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Feels Like I'm Waging A War

Discussion in 'Trauma Diaries' started by Bananie, Feb 12, 2017.

  1. ladee

    ladee All the hard work has been worth it ! Premium Member

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    B A N A N I E !!!!!! It's YOU... so happy to hear from you... not your favorite place to be.... and yes, ask him what his damned problem is..... and if my cat is in the basement... I am in the basement..... take care of you girl and happy to hear T time was good today.... sending hugs, have missed you !!
     
    Bananie likes this.
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  3. Bananie

    Bananie Active Member

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    Octobers. Blah.
    It did take me til halfway thru the month to remember that I hate octobers though, so, I got that goin for me...
    Everything will be fine, I'm sure. It always is.
    Someone said one thing today that brought up dad memories. That I forgot about til just now that it happened. Good memories, though, so, cool.
    It's kinda sad that I'm looking forward to an angiogram because it's a day off work and sedation. Bring on the sedation. Whoa oh oh oh, oh oh oh oh, I wanna be sedated.
    Made an appt with my primary for next week to discuss something for anxiety. No matter how much I tell myself that I'm not anxious, my body always seems to be in fight or flight mode. Teeth clenched, muscles tense, and oh this MOOD. I had my first lost patience with a caller today. Let's hope that that call doesn't get scored....
    Oh well.
    Time for the sweetest part of my day. Bed.
     
    ladee likes this.
  4. Bananie

    Bananie Active Member

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    Finally 2014 is taking off!
    No blockages, heart function isn't great, but not as bad as was first calculated, and...
    I GOT AN APARTMENT!!!!!!! I moved next weekend! A studio for just me and the pookster kitty. I'm so happy!!!!!!!!
     
    ladee likes this.
  5. Bananie

    Bananie Active Member

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    I can't believe i put 2014 in that last post. Guess I'm living in the past lol. Which actually makes a little sense of you think of that inane quote "if you're depressed you're living in the past, if you're anxious you're living in the future. You have to live in this moment". I hate that quote. What if right in this moment, things are making me depressed and anxious? I guess i can see that they are past or future things.... But theyre all present struggles as well. Stupid cliches.
    I thought finally getting in to my own place would make me have an "ahhhhhhh" moment. But it didn't. There are hassles there. It's fine. It'll always be fine even when every thing sucks. Anywho, wanted to write more, but, can't right now. I should start working on things again. I've definitely been in .... omg what's that d word? Ah, yes, dissociation mode. Don't breathe too deep. Don't think all day. Dive into work, drive the other way. That drip of hurt, that pint of shame, goes away, just play the game.
     
    ladee likes this.
  6. Bananie

    Bananie Active Member

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    "So you don't like the way your life's been going. You stand before me, with defeat. In your silver studded costume that got rained on. I can't console you, i don't know how."
    Those push stars lyrics have been stuck in my head. For years, really, but, lately, again.
    It's embarrassing and annoying and stupid, but I STILL MISS OLD T. I have for 8 months, it ebbs and flows, but mostly flows.
    I like my current t! She's great, really. As a person. And I guess as a therapist? I mean, probably for other people. I just.... Don't feel like we're accomplishing anything? I just go every other week and spews out what's been happening and she pretty much agrees with me on everything, and then I go. And thats probably my fault, because at the beginning when she said what brings you here? I said, well, i just want to be in therapy. A lot goes on, and when i first got to get it was right after old t just up and left and i had just moved and just left 2 jobs in a row and was frantic and while I'd never do it to myself, reaaaalllllly wanting to just die. I guess I'm not quite that acute now.... But don't want to just not go. I want to go back to old t. Which seems even more impossible than it did before. Now my schedule is not conducive to his new clinic, and I'm reluctant to contact him about his private practice that he has on his website. When i emailed before about that I didn't get an email back, i got the call that he was leaving the clinic, going to a new one, and was referring me to someone at the clinic i was already going to. So I figured that was reply enough. Don't follow me. See ya. I listen to that vm more often than I care to admit. And I don't want to mention how much I miss him or how much it still hurts to current t, because it seems disrespectful to her. Not that that should matter, I know. But it's cause I appreciate her. I know i should tell her i want more structure. But really, I want to try emdr again, and she doesn't do it, and i just don't want to start with someone else. And then I think well, a friend, well, everyone thought I had a crush on old t. I don't think I do. I don't want to be with him. I don't think I would even want him as a friend (possibly if we'd met another way, but there's no turning that back), I just want to work with him again. Sigh.
    I just.... i can't even figure out for myself what's going on with me these days. Stressful stuff, sure, but that's at least not as pressing as it has been. Still not feeling the relief i thought i would with the new place. New t the other day said "well yeah! Youre in recovery! You have ptsd from this!" And it just seemed so....Casual. i dunno. But anyway, I started this at work cause I didn't have my pens with me to color, but now I'm home and have them at my disposal, so I'm gonna do that instead of write, even though i suspect part of what's going on right now is that I'm disengaged in life. Just being surfacey, and that I'll have to be more active with myself.... analyze more? Think more? Though I was always told I overthink, so maybe I'm just finally doing that and I'm just not used to it. At any rate, I'm gonna draw.
     
    ladee likes this.
  7. Bananie

    Bananie Active Member

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    I didn't realize how much I was dissociated until I'm finally starting to come back a little (?). I'm getting closer to making my new place homeier. I got my stuff from the basement yesterday. The major jerk wasn't there, so, that was good. I walked in, gave my "friend" the key, said thanks, and walked in to gather my stuff. It was frantic, cause I met the movers there and I only had them for 2 hours if I didn't want to pay more. They're good guys though. I put a lot away last night, but, I ran out of steam. I ended up throwing up at work Monday and leaving early, so I was already off from that, then, there's nothing like moving to show you how out of shape you are! I'm so achey today, and I already hate this job, but of course have to go. At least tomorrow is a day off, then a day on, then two off.
    I might need to work on the being compassionate to myself a little more. I keep judging myself for being sick and tired and depressed. I ... am going to write later cause I'm on the bus and fear eyes
     
  8. Bananie

    Bananie Active Member

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    Ok. A thought I had last week that's been brewing finally went a little bit further and inwant to get it out. It started when I wondered why I never stuck with any sort of spiritual practice. I thought, well, maybe because we're spiritual beings having a human experience, so we're supposed to be doing the human things now, not worrying about the spiritual. Aw man, it's fading already. No, it's become fuzzy cause I'm around a bunch of people. Jams the transmissions lol. No, I'm doubting myself. I don't even want to finish and write down the thought cause its stupid and wrong. I dunno, something about having to appreciate the human side more cause that's the point of being here. But really, it comes down to balance again. Ugh I know all this, it seems great when I think of it again, and then it's like, no, this isn't new. You're just stupid. And lazy. Is it my spirit or my human that's awful? Both, more like.
    Wow....that went downhill fast....
     
  9. Bananie

    Bananie Active Member

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    Bwahahahahahahahaha omg, so I'm on the bus feeling all sorry for myself, and I have ear buds in, music playing, but I kept hearing this weird possessed demon voice, and I briefly wondered if it was just me, or if someone had a toy doing it to freak people out, when finally someone said please fix that! And I realized it was the voice announcing stops and stuff and it's malfunctioning. It's hilarious now, but, I was scared for a few minutes!
     
    MrMoonlight likes this.
  10. Bananie

    Bananie Active Member

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    I prefer to be checked out. People places and things annoy me, and it's that I have to interact that makes me constantly grumpy. And yet when I don't interact I am grumpy too. Yet another "oh! I get it! Oh wait. No I don't" moment.
     
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