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Relationship Feeling Stuck In Limbo...

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Since my previous post, the storm seems to have settled. I still have anger here and there in him confiding more to her than me. I've been praying and reaching out to my pastors. He's finally getting help with ptsd and going to pain management which I am happy. I slightly try and talk about the previous weeks and he listens and we have little discussions on what we should do next. With him I am such a push over, bc I would have left already if it was another relationship. I can't help but feel like one minute were are ok and we are going to arrive at the same destination so to speak and then the next it's all uncertainty. I told him it's not fair to me. I need to have a more clear understanding on where we stand and where we are going. He always says that he can't live without me and that he doesn't want to let me go. That he loves me and needs me more in his life now. And then later on, he'll say just because we love each other and care for one another doesn't mean we have to be together. We can be great friends. That "this is the beginning of everything." Pull and push pull and push. Ugh.

I've never been with him here before. I read around this site that this is common, and trust me, I am not a newbie to ptsd. We both aren't done and we have gone thru so so so much together, that it seems silly to throw it all away.
Insight/advice welcome from both sides. For supporters what did you do to better the situation? Did you stay and fight? When did you call it quits?

Sometimes I wish I can see what he really is thinking?
 
@Sweetpea76 he goes back and forth. Today according to him, he needs to just focus on him. Not any other relationship. Just him. I'm moving out. Today was hasty and a blur. I'm hurting. I don't know what to do.
 
can you explain his ptsd Issues a little? I have struggled in relationships and i guess i still do but I could maybe give you a little insight and let you decide whats best for the two of you. Also I noticed you mentioned Pastor and that's very good to keep God and His knowledge involed. I have been told I have compound PTSD and I think that just means PTSD on top of PSTD lol. When i was a child at 5 I was gang raped by other kids and even though it did not hurt it messed with me much later when i remembered about it. All my life growing up was beaten by parents. And finally in the ARMY had combat exposure. Most days is okay but physical pain from my military time raises the PTSD level and when the narcotics kick in sometimes they make a temperary cure as "all is right in the world" for a few minutes. But in the end we only have a moments we can breathe and yet we are still swimming and trying not to drown. I have always had a hard time talking to my loved ones about my PTSD because first we worry that they may see us with pitty or fear after they hear from us. Also by mistake maybe wehave had a spouse or friend who out of anger called us "crazy" or "sissy" maybe a few other choice words. My wife for example has tryed to say I am a wussy for falling on the ptsd excuse before and several times said "okay Mr. PTSD crazy @SS#073 and stuff like that. Although those kinds of words have not came from her in a long time they are always in the back of my mind. I guess the advise I would like tooffer depends on "his" type of PTSD as well as what kind of arrguements have you both had that you mentioned? Also I have had a friend who once came to me and explained how he was feeling after his wife and him had been fighting he said he wanted to slip his medication into his children's food so they never would have to live long enough to see the painful world he lived in, then violently kill his wife, and its so bizarre the stuff that we think sometimes that we know our partners might not understand us is another reason why we keep silent. P.S. yes that friend i took to get admitted right away and he got the help he needed, and his wife and him divorced and he is a good father to his children.
 
@Danyel Lee Gaede
Wow! Glad your friend is doing better now.
He has combat ptsd from two tours in Iraq and a tbi. Our argument started about me questioning him about just our relationship and his whereabouts. I posted previously on here on our issue. Earlier in the day today he was so positive on us, and I question him regarding his phone and he got defensive and ended things. He also started ptsd medication and feels like a zombie.
 
I can't help but feel like one minute were are ok and we are going to arrive at the same destination so to speak and then the next it's all uncertainty. I told him it's not fair to me. I need to have a more clear understanding on where we stand and where we are going. He always says that he can't live without me and that he doesn't want to let me go. That he loves me and needs me more in his life now. And then later on, he'll say just because we love each other and care for one another doesn't mean we have to be together. We can be great friends. That "this is the beginning of everything." Pull and push pull and push. Ugh.

I've never been with him here before. I read around this site that this is common, and trust me, I am not a newbie to ptsd. We both aren't done and we have gone thru so so so much together, that it seems silly to throw it all away.
Insight/advice welcome from both sides. For supporters what did you do to better the situation? Did you stay and fight? When did you call it quits?

. Not any other relationship. Just him. I'm moving out. Today was hasty and a blur. I'm hurting.

These are the parts that stand out to me.

I've never been with him here before. If you both have been doing this for awhile, and this is brand new behavior? He likely doesn't know what's going on, either. Or how to cope with it. Much less the best/worst ways. It makes sense you two are struggling with it.

I told him it's not fair to me. I need to have a more clear understanding on where we stand and where we are going. If this is something you need, it's probably best to call it quits. At least for a time, given his current symptoms, I'd lay money he has no ability to meet that particular need right now, and probably won't for months if not longer. If it's a desire, instead of a need, then that can be worked with. But PTSD mid tailspin? Is like being rolled in a wave, or down a hill. The ability to tell which way is up? Vanishes. You might know briefly, and then get knocked over by another wave, or stop rolling down the hill, stand up, and fall off a cliff. When I'm bad I can't tell what the next hour will bring, much less tomorrow, and forget about next week. Longer? Oy vey. I'm used to planning things out by seasons & years. Being reduced to hours at best? Frustrating doesn't even begin to describe it. Mentally, it feels like the difference between sober/drunk. Not tipsy, buzzed, or anything that you retain some ability to think, but completely shitfaced, piss drunk. You can't just will yourself sober. The inability to grok the future? To think through the noise in my head? Sometimes I know Im being irrational, most often not. It's not that I don't want clearly defined goals & understanding. It's that I simply cannot process it. Stuck in survival mode & living moment to moment. It manifests differently in people, but it seems like most of us get to this place, at least occasionally. Everything sure becomes unsure, everything certain becomes question, and the only thing that's "real" is this moment. Irrational or not.

Did you stay and fight? When did you call it quits?
As a sufferer I've always run. I don't have the energy to fight a battle on 2 different fronts, so once my relationship became a battle? I was gone. Don't usually have the energy to fight only on one front. So I've always left. To my great detriment. I've had people fight for me, and even come close to winning, but I've always managed to either give them the slip, or sabotage things badly enough I make them leave. This was before I knew it was PTSD. I don't know what I'd do now that I can see these patterns. Something that keeps striking me, however, is that we were taught to call "retreat" ... "fighting in a different direction". In reading on the supporters side... It seems like that's what allows things so often to work: allowing the space to get your head on straight, and picking back up. Accepting that there are times space & isolation is needed, and both allowing it and planning for it.

Today was hasty and a blur. In my own life, these days are usually both regrettable, and fixable. Not always, but usually. Also hardly confined to relationships. But haste & confusion are always signs I need to check myself, and see what damage has been done. LOL 'Marry in haste, repent at leisure' also comes to mind. Not as applying to your situation. Just that haste being the hallmark of emergencies or bad decisions, seems to be a theme throughout humanity.
 
@FridayJones

Your is soo helpful!!! I appreciate it!!!
Yeah, he says the new ptsd meds are becoming him feel weird. He is drowsy and feels like a zombie like. Didn't have any emotions and feels empty. Like a dead man walking. He broke down to me last night and he said that it's a combination of things. Bc of all the pills and medication his kidney is very weak, he can go into dyalisis at anytime, his PTSD meds, and his lack of intimacy with me and Desire to be intimate with me makes him insecure and he feels worthless. That right now having any title gives him anxiety. I try and explain to him that in here for him. He told me that once his health is back to up and he has healed that we can talk about us again...maybe in a year. He's said he prefers that I don't move on bc that will kill him, and I'm just like WTF.
I guess right now I have to decide what it's best for me. How much can I take?

I am so thankful for this site. Thank you all.
 
Sounds like he is pushing you away for a lot of stuff and might be using his medical issues as an excuse for something else, but this is just speculation sister. I am a Christian as I believe your past post shows you might be as well so I also suggest you explain this to a pastor and get minister advise about how to proceed sister. I will send prayers your way and his way.
 
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@Danyel Lee Gaede

Thank you! I am Christian, and so is he although right now he isn't worishiping. The storm is settling and passing. He visited me at work today. Confused me. Wanted to talk to me so we did. Essentially, he doesn't know what he is doing or what he is done. That he doesn't want me to move on and that he doesn't want to move on. Confused even more. I told him that he hasnt lost me yet, and not to lose. That it is all recent still and maybe time will do both of us good. He doesn't want to let me go and neither do I. I was doing good too. Not contacting him, I guess he felt me withdrawing and freaked out. I don't mean to sound mean but I think he needs to know what life without me is for a few days, even a week. He is pushing me away giving me the textbook ptsd "You are too good for me" "I am damaged goods" "I don't want to take you down with me" But I tried the no replying to his calls/texts and he shows up to my work. LOL...oh boy this is insanity.

Like I mentioned before he has never exhibited this behavior towards me, so it's new to him and I. What is the best way of dealing with it? Set my foot down or give it time and continue being reassuring? I still have anger towards him from his indiscretion. I need to realize the anger. In the meantime, I am still living my life and reconnecting with friends, and focusing on my career.

All of your comments and feedback have been really nurturing to me. I find myself reading them throughout the day. Hugs to all. Wishing you all the best!
 
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Ya i have been there before, it is insanity right? lol. I am glad to hear you are doing good sister. I will keep praying for you both. best advise i can give is do what you are doing be there for him when he seeks you but give him the space when he needs it. Just make sure you are okay because our ptsd can cause depression in our partners. If it gets to feel too much for you then you can give him the option to be all in or all out, but if you are a strong woman and can deal with our ptsd crazzieness then do what you are doing. Be sure to tell him next time he comes to you that you love him and he needs to show you his love for you or someday you might close the door to your heart, tell him you can be his "Helper"as God intended woman to be but you are not his door mat. explain that he need to work on his problems and your relationship and you will give him time but it needs to show improvement.
 
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