Amongst a generalized childhood of pervasive physical and psychological abuse and neglect, I experienced various types of sexual assault from about age 3 up to age 15. The perp. from age 11 to 15 was prosecuted, and eventually plead guilty, although the charges from age 11 were missing.
Even though it would seem like such a conviction was validation- confirmation of the wrongness of what he did- I kept it to myself with great fear. I was afraid of being judged by friends and acquaintances as complicit or even of lying. At the time the crime was "just" statutory rape, which gave it a social sense of being an arbitrary, administrative distinction that didn't mean much.
My own ignorance of the complexities of his manipulation which enabled him to continue to have access to me for sexual contact for years left me feeling deeply responsible for the sadistic suffering he inflicted upon me. I completely believed the lie. At the age of 13, I thought he was the best thing going and I wanted to marry him, as he and I had promised from before the sex started, when I was still just 10 years old.
I've been reading about an expanded comprehension of the flight/fight response involved in fearful trauma situations. Pete Walker, a California based therapist who specializes in treatment for Complex PTSD, often related to prolonged childhood trauma, identifies four typical responses to overwhelming trauma: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. The last of which I think played a huge role in my reactions to rape as a child. The first three occur at face value, fawn presents as co-dependent behavior a rape victim might display that reduces the negative impacts of the assault. Fawning comes about especially when the vicitm must retain a relationship with the attacker in order to meet basic needs, including the need for love.
Walker sees all four of these responses as involuntary reactions that our organism implements as quickly and appropriately as possible in order to ensure our survival. We fight, run, and freeze when we can. But when those options are not available, or don't do enough to protect us from pain (in my situation), there may be only one thing left to do. Reduce the amount of suffering through coerced compliance.
I'm glad my "organism" got me through the terrible experiences of rape in my childhood, but every instance of the fawning behavior that I can remember... to say it stings is such an understatement... it feels like pieces of my flesh have been cut away, like I have cut them away. Ultimately- IT WAS ALWAYS HIS FAULT! But in my thinking, probably the thoughts I was having at the time as I desparately tried to find love and care within this abusive situation, the thoughts are that I wanted his perverse attention because I didn't do enough to make it stop. At times I craved it.
I can see that these beliefs demonstrate a fair amount of trauma-bonding as in Stolkholm Syndrome. I imagine others like me who had a long period of victimization may have trouble talking about it because the psychological impacts can cause some confusing behavior when viewed by an unitiated observer. Heck, U.S. culture isn't very good at supporting the victim in a one-time forcible sexual assault, it seems unlikely that many people will understand or sympathize with a victim who was groomed to comply and hide the abuse.
Even though it would seem like such a conviction was validation- confirmation of the wrongness of what he did- I kept it to myself with great fear. I was afraid of being judged by friends and acquaintances as complicit or even of lying. At the time the crime was "just" statutory rape, which gave it a social sense of being an arbitrary, administrative distinction that didn't mean much.
My own ignorance of the complexities of his manipulation which enabled him to continue to have access to me for sexual contact for years left me feeling deeply responsible for the sadistic suffering he inflicted upon me. I completely believed the lie. At the age of 13, I thought he was the best thing going and I wanted to marry him, as he and I had promised from before the sex started, when I was still just 10 years old.
I've been reading about an expanded comprehension of the flight/fight response involved in fearful trauma situations. Pete Walker, a California based therapist who specializes in treatment for Complex PTSD, often related to prolonged childhood trauma, identifies four typical responses to overwhelming trauma: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. The last of which I think played a huge role in my reactions to rape as a child. The first three occur at face value, fawn presents as co-dependent behavior a rape victim might display that reduces the negative impacts of the assault. Fawning comes about especially when the vicitm must retain a relationship with the attacker in order to meet basic needs, including the need for love.
Walker sees all four of these responses as involuntary reactions that our organism implements as quickly and appropriately as possible in order to ensure our survival. We fight, run, and freeze when we can. But when those options are not available, or don't do enough to protect us from pain (in my situation), there may be only one thing left to do. Reduce the amount of suffering through coerced compliance.
I'm glad my "organism" got me through the terrible experiences of rape in my childhood, but every instance of the fawning behavior that I can remember... to say it stings is such an understatement... it feels like pieces of my flesh have been cut away, like I have cut them away. Ultimately- IT WAS ALWAYS HIS FAULT! But in my thinking, probably the thoughts I was having at the time as I desparately tried to find love and care within this abusive situation, the thoughts are that I wanted his perverse attention because I didn't do enough to make it stop. At times I craved it.
I can see that these beliefs demonstrate a fair amount of trauma-bonding as in Stolkholm Syndrome. I imagine others like me who had a long period of victimization may have trouble talking about it because the psychological impacts can cause some confusing behavior when viewed by an unitiated observer. Heck, U.S. culture isn't very good at supporting the victim in a one-time forcible sexual assault, it seems unlikely that many people will understand or sympathize with a victim who was groomed to comply and hide the abuse.