I've had a LOT of shit happen in the last few months: a friend I'd had for years stopped talking to me because I got cancer the only friend I made in hospital died of cancer I moved in with my family, over 5600 km (3500 miles) from where I was living previously Brian died as the result of his PTSD I felt very badly hurt here on the forum re: Brian's death and could not seem to get over it my cancer returned and I have had to resume both chemo and radiation and now need surgery as well I found out a family secret which caused me to have a temporary psychosis Wow, that is a lot to deal with, even for someone without PTSD. I can't say I've behaved the best through all of it, but I can say that I did try my best, and I do feel proud of myself for never having given up. The family secret, which I am not ready to divulge publicly yet, was actually a blessing in disguise. It was not a bad secret, in fact it's a very good thing and I feel real happiness about it. I'm not sure if it's the reason for how I feel now, but in spite of all the shit I am feeling much more positive in the past week, and much more able to concentrate on the positives. I've been so angry on the forum in the last few months, mostly because of Brian. But this morning it occured to me just how many friends I have on here, and just how many people offered words of support to me and my family after his death. We truly were blessed to have all of you send your wishes and prayers. Many of you have issues with death and sent wishes anyhow, that was very generous. And some find cancer a trigger, and yet none of you who do have avoided me when my cancer returned. Really you are all amazing people, I am so lucky to know all of you. I was trying to count just the people who have communicated with me off the forum through email, the phone and so on, and I realized there are over 20 people!! Plus many more of you don't have my contact details yet are very supportive. Wow. I don't think I've been the best friend to all of you lately, but thanks for sticking by me through everything. I am guilty of taking you all for granted, sorry for that! Anyways I am all over the place with this post... what I am trying to say though is, yes I've had tons of shit lately, but I now feel able to concentrate on all the great things too: the 20+ friends I have on here, who were there through Brian's death, the cancer and so on, and all the support you've offered to me off the forum as well the PRESENTS some of you have sent me in the mail. OMG thank you!! my family, who are always there for me... I now have the ability to talk with them so much more openly than before, and it's really helping. I feel closer to them than I ever have. my driving!! I am just about ready to take my driver's test! and most importantly, having the courage to come back here in spite of my hurt and anger, and learning to control myself and let go of my hurt Thanks to all who've stuck by me and continued to be my friends through all this. Things are obviously no where near perfect yet, nor will they ever be, but I feel I can move on a bit now. Things are finally settling down. Thanks again everyone, I really don't deserve all this support but I am so grateful and I hope you all know that.