1. This site uses cookies. By continuing to use this site, you are agreeing to our use of cookies. Learn More.

The Daily Dose

Get the last 24hrs of new topics delivered to your inbox.

Click Here to Subscribe

Feelings

Discussion in 'General' started by saraemerald, Oct 12, 2017 at 3:13 PM.

  1. saraemerald

    saraemerald Active Member

    207
    237
    233
    I guess I have a hard time with feelings and PTSD and am still trying to figure mine out which I know is what most of us with PTSD do.
    So my PTSD was caused by abusive parents as well as growing up in a strict religious cult that does not allow it's followers to become friends with anyone outside it and if you do or decide to leave the cult, you will be shunned.
    Anyways, that cult helped me to believe in God and rely on him to survive my childhood and when I became a teen, I devoted my life to God by becoming an active member of the religion and thought I was happy because I had meaning in my life and was saving people's lives. I felt good about myself despite growing up abused and despite being diagnosed with PTSD. So, because that cult is strict about dating treating it's members like immature teenagers no matter what age they are dating, I found myself single at a later age and it was embarrassing to me but I was also waiting for "the one". And as long as I was serving God, I was fine.
    So getting to the feelings part:
    I was facing an unrequited love by telling myself to stop thinking about this person and move on and just continue to put faith in God and He will provide. This made me feel at peace and feel fine about moving on. But then I had this realization that no matter what I had gone through, my entire life, I was always positive about it and relying on God and moving forward and continuing to be happily serving Him. In this moment, I wanted to have feelings so I pushed all my positive thoughts away and then tried to mentally push God away by thinking some awful thoughts on purpose. And then I started thinking negatively. I did all this so I could have feelings but of course none of this worked. I just felt numb and at this point I thought something must be terribly wrong with me. Like what the hell is my problem?
    It was as if I was trying to manufacture feelings.
    This whole thing started a process of me sabotaging myself and my life. Years later, now I am in a much better place and am also out of the cult. Yay! But I am also trying to figure out what caused me to react to unrequited love and where I was at in my life, in such a way. I also know it has something to do with being a normal human being with feelings but I didn't realise that trying to be a good and positive person can lead to self-sabotage.
     
    Rain and ladee like this.
  2. Register to participate in live chat, PTSD discussion and more.
  3. saraemerald

    saraemerald Active Member

    207
    237
    233
    Another thing I want to add is, from a young age, I learned to be positive no matter what I'm going through. Examples; I'm freezing cold because my parents won't let me inside until they conclude I am done shoveling snow. My hands would start to hurt. So I would pretend the sun was shining on me and keeping me warm. We never had cake or doughnuts or certain other foods growing up so when I ate PB and J sandwiches, I would pretend I was eating a piece of cake. When my parents forced me to work while my sister stayed inside to play, I would tell myself that I am building strong muscles and I would turn work into a game or a competition. I carried this attitude with me into adulthood. So when I was suffering from PTSD, or my back muscles were in pain from stress or anxiety or in social settings my body would go into PTSD mode (fight or flight mode), I would focus focus on the positive to get me through and turn manual labor at work or elsewhere into exercise in my mind and this always kept me moving forward and healing and progressing and feeling better and better about myself and life. I even got to a point mentally where I felt that if I was persecuted because of religion I was in and maybe beaten or sent to prison (that religion/cult always taught us that we would be persecuted for our faith and said persecution could include being raped, beaten or imprisoned) that my faith was strong enough and I knew so well how to look for positive that I would endure.
    Then the above experience (first post of this thread) happened, and I stopped wanting to be positive and rather have normal feelings to situations.
     
    Rain and ladee like this.
  4. Rain

    Rain Believe the children Premium Member Generous $250+

    33,602
    110,694
    56,143
    I think being positive is a wonderful way you survived and made your life worthwhile. I think it is a gift for you because although I am a depressive and feel my feelings quite intensely that are extremely painful the feelings do pass and I begin to feel better and then some real joy at times now.

    Are you in therapy? You may have said and it is late so I do not remember. The feelings will come in time with some good therapy and remembering the painful times in your life. One thing I cannot do is cry. I can tear up at times and that is about it. I never learned to cry things out so I do not know how. And how I wish I had that release. I imagine this is how you may be feeling about feeling your painful feelings. I think it may present a challenge to you, But if you are living a happy life, my question is why fix it if it is not broken? I sure hope this makes some sense. Good luck.
     
    ladee and saraemerald like this.
  5. saraemerald

    saraemerald Active Member

    207
    237
    233
    Thank you. I think I learned how to be happy despite a lot of crap happening in my life and despite being in a cult that sucks up so much of it's members' life and energy. I think I was happily putting up with way too much and always thinking about "paradise" (God's new kingdom) as an escape. My ability to think positive about life's grueling situations enabled me to put up with way too much. I got tired of being strong, positive, the better person in a lot of situations, keeping the peace and always being a good example. I don't know if that makes sense.
     
    mumstheword, ladee and Rain like this.
  6. Rain

    Rain Believe the children Premium Member Generous $250+

    33,602
    110,694
    56,143
    I can relate to doing this sort of just not as well as you. It makes so much sense. I too have been putting up with too much in my past life as well. Now I am just feeling good on some days and pushing through on others and I can feel feelings more intensely now than ever before so I know this will probably happen for you too.
     
    mumstheword, ladee and saraemerald like this.
  7. ladee

    ladee I'm a VIP Premium Member

    7,369
    32,080
    11,538
    The above quote @Rain used is so on point for me. I'm pretty sure we were in the same religion, but unlike you I was not raised in it, so walking away was much easier... didn't have as much 'unlearning' to do.
    But I adapted that behavior early on in life just to survive... funny how people expect us to be that way all the time, and heaven forbid we veer from what they perceive as the real us....

    Nothing wrong with being upbeat and positive and helping others and trying to set a good example, until we get so lost in that we don't have a clue how WE really feel about anything.... my family may as well have been a cult, as it has taken me a long time to know what I feel.... and what was so confusing, was now how do I act or be, when feeling my own feelings.... ???

    We are like the movie "Finding Nemo"..... but we are "Finding (insert name)". You are 'unlearning' the indoctrination. And that takes time... none of us like hearing that part... sorry, but it's a fact we can't ignore.

    You have come a long way, give yourself credit and praise for continuing to ask the questions.... the answers will come.... gentle hugs...
     
    saraemerald likes this.
  8. saraemerald

    saraemerald Active Member

    207
    237
    233
    Thank you @ladee. And yes, people come to expect us to play a certain role and mine was being positive, smiling, "spiritually strong", ect. I got that role down pat. Lol. Now I just want to be human.
    Humans have feelings.
    Growing up with my abusive parents and a cult that enforces rules about how to act, dress, think and live your life and growing up around some snotty, uptight, judgemental people. Not a good combo. That's how you learn to keep your mouth shut and keep the God damn peace and painfully witness bullshit all around you and try to stay sane. Fun times. (Sarcasm)
    Now that I am out of that screwed up cult and now I also recognise that it was all B.S., I can breathe. :)
     
    ladee and mumstheword like this.
  9. sleepingwolf

    sleepingwolf Member

    21
    32
    23
    I can very much relate to your positive outlook and how it helped you. I did something similar too. I think it was really helpful back then, and is a really useful tool, but isn't the only tool there is. That is what I've learnt over the year anyways. I don't think being 'negative' is ever that helpful, but that still means you should be able and feel allowed to:

    - Vent/moan about something hard and receive sympathy
    - See a problem and feel empowered/helped to change it
    - Allow feelings to come out, however they choose
    - Express how you feel, through Art and other forms

    It's really great to hear your progress. Good luck with the continued growth I'm sure you'll experience. :)
     
    ladee and saraemerald like this.
  10. saraemerald

    saraemerald Active Member

    207
    237
    233
    Thank you @sleepingwolf, and exactly. I am learning so much now finally, out of this experience. I didn't have access to most of my feelings before and I was busy doing something all the time, every day for the cult and as long as I was, I was a good person but as soon as I resisted, I ended up sabotaging myself, friends turned their backs on me without even trying to help me or understand what was going on and listened to lies and gossip about me instead and then I was shunned from the entire community I ever knew growing up except for a few family members that were never a part of the cult.
    Anyways, then, I never felt my anger and rarely did I feel sad or truly grieve or cry and NOW, that I am out, I am releasing sooo much pent up anger and am learning more about myself and I am NOT the sweet little peace maker anymore. Yay! I am standing up for myself.
    I am also educating myself about cults through lots of research so I can understand what the hell happened to me when I started to leave before I even realized I was in a cult.
    The more I learn, the more free I feel and now I can breathe and that is awesome.
     
    ladee likes this.
Loading...
Show Sidebar