Hello,
I'm new to this page and it's always been very difficult for me to talk about myself and my deepest problems to anyone, no matter who they are so believe me when I say that even though this is anonymous, I still feel uncomfortable. I always feel like complaining is a form of burden and who cares about me and my feelings anyways, but I just had to write, especially today because I feel so alone even though there are people around me. I am married but I don't feel like I belong anywhere, no one understands me, no one is there for me, never been there for me, ever.
It feels like the universe keeps on punishing me for no reason or maybe there are reasons that I'm not aware of. All my life I lived searching; searching for meanings, for love, for connection, for something bigger than this and I haven't found it.
I always feel like I don't belong to this world. I see happy faces everywhere and people having friends that they enjoy or maybe they're just pretending, but I want more than just pretense.
I know where it's all coming from; from my childhood up to now. I never felt validated, good enough, worthy enough, pretty enough; just this person that was and is a black sheep no matter where she goes. Believe me that I've tried, and no matter how much I gave, how much I give, it never seems to be enough or appreciated or reciprocated. This feelings of isolation from the world never goes away. There is this ocean within me, and I'm drowning in it.
I've tried so many things; from meditation to energy healing, to whatever is out there, but how can I, this alien, find any connection, the way my heart desires, to a world that's becoming more and more meaningless?
It's like no matter who feels the same way as me, he or she is not me, can't understand me, can't understand what goes on within me. People have labeled themselves with so many personality traits - from INFJ to empaths to disorders - but none of them are me.
What am I doing with this post? I have no clue. I guess I just wanted to get it all out but it's not all out. How can I write about the storms, the volcano, the dark caves, the deep ocean that's only visible to me, exists only on my planet and I'm the only population?
I'm new to this page and it's always been very difficult for me to talk about myself and my deepest problems to anyone, no matter who they are so believe me when I say that even though this is anonymous, I still feel uncomfortable. I always feel like complaining is a form of burden and who cares about me and my feelings anyways, but I just had to write, especially today because I feel so alone even though there are people around me. I am married but I don't feel like I belong anywhere, no one understands me, no one is there for me, never been there for me, ever.
It feels like the universe keeps on punishing me for no reason or maybe there are reasons that I'm not aware of. All my life I lived searching; searching for meanings, for love, for connection, for something bigger than this and I haven't found it.
I always feel like I don't belong to this world. I see happy faces everywhere and people having friends that they enjoy or maybe they're just pretending, but I want more than just pretense.
I know where it's all coming from; from my childhood up to now. I never felt validated, good enough, worthy enough, pretty enough; just this person that was and is a black sheep no matter where she goes. Believe me that I've tried, and no matter how much I gave, how much I give, it never seems to be enough or appreciated or reciprocated. This feelings of isolation from the world never goes away. There is this ocean within me, and I'm drowning in it.
I've tried so many things; from meditation to energy healing, to whatever is out there, but how can I, this alien, find any connection, the way my heart desires, to a world that's becoming more and more meaningless?
It's like no matter who feels the same way as me, he or she is not me, can't understand me, can't understand what goes on within me. People have labeled themselves with so many personality traits - from INFJ to empaths to disorders - but none of them are me.
What am I doing with this post? I have no clue. I guess I just wanted to get it all out but it's not all out. How can I write about the storms, the volcano, the dark caves, the deep ocean that's only visible to me, exists only on my planet and I'm the only population?