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Finally Doing A Lot Better

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I have been fighting PTSD at a very low level all my life until about four months ago. Then I was forced into a psychiatric ward by my now ex wife telling a lie to my doctor by telling him I was suicidal. He was required to send me to the ward. That was a huge mistake. A number of very bad incidents including violence in that ward caused my PTSD to flare up to the max. The very last thing I needed in my life was up close violence and also being directly subjected to three different possible ways to kill me because of my medical conditions. One of my strongest cues now is to hear anybody sound the least bit like they are arguing, never mind banging their head on the wall and screaming all night long.

It has been terrible trying to deal with the PTSD since then. There have been many evenings when I haven't been able to sleep until maybe three am and sometimes almost not at all. Nightmares from my abused childhood have flared up, dreams I haven't had since I was a child.

Three weeks ago I started a 9 week series of group therapy CBT for PTSD. Also, a couple of weeks ago my doctor prescribed me a very light evening dose of Oxazepam. That is a benzo drug with a very short half life so it is mostly worn off by the morning.

The group therapy is being done by a couple of female therapists one of which is also my own therapist. It is being done in an excellent manner and has already helped me in certain ways. With the only 15 mg dose of Oxazepam I am sleeping like a log and go to sleep in minutes with no observable side effects in the morning.

I am feeling ten times better and am now really starting to feel like getting things done that I have not been interested in doing at all since I got out of the hell hole ward they put me in. I also no longer care what my ex wife is up to, it's over and done with, mostly. It is no longer running a vicious tightening spiral in my head every evening. I think that is in large part due to the Oxazepam even at such a small dose. The dose on that can go up to over 100 mg per day. Not needed at all, at least not for me. I am also not the addiction type, so I'm not concerned about that.

Things are finally going better with more improvement on the horizon. Yay!!
 
I can't believe how well I slept last night. I went to bed at what would be my usual time, midnight. I woke up this morning and immediately noticed I was feeling pretty good. Had the usual am ablutions and came out here to my computer. It was TEN AM. Holy cow! I haven't slept ten hours straight since I was a teen. Incredible and I have been feeling great all day. I don't know what to attribute it to, it can't just be the drugs. I don't take enough to get this high. What a good day this is. I am feeling better than I have since the middle of February. Maybe this is how a person is supposed to feel when they don't have any depression and other associated PTSD problems? I can't recall for sure how long it has been since I really felt OK. I'm 65 but if I keep feeling this good I'm going to have to look for a much younger girlfriend if she wants to keep up with me. <grin>
 
Well, I wish I could say it has been like that every day but it is far from it. I am having the odd day where I feel a lot better and in fact today is one of them. I have finally pretty much gotten over the severe issues created when my ex wife decided she was bored living with a sick guy so she deserted me. She still seems to have some very bad problems with her memory but there is squat I can do about it. She now maintains that I ran out on her and she never even considered leaving me even though my medical record from nearly six months ago says "His wife is no longer prepared to live with him any longer". What she had planned is known as "Criminal Desertion". It is actually against the law. That is because I was depending on her to drive me to the hospital every week for treatment. You are not allowed to just run out on someone in those circumstances.

My PTSD is now very clearly triggered by anything that has anything to do with violence. That even includes just hearing people arguing over anything. Even just hearing bad language is enough. Fortunately my apartment has the manager on one side and an emergency room nurse on the other. It's pretty quiet here. I am also going to church now and that is a place where you can be sure there will be no trace of bad language or violence. I like going to church. It is very calming. Last Sunday I even had a turn reading the Bible to the congregation, which I very much enjoy.

I am also now finally doing some things that involve actually thinking and working on things like I used to do. I am building a 3D printer and nearly have it done. Then I have a laser engraver to build and another 3D printer to work on. I am no longer just sitting here running the same crap around in my brain time after time, over and over. That part is greatly improved and it's about time. It's a pretty recent development but it seems to be holding. It has taken half a year to get past that part that was so badly fired up by being imprisoned in a psychiatric ward for three weeks. Now if I could just figure out some way to deal with even the slightest trace of violence. That isn't going to be easy if even possible. It goes back to very early childhood.
 
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