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Feels Like I'm Waging A War

Bananie

Confident
I was having a text conversation with someone. They mentioned authors that I mistook as musicians, since we were talking about musicians, so I said, oh, dur! And then, well, I don't read much anymore, but I may look them up! They replied, it's ok. I said, I know, but I wasn't looking at it as an assignment or anything, just a polite closer.
Then I thought, shit, should I have said that? Yes, this person seems to like when I overexplain things. Which brought be back to a convo with my T (like so many things do), T: "Since we can share humor with each other." Me "Yeah, thanks for that, I don't think this would work if you couldn't handle my humor." T Smirk "Not everyone's cup of tea?" Me: "No.....I can usually tailor it...." Dumbass, literally the number one thing I hear about myself is "You're so funny!!" Oh that was another convo, "I can probably answer these questions because of how I know you, but fill these out." Oh wait, that wasn't an out loud convo, that was just me sitting there after hearing that thinking "then why do I have to fill these out?" but now, thinking, wait, you know me? I don't even know me, what do you know that I don't know?
I started this diary thread because the thought just struck me that "I have no idea what is happening with me right now."
And now, I can't stop thinking "I should call T, leave a vm, ask what he meant by that, I don't need an answer til next time, but I might not have the courage to ask next time."
I definitely won't.
I can't even type all that's going through my head right now, and I want this saved, but like it's a diary right, so I can just add to it.....? How do I even fail at a forum?
 
Great start to your diary!
You CANT fail at this forum because we understand what you are feeling and thinking.
I understand because when my brain feels scattered..I say things that just make people blink thier eyes really fast!. Then I am standing there trying to figure out where I got lost in the conversation.
I too have a sense of humor so have covered my ass while steady wishing a hole would open up in the floor!
I do understand. Maybe there should be a 12 step program...Blurters Anonymous.
Glad you started a diary!
 
The first part of the journey starts with the first step.

If you don't take that first step, it doesn't start.

So, now you are way ahead of me in expressing yourself. And I've been here almost a year.
I don't feel like a failure though. I'm just moving at my speed. Slow. And I haven't started yet.
But I'm ok with that.

BTW, your avatar could be my daughters' cat, Smuckers. A very beautiful and regal creature.
Right down to the eyes, they look identical. I wasn't really a cat person until Smuckers came along.
Beautiful. If that's a friend of yours, you are fortunate.

Good luck with expression and a diary.
And enjoy the journey.
 
Thanks all :) I just didn't want to put it anywhere wrong, or do something wrong and make anyone mad.
@ladee , that might be a 12 step group I could actually get behind! lol
@Ronin , thanks for the reassurance :)
@GrayOwl That is Grace, or, Gracie Lou Freebush, Prettiest Pookster Kitty, so named for the U2 song. She is my absolute best friend, going on 14 years. I always wanted an all black cat, and my mom always said, you can get one when you have your own place. I moved in to my first apartment in may 2003, and got Grace from a friend who'd rescued her. Inseparable since :) :)
 
So do I just keep adding to this when I want to write in my diary?
This song just broke me. Whatever's been building.I'm on a crying jag now. Which is probably a good thing. I dont do that often either.
I don't often feel sorry for myself, but songs about fathers do it to me every time.
Yes, he abused me, but I still liked him more than mom. And I miss him.


"Dear Theodosia"
(feat. Leslie Odom Jr.)

[BURR:]
Dear Theodosia, what to say to you?
You have my eyes. You have your mother's name
When you came into the world, you cried and it broke my heart

I'm dedicating every day to you
Domestic life was never quite my style
When you smile, you knock me out, I fall apart
And I thought I was so smart

You will come of age with our young nation
We'll bleed and fight for you, we'll make it right for you
If we lay a strong enough foundation
We'll pass it on to you, we'll give the world to you
And you'll blow us all away…

Someday, someday
Yeah, you'll blow us all away
Someday, someday

[HAMILTON:]
Oh Philip, when you smile I am undone
My son
Look at my son
Pride is not the word I'm looking for
There is so much more inside me now
Oh Philip, you outshine the morning sun
My son
When you smile, I fall apart
And I thought I was so smart
My father wasn't around
[BURR:]
My father wasn't around
[HAMILTON:]
I swear that
[BURR/HAMILTON:]
I'll be around for you
[HAMILTON:]
I'll do whatever it takes
[BURR:]
I'll make a million mistakes
[BURR/HAMILTON:]
I'll make the world safe and sound for you…

…Will come of age with our young nation
We'll bleed and fight for you, we'll make it right for you
If we lay a strong enough foundation
We'll pass it on to you, we'll give the world to you
And you'll blow us all away...

Someday, someday
Yeah, you'll blow us all away
Someday, someday
 
It's funny, I actually put the title on this one "IDAF about your mindfulness" Cause I was trying to be more present and mindful, so I decided to pet her, but it wasn't when SHE wanted to be petted, so she wasn't having anything of it :)
She hates getting her pic taken though, or gets tired of it, cause I do it so often ;)
 
Bailed on going to moms today. She said Saturday, don't come over tomorrow, it's going to be bad. Yesterday she said, don't come tomorrow either, it's going to be worse. I was still going to go. I'm so out of it that the weather wouldn't bother me anyway. But when I stepped out the door, into the snow, I stood on the porch for about 2 minutes, just standing. In theory, debating, but I can't seem to think enough to debate with myself. I also keep crying randomly. Mom doesn't like when I cry. So I said, nah, I won't go. But I still wanted coffee. Then I thought, well, if I am walking to get coffee, then what's wrong with walking a little extra to get to the bus stop? So I started to the bus stop, but then came back to path to just get coffee. Came home, good, coffee. Now what then, if I'm not going to moms? I sat on my bed all day yesterday. At least go in the living room. Ok, set up there. Put on a movie. Color a mandala. If I literally just sit and do nothing, I seem to be somewhat ok. If I color, if I'm typing, if I get a text, if I have to do anything more than just exist.....I can't even describe how weird it feels.
 
"You will only pet me when I say you can."
"Don't even touch me unless I give you permission."

Some of the looks I get from the cat.....

Non verbal communication. That cat can say more with her eyes than most people do in a lifetime.
And just when I think I am DONE with her she says: "Okay you can scratch my ears a little. I will instruct you....."

Sometimes I think I like the cat more than my family anyway.........

I'm out in Wisconsin. We have no snow. It's 45 degrees and sunny. We've never seen a day like this before in February.
It's usually 5 degrees and 20 inches of snow. I can't say I really mind winter, but this is REALLY nice. And I'm not glad you have it - but I'm sure glad we don't. My residence is in Upper Michigan near the Canadian border, by Lake Superior. Year before last our first snowfall of the year was 55 inches over 2 days. 290 inches total by the end of winter - just short of 25 feet. We went out to dinner and the snowmobilers parked their sleds on the roof. Ugh. That's partly why I'm in Wisconsin. I'm not smart enough to go all the way south - like Florida or Texas where it's always sunny and perfect (lol).

I hope you can take a few days a totally veg and not feel guilty about it. That's an important part of life and healing. And I hope you don't mind me posting or adding to your thread. After some much needed R & R the mind will engage and you'll find some motivation and engage. It happens. I've been doing a lot of that lately - it seems there has been a lot on my plate and I don't want to acknowledge that I'm exhausted and need some rest and sanity breaks - so my mind and body are kicking in and forcing me. I resist. I find balance. I reset. And life goes on fine no matter what I think about it.

So.....enjoy the coffee. Get comfy. Let the snow pile up. Watch some Netflix, grab some comfort foods. Give the mind a rest.

And DON'T PET THE CAT UNLES YOU SHE SAYS SO !!! LOL!
 
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