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Feelings of abandonment

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Abondoned

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Hello,

I'm new to this page and it's always been very difficult for me to talk about myself and my deepest problems to anyone, no matter who they are so believe me when I say that even though this is anonymous, I still feel uncomfortable. I always feel like complaining is a form of burden and who cares about me and my feelings anyways, but I just had to write, especially today because I feel so alone even though there are people around me. I am married but I don't feel like I belong anywhere, no one understands me, no one is there for me, never been there for me, ever.

It feels like the universe keeps on punishing me for no reason or maybe there are reasons that I'm not aware of. All my life I lived searching; searching for meanings, for love, for connection, for something bigger than this and I haven't found it.

I always feel like I don't belong to this world. I see happy faces everywhere and people having friends that they enjoy or maybe they're just pretending, but I want more than just pretense.

I know where it's all coming from; from my childhood up to now. I never felt validated, good enough, worthy enough, pretty enough; just this person that was and is a black sheep no matter where she goes. Believe me that I've tried, and no matter how much I gave, how much I give, it never seems to be enough or appreciated or reciprocated. This feelings of isolation from the world never goes away. There is this ocean within me, and I'm drowning in it.

I've tried so many things; from meditation to energy healing, to whatever is out there, but how can I, this alien, find any connection, the way my heart desires, to a world that's becoming more and more meaningless?

It's like no matter who feels the same way as me, he or she is not me, can't understand me, can't understand what goes on within me. People have labeled themselves with so many personality traits - from INFJ to empaths to disorders - but none of them are me.

What am I doing with this post? I have no clue. I guess I just wanted to get it all out but it's not all out. How can I write about the storms, the volcano, the dark caves, the deep ocean that's only visible to me, exists only on my planet and I'm the only population?
 
I understand and feel all the ways you do... it's almost like I wrote what you just did. Please know you're not alone in how you feel. I'm not sure what more to say, but life gets better when you create positive change in your life and work toward achieving it. You gotta be kinder toward yourself. You're the only one who can be your best friend or your worst enemy... choose wisely my friend
 
Hello,

I'm new to this page and it's always been very difficult for me to talk about myself and my d...
I too feel like I could have written what you wrote. At least we feel we are not alone in feeling alone. I have tried everything from drinking to antidepressants which only made matters worse in the long run. And I also believe being invalidated at an early age was a "set-up" to not being able to cope with the world as well as we may have. Look up "family scapegoat" and you will understand what I am saying.

I'm at the point in my life where I have totally cut off EVERYONE and never go anywhere unless I absolutely have to and even then dread going out there in the world. The trust is just not there anymore and I'm very tired of trying. I used to think most everyone was nice but now when someone tries to enter into my life I ask myself "what do they want from me". Because it seems they always want something. Some have said they are concerned or care about me but I take it as curiosity and more or less being snoopy.

It's not easy living this way but I have tried in the past over and over again and have ended up being manipulated and used. I was brought up a people pleaser and found putting myself last or even second to someone else only gets myself HURT. And very badly most of the time. I don't know IF there is an answer. It's not easy changing the way we were brought up by our "so-called family". I read something on the internet that said not to put yourself on the clearance rack. We are worth more than that! And to use the bricks that people have thrown at us to build ourselves up. And that's what I think it comes down to -- our perception of ourselves. Put yourself first even though it's difficult because we weren't trained to do just that -- putting ourselves first.. When people don't treat us well they are not worthy of US.

Sometimes maybe we need time alone to work on ourselves and find what we will or won't tolerate in other people. And not the other way around. If certain people don't appreciate what we do for them or don't validate our feelings and emotions they don't belong in our lives and no amount of pleasing them or talking to them to try and make them understand will make them change. We can only change ourselves to not tolerate THEM anymore. I'm sure there are good people out there and everything "should" be 50/50. When you are giving 80 and only getting 20 back it's too uneven to tolerate and leads to resentment and frustration. Just don't take that resentment and frustration out on yourself. Be good to yourself and know God created you and you deserve better.
 
I feel like I could have written what you just did. I could relate to you when you said "no matter how much I give, no matter how much I gave, it is never seems to be enough or appreciated". This rings so true to me. It seems like the more we give, the more it hurts when it's not reciporated. It leaves you feeling empty.

In my situation, I know its due to being abandoned as a child. It seems like you had a tough childhood as well. It took me a long time to build up my self confidence and know my value but all it takes is one person to undermine my value, then Im questioning it again. I just thought sharing my struggle with this would help you to feel like you're not alone. I'm sorry I can't say much more than this because it is something I still struggle with a lot.

Being invalidated from an early age is hard. I try to remember that if people dont appreciate my efforts, then they are not worth my time. But thats easier said than done when the invalidation comes from those you love.

Thank you for sharing, so many can relate to what you wrote. Be kind to yourself and do something good for yourself or talk to a safe trusted friend about how your feeling. I know its been hard for you, your doing great to recognise your feelings and thats a big step in the healing process.
 
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