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Feelings Are Coming Back and Its Hard

Discussion in 'General' started by moki, Apr 18, 2007.

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  1. moki

    moki Guest

    Hello all,
    My ther. has been telling me for some time that the two sides of my brain aren't 'talking' to each other. I'd researched enough about PTSD to understand what that meant, but I was still really angry about going on ssri's, but was willing to give it another try (been on them several times before). I have been on lexapro for 11 days.

    In marriage counseling, it has been easy for me to zone out, and when not zoning out, just feeling nothing even when I tried to particpate. He kept trying to get me to feel compassion for my husband...but nothing was there. I went through (and am still going through) a period of intense anxiety, especially after doing a lot of writing, paralleling my feelings toward my asshole stepfather and how I was transferring these feelings onto my husband. This was a big breakthrough for me, since I finally "got it", as far as why I was behaving the way I was toward my husband (extreme anger, repulsion, resentment,etc). Honestly, he's a good guy and doesn't deserve it.

    I woke up this morning feeling really weird. At first I thought, "maybe this is just depression", but it didn't feel like any depression I'd ever had before. It felt like a horrible almost unbearable sadness, which is not how I usually am when I'm depressed. Then I took a nap, and when I woke up I knew what it was. I was feeling my heart breaking...for how sick I really have been, for how devastating this illness is, and for the damage it has already caused in my life and with my relationships, most notably with my husband.

    I was/am feeling emotions that I cannot ever remember feeling before. I literally feel pain in my chest/heart. This is not the self-pitying kind of sadness, but a sadness about the horrible impact this illness has. After being a little bit frightened that maybe I was regressing in some way, I realized that this must be a good thing even though very painful. It must be good to feel these emotions, no matter how alien they seem to me. And maybe, after all of these years, I've just never experienced them since things started rotting me out in my teenage years.

    Lots to think about. The interesting thing is that I don't feel guilt. I feel deep down to my core that this illness is not my fault, I've had no control over it, and maybe I really can be normal some day. I wasn't sure I wanted to get better before, but now I really do.

    Anyway, I wanted to let you all know what an interesting ride this is becoming, and the hardest thing I have ever been through...and you all must know what I mean.
     
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  3. Monarch

    Monarch I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Moki,

    Sounds like you have had alot of time to think about things. At least you don't feel hopeless, I felt hopeless for awhile and that is possibly the worst feeling ever. It still sounds like you have hope for the future and that is great, working through and realizing things is so hard. Maybe this is a break-through for you that you can see this for all that it is and how hard it will be and how necessary it is to get better.

    Watch out on the medications though, Lexipro was terrible for me, Paxil worked much better, but that is a personal choice, they effect people differently.

    Monarch
     
  4. moki

    moki Guest

    Thanks for your concern about lexapro, monarch. I'm actually taking a supplement called Deplin along with the lexapro. It's a prescribed supplement that is activated folate. It is indicated for people who do not respond fully to anti-depressants. According to my psych. who also has a phd in neurobiology, some people (depressed people probably) do not metabolize regular folic acid supplements well enough for it to get up to the brain. This kind is different and for some reason gets to the brain, and probably does what it's supposed to do.

    Anyway, we shall see. I have been on so many different ssri's that maybe this has always been the missing link. I go to therapy twice a week (one is marriage counseling and the other is individ. ther.), so have really been hitting a lot of milestones lately. The more I get into it, though, the more I see there is to do. There is still a long long road to go. Usually when I finally make the decision to get into therapy, I am SO ready that I make huge strides quickly. Then there's always the inevitable plateau or not wanting to deal with something...
     
  5. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Hmm, I find that interesting as I'm anemic and so is my son. I can't absorb iron in any form. My body just rejects it unless straight from a natural source (thank god I love liver!) I'm not on any anti-depressants but I still find that interesting.

    bec
     
  6. moki

    moki Guest

    Link to Deplin info

    Hi bevcan,
    Here is the link to deplin information. I'm sure there are other independent links, but it is for people with low blood folate which apparently can cause a lot of problems...Thought it was interesting, too.

    http://www.deplin.com/LifeWithDepression,LowFolate
     
  7. Marilyn_S

    Marilyn_S Well-Known Member

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    Moki,

    I can relate to what you are describing. I think you have done quite well processing the source of your strong emotions and even naming them. That is something I am trying to do with my trauma. I think you have a good perspective. It almost sounds like a grieving process for all the losses occuring over the effects of PTSD on your life. Someone turned me on to this good book one time. I don't know if it would be helpful as everyone is defferent, but the book is; The Grief Recovery Handbook" by John W. James and Russell Friedman. It points out in the book the different causes of grief and helps pave the way for overcoming its effects. I thought it was pretty good because they didn't just attribute grief to bereavement (which is a whole different thing), they sited divorce, loss of innocence (as in CS abuse), and even the loss over a beloved pet. Any number of things can cause grief. I could be wrong, but IMHO, it sounds like you are experiencing a sense of loss and feelings of grief. Hope that helps. Take care
     
  8. moki

    moki Guest

    Hi Marilyn
    Thank you for that recommendation. I think you're right that I'm finally grieving these losses in a really productive way. Honestly, I thought I was done with all of that during another round of therapy 15 years ago, but when I was done that time, although enlightened, I was still angry. One book that I'm currently working on is called "The anxiety and phobia workbook". It is filled with all sorts of things to control that kind of stuff. I'm hoping it will help with sleep and when I generally start feeling panicky. I don't think other people can tell I'm feeling this way, but it is no fun.

    I think this idea of not being allowed or able to process grief, which brings about the ptsd, is such a powerful thing. There is a lot in this forum I cannot necessarily relate to, but there are some really important things I've gotten from the forum too. The incredible shaking, nausea, etc. when you've had a breakthrough...if I hadn't already read something about that, I would've thought I was going nuts! But as horrible as it was (and as much as I medicated myself on xanax for the weekend), I knew it was normal for this condition. Very fascinating and real stuff, and definitely not something in my imagination.

    btw, I've been keeping up with your posts, and you are incredibly strong. wow, keep at it! I'm totally impressed!
     
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