M
moki
Hello all,
My ther. has been telling me for some time that the two sides of my brain aren't 'talking' to each other. I'd researched enough about PTSD to understand what that meant, but I was still really angry about going on ssri's, but was willing to give it another try (been on them several times before). I have been on lexapro for 11 days.
In marriage counseling, it has been easy for me to zone out, and when not zoning out, just feeling nothing even when I tried to particpate. He kept trying to get me to feel compassion for my husband...but nothing was there. I went through (and am still going through) a period of intense anxiety, especially after doing a lot of writing, paralleling my feelings toward my asshole stepfather and how I was transferring these feelings onto my husband. This was a big breakthrough for me, since I finally "got it", as far as why I was behaving the way I was toward my husband (extreme anger, repulsion, resentment,etc). Honestly, he's a good guy and doesn't deserve it.
I woke up this morning feeling really weird. At first I thought, "maybe this is just depression", but it didn't feel like any depression I'd ever had before. It felt like a horrible almost unbearable sadness, which is not how I usually am when I'm depressed. Then I took a nap, and when I woke up I knew what it was. I was feeling my heart breaking...for how sick I really have been, for how devastating this illness is, and for the damage it has already caused in my life and with my relationships, most notably with my husband.
I was/am feeling emotions that I cannot ever remember feeling before. I literally feel pain in my chest/heart. This is not the self-pitying kind of sadness, but a sadness about the horrible impact this illness has. After being a little bit frightened that maybe I was regressing in some way, I realized that this must be a good thing even though very painful. It must be good to feel these emotions, no matter how alien they seem to me. And maybe, after all of these years, I've just never experienced them since things started rotting me out in my teenage years.
Lots to think about. The interesting thing is that I don't feel guilt. I feel deep down to my core that this illness is not my fault, I've had no control over it, and maybe I really can be normal some day. I wasn't sure I wanted to get better before, but now I really do.
Anyway, I wanted to let you all know what an interesting ride this is becoming, and the hardest thing I have ever been through...and you all must know what I mean.
My ther. has been telling me for some time that the two sides of my brain aren't 'talking' to each other. I'd researched enough about PTSD to understand what that meant, but I was still really angry about going on ssri's, but was willing to give it another try (been on them several times before). I have been on lexapro for 11 days.
In marriage counseling, it has been easy for me to zone out, and when not zoning out, just feeling nothing even when I tried to particpate. He kept trying to get me to feel compassion for my husband...but nothing was there. I went through (and am still going through) a period of intense anxiety, especially after doing a lot of writing, paralleling my feelings toward my asshole stepfather and how I was transferring these feelings onto my husband. This was a big breakthrough for me, since I finally "got it", as far as why I was behaving the way I was toward my husband (extreme anger, repulsion, resentment,etc). Honestly, he's a good guy and doesn't deserve it.
I woke up this morning feeling really weird. At first I thought, "maybe this is just depression", but it didn't feel like any depression I'd ever had before. It felt like a horrible almost unbearable sadness, which is not how I usually am when I'm depressed. Then I took a nap, and when I woke up I knew what it was. I was feeling my heart breaking...for how sick I really have been, for how devastating this illness is, and for the damage it has already caused in my life and with my relationships, most notably with my husband.
I was/am feeling emotions that I cannot ever remember feeling before. I literally feel pain in my chest/heart. This is not the self-pitying kind of sadness, but a sadness about the horrible impact this illness has. After being a little bit frightened that maybe I was regressing in some way, I realized that this must be a good thing even though very painful. It must be good to feel these emotions, no matter how alien they seem to me. And maybe, after all of these years, I've just never experienced them since things started rotting me out in my teenage years.
Lots to think about. The interesting thing is that I don't feel guilt. I feel deep down to my core that this illness is not my fault, I've had no control over it, and maybe I really can be normal some day. I wasn't sure I wanted to get better before, but now I really do.
Anyway, I wanted to let you all know what an interesting ride this is becoming, and the hardest thing I have ever been through...and you all must know what I mean.