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General Feelings Towards Sufferers Abuser

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hopelives

Confident
My husband although still scant memories has been having some. Now I feel this unbearable hate toward his mother like I want to go and just punch the crap out of her. I wouldn't do that but I just want to go off. I know that I have to leave it and I have worked through a lot of it but it is there.Also I feel why should she been living a happy life while my husband has gone through hell and is just starting to claw his way back. I dont talk about her to him as she is a major trigger.

His father and step dad have passed so although I feel angry toward them I know there is nothing I can do with them.

Maybe it is because as a mother I cant imagine being so selfish or abusive to my own child or any child for that matter. Ah I am happy but this nawing feeling of wanting to do something to make her realise is there. We have no contact with her at all and there will never be any because it triggers my dh to want to commit suicide.

Does anyone else feel this way?

Things are still going really well. :)
 
While a little off topic I just wanted to acknowledge that things "are still going well" & I think you need to attribute some of that to your change from coming here out of desperation to now trying to understand & change what you can. It shows in your attitude such as this thread. Well done hopelives - as it does ;)

Sometimes it's not what we do or say but 'how' we do it (thumbs up to you).
 
I don't even know if I am allowed to post on this particular area because I am the sufferer, not the carer. But I feel like I have something to add.

My husband hates my mother, for the same reason. If the topic of her even comes up, he gets infuriated and irritated.

At first, that really bothered me. I felt like, "Why does he feel this way when I don't?"

I was actually a little jealous that he could feel that way and I couldn't. My anger and disappointment is so burried.

I didn't understand that someone could be angry because of what happened to me--I didn't have that growing up.

I no longer have contact with my mother either. I tend to not bring her up in conversation much, but he does sometimes. It's still strange to me.

But from what I gather, it is normal to feel things when someone hurts a loved one--past or present.

Especially a maternal figure. That is the one person a child should be able to trust and count on. Not being able to trust one's own mom has long-lasting psychological effects. :(

Sorry for rambling, I'll bold the important parts.
 
I didn't understand that someone could be angry because of what happened to me--I didn't have that growing up.

Wow. That hit home. I had never really thought about it like that before.

My fiancee was actually the first person to outright just tell me that my childhood was not normal. After a long conversation in which I revealed some of my childhood, she yelled "That's not NORMAL! It's wrong!" My first thought was "Why are you upset? It didn't happen to you! Why does it bother you?" I was a little shocked. She made me finally realize that it was worse than I thought. She explained that physical abuse has long term effects on people, especially children. That was news to me.

She helped give me the strength to cut off all communication with my dad and I feel much better because I KNOW that I will never see him or talk to him again. I can finally move on.
 
Thank you, Nicolette, for your encouragement :)

Dear Hopelives (I really like your new name, congratulations!),

I've been abused my entire life. There were severe life-threatening consequences for me if I showed any anger, so I learned to suffer abuse in silence, turning the pain inward and wanting to die.

To see professional counselors get angry: teeth-clenched, fist-balled anger when I talk calmly or quietly about the past or my painful current situation with an abuser, is actually very healing for me. I'm frightened by anger, and yet to know these wonderful people are angry, on my behalf and for my protection and healing, does something remarkable for my soul.

(Just please don't allow the anger to poison your heart, to make you bitter or resentful. No one who has been abused would want you consumed or poisoned by what has happened to us, then the abuser "wins".)

To have counselors explain why they are angry, really helps me understand that I don't deserve to be abused. It also teaches me how to feel and use anger appropriately, to protect and defend myself from abuse, instead of turning it inward and feeling suicidal.

On behalf of people who were abused in childhood, who had no way to protect themselves; thank you for getting angry. Your appropriate anger really does help us all heal. I just hope that love, joy and strength floods your heart, too, bringing you comfort and healing.

Sending a thank you hug, if you accept them...
With love,
Deer
 
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