• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Feeling Vulnerable In 12 Step Communities

Status
Not open for further replies.
As a survivor of childhood sexual trauma, when I experience sexual predation by others as an adult, I struggle with handling it and then releasing it to my higher power. I wanted to share a gift I got from God recently.

Some of you know that I was sexually harassed and preyed upon by someone (more than a decade older than me) in my local Overeaters Anonymous community, starting about half way through my first year in program. After five months of saying no, and feeling like I had to "put principles before personalities" by gagging my experience of that "outside issue" I ended up sleeping with her, hoping the harassment would stop. Sometimes, after people get what they want, they stop asking for it, so I took this risk after my "no" to her interest was repeatedly ignored. Anyway, it escalated after that and, after another half a year of trying to extricate myself, I finally did.

However, it came at a price: further harassment came but I stayed anyway and even gave service to the organization, which helped me feel secure to stay. After all, aside from the "Wild West" style of managing predatory behavior and sexual harassment (the person who seeks support is either shamed for reaching out instead of turning to God, or they're just left with "supportive prayers"), the program itself had some really good parts.

One of the things that happened as part of that was that she had explicit and degrading sexual conversations about me, via text, with her sponsor and then would screenshot and send me the conversations as a form of intimidation. They discussed my sexual appeal and how I am in bed, for example.

So for the past year+, every time she or her sponsor would make eye contact with me, or sometimes even just be in the same room, I felt like a rotting pile of garbage. In therapy, and through step work, I've been working to overcome that feeling. The biggest key so far has been acknowledging that there is a rotting pile of garbage in the room, but it's not me. It's just two people's choice to enjoy talking about me in a sexual way and one of their choices to forward the conversations to me. While I believe their actions are a rotting pile of garbage, not them specifically, it's still hard to be in that space, even when I "work my program."

When I take a deep breath, feel my feet on the ground, acknowledge the rotting pile of garbage and, most importantly, remember that I'm not the garbage and the garbage doesn't belong to me, I can stay centered and have a meeting that feels safe, self-caring and healthy. And if I feel like I can't stay at that meeting because it's too much for me that day, I give myself permission to leave and do other self care. The whole situation brought part of my recovery fromPTSD to a halt and it's been hard work trying to move forward.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? If not like this, is anyone else here in a 12 step program or has tried one? Has it impacted your PTSD recovery?
 
I was involved with 12steps for many years. I went to NA 2high things like you described were quickly taken care of. NA is a little rougher crowd so I'm sure a few Traditions were stepped on. But everyone felt safe.
NA and my focused healing with PTSD worked hand in hand. One thing 12 steps helped me to do was not stay focused on the problem and find a solution.
For one thing I didn't want to get high again and walk back into that Life.
So yes. I feel those of us who have 12 step affiliation have a huge safety net because we get so much support from the groups and one on one with sponsors. Sorry you felt that you felt you had no way out.
Did you speak with your sponsor about this?
 
I've been to quite a few different 12 step groups. I think everything except NA and I also tried Celebrate Recovery groups.

I think you have to be very mindful that you are with other folks who are also in recovery. People are unwell. I was harmed by someone in an Al Anon group. Kind of weird I guess as these are the most chill 12 step meetings I've ever been to across the board. Then again, we are all pretty damaged when growing up in alcoholic and abusive homes, so some people work out their issues in an unhealthy way. As a result, I stopped going to the 3 groups we attended together. A shame as they were awesome groups with a great deal of recovery. I couldn't, however, expose myself to the stress of her actions and the shallow 13 yr. old taking of sides that I felt would ensue.

Since you're benefitting from the OA program, have you tried finding another meeting? If not OA, maybe try EDA (Eating Disorders Anon)? I really like their program, it's very gentle. I agree with @ladee in that focusing on solutions and learning to retrain your mind is very helpful when working on PTSD. I just think abusive survivors have to be a little extra careful when interacting with others and with what we share. Maybe I'm jaded, but I've learned the hard way that it is my responsibility to watch out for and advocate for myself. Also, "NO" is a complete sentence and it's okay for me to use it that way.

I'm very sorry for what you've been through and hope you find a group that you find helpful and safe.
 
I agree with the idea of trying a different meeting. Even if it's a different "theme" they should still be welcoming and the basic lessons and tone should be there. Years ago I had a friend who was an alcoholic and I ended up going with him to some NA meetings. NA because we knew someone already going and didn't want to go with strangers. Unfortunately, my friend never got anything out of it, but I did. As a child of a drug addict and someone who has made excuses for addicted and alcoholic friends my whole life, it helped me quite a lot. I think getting in with the right group is the best thing, and this group doesn't seem to be for you.

When things like that go on, aren't you supposed to report it or whatever to your sponsor and they talk to the other person's sponsor? I had gotten the impression that people tried to keep that kind of thing from happening in these groups.
 
I got a lot out of NA. Possibly because of a large First Responder/EMS population (cops, firefighters, paramedics) bullshit really wasn't tolerated... But because of a large med & educators community (Docs, Nurses, LCSWs, teachers, professors) explanations as to why bullshit wasn't tolerated were lobbed down on equal measure. It made for a very self-correcting ship overall.

I've found that to be fairly typical of NA, although not universal; it's a much rougher crowd prone to being really blunt, with both friends and newcomers, alike... Than AA which is a much larger organization, and tends to have a bazillion little subgroups and cliques. Some very predatory, some very 13th steppy, some just effin moronic. But that's people for you. The larger the group? The more variety in personality & application. Sometimes that's a good thing. Other times egos run riot.

That business with this chick and her sponsor would have been put down fast & finally in the NA group I belonged to. In the AA group, it woulda been a major problem x10, as various groups fought amongst themselves.

So while I'm no longer affiliated with 12-Step programs, I'm deeply appreciative of both my time there, and the personalities I fell in with :) Mostly. I learned a helluva lot, that's for certain.
 
Yikes! I guess it has been 20+ years since my days in a 12 step program & if I had know that I had PTSD then, I might have been able to get more "positive" stuff from those meetings. Instead, what I DID learn was how to keep pushing my limits & moving my boundaries, trying to find that "bottom" that everyone was always talking about! I always walked away from those meetings feeling like I didn't belong there & when I stumbled upon a group then called ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics), I started to see where my skewed thinking started (still I had no idea I had PTSD).

I literally had to take myself to hell on earth & back again many times until I got my official diagnosis. I tell you this because all the time I was sitting in those AA, NA & ACA meetings, I was wondering why the blind were allowed to lead the blind & no real professional kind of counseling or advice was going on in those rooms! Coffee & cookies were great when I was broke & hungry, but most of the people I met just wanted to rip me off when my check came.

So, for me, I think private one on one counseling & small ACA groups helped me to cope with the world until I did find out what was really happening to my brain! I always had trouble with the phrase, "Let go & let God", because I am a devout atheist with Pagan/Druid roots. As for that 13th step stuff, I realized I was also I sex addict & that place was far too easy pickins for me! Like I said, I think I learned to do more wrong than right, so I KNOW that the saying "WHAT YOU SAY HERE STAYS HERE", was like an invitation for people to talk smack about you. It works if ya work it - LOL - I left because it was too much work for me to stay away from the same people I was once in jail with!:mask::chicken::p
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top