MapleTreeSunset
New Here
As a survivor of childhood sexual trauma, when I experience sexual predation by others as an adult, I struggle with handling it and then releasing it to my higher power. I wanted to share a gift I got from God recently.
Some of you know that I was sexually harassed and preyed upon by someone (more than a decade older than me) in my local Overeaters Anonymous community, starting about half way through my first year in program. After five months of saying no, and feeling like I had to "put principles before personalities" by gagging my experience of that "outside issue" I ended up sleeping with her, hoping the harassment would stop. Sometimes, after people get what they want, they stop asking for it, so I took this risk after my "no" to her interest was repeatedly ignored. Anyway, it escalated after that and, after another half a year of trying to extricate myself, I finally did.
However, it came at a price: further harassment came but I stayed anyway and even gave service to the organization, which helped me feel secure to stay. After all, aside from the "Wild West" style of managing predatory behavior and sexual harassment (the person who seeks support is either shamed for reaching out instead of turning to God, or they're just left with "supportive prayers"), the program itself had some really good parts.
One of the things that happened as part of that was that she had explicit and degrading sexual conversations about me, via text, with her sponsor and then would screenshot and send me the conversations as a form of intimidation. They discussed my sexual appeal and how I am in bed, for example.
So for the past year+, every time she or her sponsor would make eye contact with me, or sometimes even just be in the same room, I felt like a rotting pile of garbage. In therapy, and through step work, I've been working to overcome that feeling. The biggest key so far has been acknowledging that there is a rotting pile of garbage in the room, but it's not me. It's just two people's choice to enjoy talking about me in a sexual way and one of their choices to forward the conversations to me. While I believe their actions are a rotting pile of garbage, not them specifically, it's still hard to be in that space, even when I "work my program."
When I take a deep breath, feel my feet on the ground, acknowledge the rotting pile of garbage and, most importantly, remember that I'm not the garbage and the garbage doesn't belong to me, I can stay centered and have a meeting that feels safe, self-caring and healthy. And if I feel like I can't stay at that meeting because it's too much for me that day, I give myself permission to leave and do other self care. The whole situation brought part of my recovery fromPTSD to a halt and it's been hard work trying to move forward.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? If not like this, is anyone else here in a 12 step program or has tried one? Has it impacted your PTSD recovery?
Some of you know that I was sexually harassed and preyed upon by someone (more than a decade older than me) in my local Overeaters Anonymous community, starting about half way through my first year in program. After five months of saying no, and feeling like I had to "put principles before personalities" by gagging my experience of that "outside issue" I ended up sleeping with her, hoping the harassment would stop. Sometimes, after people get what they want, they stop asking for it, so I took this risk after my "no" to her interest was repeatedly ignored. Anyway, it escalated after that and, after another half a year of trying to extricate myself, I finally did.
However, it came at a price: further harassment came but I stayed anyway and even gave service to the organization, which helped me feel secure to stay. After all, aside from the "Wild West" style of managing predatory behavior and sexual harassment (the person who seeks support is either shamed for reaching out instead of turning to God, or they're just left with "supportive prayers"), the program itself had some really good parts.
One of the things that happened as part of that was that she had explicit and degrading sexual conversations about me, via text, with her sponsor and then would screenshot and send me the conversations as a form of intimidation. They discussed my sexual appeal and how I am in bed, for example.
So for the past year+, every time she or her sponsor would make eye contact with me, or sometimes even just be in the same room, I felt like a rotting pile of garbage. In therapy, and through step work, I've been working to overcome that feeling. The biggest key so far has been acknowledging that there is a rotting pile of garbage in the room, but it's not me. It's just two people's choice to enjoy talking about me in a sexual way and one of their choices to forward the conversations to me. While I believe their actions are a rotting pile of garbage, not them specifically, it's still hard to be in that space, even when I "work my program."
When I take a deep breath, feel my feet on the ground, acknowledge the rotting pile of garbage and, most importantly, remember that I'm not the garbage and the garbage doesn't belong to me, I can stay centered and have a meeting that feels safe, self-caring and healthy. And if I feel like I can't stay at that meeting because it's too much for me that day, I give myself permission to leave and do other self care. The whole situation brought part of my recovery fromPTSD to a halt and it's been hard work trying to move forward.
Has anyone else experienced something like this? If not like this, is anyone else here in a 12 step program or has tried one? Has it impacted your PTSD recovery?