I guess this whole thing means I'm not the only one out there despite how isolating it all feels... I was diagnosed this week after a complete breakdown at work...
I was involved in a domestic violence relationship. I tried to get out several times, but even the local police wouldn't really help. Though I'm now finally free - it came at a great cost. As my five year old was tied up, I was assaulted and raped for the last time. It was brutal enough to finally get law enforcement's attention.
In the week after, I was so out of it - hospital care, exams, police etc that I didn't know what hit me. Once I returned to work the real trouble began. I started to panic every time a door opened or if a male got to close to me. I became too paranoid to answer the phone. Then I'd come home and things in my house and been moved around while I was gone. Then one night the front door was kicked in and I stopped being able to handle anymore.
I rarely sleep and if I do it's with a hammer under my pillow and a knife next to the bed. Every sound has be up, checking the doors. Then the flashbacks started. At first it was just back to that and that exact moment I knew I might die. I started getting massive headaches and then other flashbacks started - the memories from a childhood I don't want to remember, things I thought I dealt with and the first time I was raped, hidden deep down for the last 20 years.
I kept telling myself I was fine and was seeing one therapist, that I just needed to focus on my son and all would be fine, but now its just too much. I was having panic attacks at work five to six times a day - the last one had me taken to the ER and the rest, I guess is history.
I'm on forced leave from work and am starting next week with a second therapists. I can barley function at this point. My son and I were up incredibly early today - I know I feed him three meals and a snack and gave him hugs - but I can't remember the rest of the day - fifteen hours have passed and I think all I did was stare a the bookshelf in the living room. I've tried to describe how I felt to someone recently and all I could think of was, you know when you're watching a movie that really scares you and every hair is sticking up, your heart is thumping and you're waiting to jump? That's how I feel all the time.
This does get better..right?
I was involved in a domestic violence relationship. I tried to get out several times, but even the local police wouldn't really help. Though I'm now finally free - it came at a great cost. As my five year old was tied up, I was assaulted and raped for the last time. It was brutal enough to finally get law enforcement's attention.
In the week after, I was so out of it - hospital care, exams, police etc that I didn't know what hit me. Once I returned to work the real trouble began. I started to panic every time a door opened or if a male got to close to me. I became too paranoid to answer the phone. Then I'd come home and things in my house and been moved around while I was gone. Then one night the front door was kicked in and I stopped being able to handle anymore.
I rarely sleep and if I do it's with a hammer under my pillow and a knife next to the bed. Every sound has be up, checking the doors. Then the flashbacks started. At first it was just back to that and that exact moment I knew I might die. I started getting massive headaches and then other flashbacks started - the memories from a childhood I don't want to remember, things I thought I dealt with and the first time I was raped, hidden deep down for the last 20 years.
I kept telling myself I was fine and was seeing one therapist, that I just needed to focus on my son and all would be fine, but now its just too much. I was having panic attacks at work five to six times a day - the last one had me taken to the ER and the rest, I guess is history.
I'm on forced leave from work and am starting next week with a second therapists. I can barley function at this point. My son and I were up incredibly early today - I know I feed him three meals and a snack and gave him hugs - but I can't remember the rest of the day - fifteen hours have passed and I think all I did was stare a the bookshelf in the living room. I've tried to describe how I felt to someone recently and all I could think of was, you know when you're watching a movie that really scares you and every hair is sticking up, your heart is thumping and you're waiting to jump? That's how I feel all the time.
This does get better..right?