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Finally Figuring Out Who I Am

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Malaenis

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Back in March I cut ties with my mother, who was emotionally abusive. I'd given her over a dozen chances and she always went right back to it, and turned the blame on me somehow. It is bittersweet not having toxic parents in my life, because it also means I don't have parents. I have no one that's guaranteed to be there for me.

But on the good side of it, I've noticed recently I'm learning more about who I am everyday. Or maybe growing into that person now that I'm able to. Like some parts of my true personality held back to fit what I needed to be around my family. Also how tense and angry I'd get whenever I was around them, I feel like it pulled me back to square one. I've started some deeper work on figuring out who -I- am. I've been better at dealing with the toxic shaming. I'm even a better mother to my son.

I'm able to look at myself now and say forget those awful thoughts about yourself, because through all the horrible things you've been through, you're here. You're alive. You're healing.

There were things I'd done in my past that have been haunting me a bit lately. Bad coping methods before I knew why I felt the things I did. It's a time of my life I don't talk about because I'm ashamed of how I acted then. But I was able to come to terms with it. Because even though that person isn't who I really am, it brought me to this point. I learned my lessons from my actions then. And I was able to forgive myself for what I did.

My therapist and psychiatrist both have told me recently that I'm good at expressing my emotions, and knowing what I need. My therapist also said I'm honest with myself about who I am. How that's what has helped me get this far. My son's mentor today commended me for how I handle his ADHD and my cPTSD. He does some things that trigger me or make me anxious, and I explained that to the mentor and how I handle it by letting my son know this isn't his fault and not because I don't love him. The particular issue is sometimes I need physical space when I'm especially anxious and stressed. Which was very nice to hear, and a relief, because I'm sure other parents on here understand constantly questioning yourself and if you're doing what's right for them.

So just a few little improvements that were nice to see. To know it does get a little easier, just takes time. :)
 
I feel so happy for you! I remember when I finally broke off contact with my family. I'd been wanting to for so long, but they were all I had in life, and I felt they needed me (I was their scapegoat). The day I realized that they were never mine in the first place was one of the best days of my life, because it allowed me to leave the emotional baggage where it belonged - with them.

I think it's wonderful that your son understands where you're coming from emotionally. He doesn't have to feel confused and uncertain about your feelings for him. Kudos to you!
 
I feel so happy for you! I remember when I finally broke off contact with my family. I'd been wanting to for so long, but they were all I had in life, and I felt they needed me (I was their scapegoat).

I held on for so long because I thought I needed them. My mom liked it when I depended on her, and she used to also complain that I'd never be able to survive on my own. I feel like her put downs I took on as who I was. She called me lazy all the time and I believed I was. Today I did a 13:38 minute/mile on my "zombie run"(love that app), I exercise more often than most people. I'm eating super healthy too. I'm figuring out how to handle things on my own, and it isn't nearly as hard as I thought it would be without them to fall back on. I'm finally claiming myself, taking control of my own life, and it feels amazing. :)
 
Well done for taking the big step - it's not always easy. I cut contact with my remaining family over two years ago (it consisted of my emotionally abusive mother, my sister and her family and also, sadly by default, the extended family). To be honest, personally, I still have days where I feel a bit 'adrift' without any family ties from my childhood. However, the progress I've found you can make and the quality of life that you can have is incredible. I know I couldn't have made ANY of that progress if I was still in contact. Over two years later, I still often feel like I'm going to cry with relief when I realise I no longer have them in my life. You deserve to have the time to keep on working on 'who you are'. My son has ADHD too - I know what you mean about the questioning yourself, especially when you haven't had a role model to follow from your own parent. Enjoy your new life! :joyful:
 
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