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Supporter Finally reaching out for help. partner of 3 years with childhood trauma & angry outbursts.

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MsVirgo

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Hello and nice to meet you.
I've never really talked about my partner's PTSD much but I'm struggling to cope with it all on my own. Sometimes life is fantastic and I can cope just fine, other times it's horrific and I wonder how I got here. But I would like to be able to discuss these things with people who understand, so that's why I'm here!

I've been with my partner for 3yrs, we've lived together for 2. It was a whirlwind romance but shortly after we started seeing each other his mother died. I never met her but knew that she had been an incredibly disfunctional alcoholic and he hadn't had an easy childhood after he found his father dead at 9yrs old. It was just him and his mum, and no one intervened so it was pretty bad at times. When we met I was unaware that he was also struggling with alcoholism, which spiralled after his mother died.

Despite this he is such a wonderful person and I stuck by him, and over the last 3 years he's managed to become sober (mostly - every couple of months there's a relapse), he sees a counsellor once a week, goes swimming twice a week, eats healthy, and we try to keep busy and positive, but about 6 months ago he uncovered some repressed memories of his mother sexually abusing him as a child and was diagnosed with PTSD.

The stage of uncovering and confronting these memories (him at counselling) was very difficult for us both, but I've tried to research as much as I can in order to better deal with him and my own feelings. I've found concentrating on my own life but offering support if he needs it to be the only way to deal with it all, even though that's hard sometimes.

The thing I'm still struggling with is these angry outbursts he has, mostly in the mornings (or if he relapses and drinks - he's a nasty drunk). He goes from being the most kind, wonderful, loving man into an aggressive, spiteful monster. It's like a completely different person, like he's not in there anymore. He'll say things that he knows will hurt me (I've learnt to try not to take it onboard) but also he can be very physically intimidating. He's never hit me but has grabbed, shoved and even choked me once or twice. I hate to sound so matter of fact about it, I know it's not right and I'm not the kind of woman to take that, I always stand up for myself (which often doesn't help), but I have learnt that it's not him (I think?!) and that I should just get out of his way when he's in that place, it does upset me greatly though. He used to use drinking to numb these feelings but is trying very hard not to, and I think he now lacks a coping mechanism.

He'll usually need to leave the house and a few hours later he'll come back and apologise profusely, him and his counsellor believe the anger is directed at his mum and that I just get the brunt of it as she's not around anymore. He will be so distraught about what he's done to me that sometimes he'll self harm (punching himself in the head - I find this so distressing, apparently he's done it since a teen). He doesn't understand where the anger comes from and describes it as "a switch" going off, then he can't control it/isn't aware of it, it upsets him greatly that he hurts me and often I'll be the one doing the comforting afterwards as I know it's not all his fault, he has had a very very tough upbringing, though sometimes this makes me resentful as he is often incapable of supporting me and it can be tiring being the strong one all the time.

I have read similar descriptions of these outburts from people with PTSD but I don't know what we can do to stop it, or at least make them happen less often (it's at least once a week currently). He is doing so much better than 3 years ago and tries very hard but I'm getting exhausted with these emotionally charged mornings and it feels like no one knows or can help us, I feel very alone.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to deal with him when this happens? What we can both do on a daily basis? Or just to let me know that they experience the same? I don't really have anyone to talk to about it as everyone who loves me would (understandably) tell me he is abusive (which he is) and to leave, but it is a lot more complicated than that and he is also struggling.

Sorry for the essay! I've never really explained it all before so my thoughts are a bit jumbly!
And thank you :)
 
The choking is a big danger signal and absolutely not ok.
He IS getting help.
That is excellent.

I think if he drinks, you should go somewhere else for safety, if at all possible.
 
I'm worried for your safety, and much more worried because this sounds as if you are allowing him to continue to behave badly. If he attacked someone else in the same way as he does you, would that be OK? I think grabbing, shoving and choking anyone else would lead to problems with the law.

Does his therapist know what is happening, and how often? I think you need to be sure they are fully aware of it, and to insist on some joint sessions to work out how this can be managed without putting you at risk. Keeping secrets to protect someone else rarely works.
 
Hi @MsVirgo and welcome to your new home :hug:

My hubby punches himself in the head too. It's so upsetting to see, but it's better than when he used to smash his head against the wall. I've learned to use put a cushion in the way (used my hand once and it hurt!).

I would agree that you need to be careful about making sure that you are safe. It's great that he is getting help, and that he knows what he has done is wrong, but he still needs to work with his therapist to find a safer way (for both of you) to deal with his anger.

This is a great place to be, full of wonderful people who will share their experiences and give you support and advice.

Good luck!
 
Thank you for your replies and I'm sorry if I've worried anyone.
Though I know that any physical violence is unacceptable maybe I should have made myself clearer, the choking incidence was more like grabbing me before he realised what he was doing and stopped. I'm not excusing it, it's still awful and I've made it very clear to him that anything like that is not ok and he feels greatly ashamed and would never do anything like that if he was in control of himself. It is like he goes to another place where he is unsafe and doesn't realise who I am, I know that sounds odd and it is, I can't explain it any other way.

@Sandstone I know that by staying I am allowing it to happen but he is working hard to try and get control, and I am working hard to support him. Maybe I shouldn't but I guess that's my mistake to make, though from the incredible positive changes I've seen in him over the past 3 years I do believe that it's possible for him to eventually get a hang of this. I hope.

His counsellor apparently does know, but I will ask to have a couples session as that seems like a good idea. She has helped him with exposure therapy for example but doesn't seem to offer actual techniques outside of a session so maybe it would help for me to go too and explain better.

Thank you @Purplemunchkin - it's good to know that he's not the only one, although I'm sorry to hear you experience that too, it's quite upsetting, though I've told him to perhaps take it out on the wall rather than his head as walls are replaceable, or to immediately leave and go for a walk, which he does usually.

@Stickler I agree it is absolutely not ok and I do get out of the way when he drinks, though this is happening much less often now. Thank you for your reply.

I know I sound like I'm putting up with it and please don't worry for my safety, it's a rare occurence that he becomes like this and at the slightest chance of anything more I will take myself out of the picture but we've done so well to get to this stage and I believe that he needs help and love rather than me leaving him.

I just want some methods for dealing with it, or similar experiences so I can understand my situation better, so thank you for the support so far.

x
 
Welcome to the forum. :)

I think it's important to have strong boundaries. If he lays a finger on you for any reason, you will leave, i.e. Maybe for a day, maybe for a week. Your safety is paramount and in those moments where he is angry/raging, your safety is more important than helping him through the episode IMHO.
 
Welcome to the forums :hug:

As was mentioned, do not, and I repeat, do not dump your own well being. You cannot support if you aren't okay. And to be okay, you need to take care of yourself :hug:

I hope this place helps
 
@MsVirgo Welcome and I hope you have found this site helpful!

Its tough to read about the violence as there are many here, myself included, who have PTSD as a result of it. However, it is up to each person individually to determine how they will handle it and how much they will take. Just make sure you are safe at all times and don't engage as that never helps.
 
Hello and nice to meet you.
I've never really talked about my partner's PTSD much but I'm struggling to...
Mostly PTSD happens when the stress level keeps increasing and there is no vent. Both Good and Bad stress add up to this. In your husbands case from what you tell me it feels that some childhood bad situations have got registered subconsciously and they are starting to show their ugly faces again.When he is calm and cool, spend more time with him and show him the other side of how much joy and happiness can a loving trustworthy women give him. The positiveness in these actions will slowly erase the negativeness of his old thoughts and there is a very good chance that his PTSD will vanish. At the same time stay safe when he becomes violent. God Bless
 
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