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Sufferer Finally broken - recently diagnosed after domestic violence & rape

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DLexi989

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I guess this whole thing means I'm not the only one out there despite how isolating it all feels... I was diagnosed this week after a complete breakdown at work...

I was involved in a domestic violence relationship. I tried to get out several times, but even the local police wouldn't really help. Though I'm now finally free - it came at a great cost. As my five year old was tied up, I was assaulted and raped for the last time. It was brutal enough to finally get law enforcement's attention.

In the week after, I was so out of it - hospital care, exams, police etc that I didn't know what hit me. Once I returned to work the real trouble began. I started to panic every time a door opened or if a male got to close to me. I became too paranoid to answer the phone. Then I'd come home and things in my house and been moved around while I was gone. Then one night the front door was kicked in and I stopped being able to handle anymore.

I rarely sleep and if I do it's with a hammer under my pillow and a knife next to the bed. Every sound has be up, checking the doors. Then the flashbacks started. At first it was just back to that and that exact moment I knew I might die. I started getting massive headaches and then other flashbacks started - the memories from a childhood I don't want to remember, things I thought I dealt with and the first time I was raped, hidden deep down for the last 20 years.

I kept telling myself I was fine and was seeing one therapist, that I just needed to focus on my son and all would be fine, but now its just too much. I was having panic attacks at work five to six times a day - the last one had me taken to the ER and the rest, I guess is history.

I'm on forced leave from work and am starting next week with a second therapists. I can barley function at this point. My son and I were up incredibly early today - I know I feed him three meals and a snack and gave him hugs - but I can't remember the rest of the day - fifteen hours have passed and I think all I did was stare a the bookshelf in the living room. I've tried to describe how I felt to someone recently and all I could think of was, you know when you're watching a movie that really scares you and every hair is sticking up, your heart is thumping and you're waiting to jump? That's how I feel all the time.

This does get better..right?
 
Yes, it does get better. I think once you finally get to a ‘safe place’ the impact can come at you all at once. We are often good at surviving anything and appearing ok, but eventually that impacts us and losing time for me was the only way to deal with the overwhelming impact of the trauma.

It is scary, but it’s your mind surviving and coping with the horrors of what’s happened. The more patient you can be with yourself the better. I’m glad your getting help. I can really relate to feeling idealistic about once out of the situation things being so much better, but unfortunately we can only be in survival mode for so long and then we have to deal with it. Hang in there, give yourself time, it will get better.
 
I am concerned for your safety. Is there a domestic violence woman's shelter that you can move to with your son for now? This initial break up phase is the most dangerous time for you. Also, I have to believe that you will get better! Your ability to feed your child while you were disassociated shows that your auto pilot is looking out for your child! It will take some time, but I believe in you! But please ask your T for some recommendations on a safe place that you can live at in the moment.
 
Yes, you will get better. Yes, you are in shock right now, and as a prisoner, it will be with you for awhile... but you are so very brave !! You got out and got your child out.... and are seeing someone to help you put your life together. Happy you found us, if not happy for the reason. You will get support and validation and encouragement here.
Yes, you will get better. We are here for you, walking with you if you feel alone... get on here and share... it really helps.... gentle hugs for you and your little boy... He has an incredibly brave mom.
 
Welcome to the forums!

There is much reason for hope, even though it probably doesn't feel that way right now.

I agree with the recommendation by @TexCat to look into contacting a shelter and seeing about staying at a safe house - this might actually help calm down your symptoms a bit to feel a bit safer. They are very secure and protected places.
 
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