state at the time the surgery took place).

This means I can never be a mother. I try to replace my desire for family and children with other things but there is nothing. I want to stop missing my kids, I want it to stop consuming my thoughts. I want the desire to have another child, one that I can do things right with, to go away.
I want the desire to have a sibling or parents I could talk to, to go away. I want the pain of everything I have been through to go away.

I want to find something in life I can be passionate about and enjoy. I fear that in 20 years I will have no positive memories to look back on like I don't have any now. My life was nothing but abuse until my kids were kidnapped by their father, and nothing but pain since. I try so hard to be ok. I spend all my time trying not to think about it, trying to distract myself, but nights like tonight it just comes crashing down. I guess I just don't have enough distractions in my life.
 
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Hi fadeaway.

You sound like you're in a really dark place. I'm so sorry that you have found yourself there.

I lost my kids due to my ex as well. And it sucks. Were you in a violent marriage? I ask because I was and my ex husband used the threat that if I left him, he would tell child protection that I was a drug abuser (which I wasn't) and that he would get the kids. He made good on the threat too. This actually happened. I lost custody of them because of his lies. I also lost my car and my house at the same time because of him. I lost everything and I found myself suicidal. I don't know why I'm still here sometimes, but for me I kept living for my kids even if they weren't with me. I realized that I had to carry on no matter what because I didn't want my children to grow up knowing that their mother killed herself. Even when they were not in my custody. I hope and pray that you can find a way to carry on.
 
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Yes, I was in a very violent marriage.

I realized that I had to carry on no matter what because I didn't want my children to grow up knowing that their mother killed herself.
That is what kept me going for a long time, but now, I am not so sure.
 
I was in a really violent marriage as well. If you want to talk privately don't hesitate to leave a message on my profile page. I am also new here.
 
I am so sorry your children were stolen from you and that you are in such a dark place right now. I have no similar experience, but I just want to say that I sympathize and I hope you will soon get some light back in your life.
 
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