Hello and nice to meet you.
I've never really talked about my partner's PTSD much but I'm struggling to cope with it all on my own. Sometimes life is fantastic and I can cope just fine, other times it's horrific and I wonder how I got here. But I would like to be able to discuss these things with people who understand, so that's why I'm here!
I've been with my partner for 3yrs, we've lived together for 2. It was a whirlwind romance but shortly after we started seeing each other his mother died. I never met her but knew that she had been an incredibly disfunctional alcoholic and he hadn't had an easy childhood after he found his father dead at 9yrs old. It was just him and his mum, and no one intervened so it was pretty bad at times. When we met I was unaware that he was also struggling with alcoholism, which spiralled after his mother died.
Despite this he is such a wonderful person and I stuck by him, and over the last 3 years he's managed to become sober (mostly - every couple of months there's a relapse), he sees a counsellor once a week, goes swimming twice a week, eats healthy, and we try to keep busy and positive, but about 6 months ago he uncovered some repressed memories of his mother sexually abusing him as a child and was diagnosed with PTSD.
The stage of uncovering and confronting these memories (him at counselling) was very difficult for us both, but I've tried to research as much as I can in order to better deal with him and my own feelings. I've found concentrating on my own life but offering support if he needs it to be the only way to deal with it all, even though that's hard sometimes.
The thing I'm still struggling with is these angry outbursts he has, mostly in the mornings (or if he relapses and drinks - he's a nasty drunk). He goes from being the most kind, wonderful, loving man into an aggressive, spiteful monster. It's like a completely different person, like he's not in there anymore. He'll say things that he knows will hurt me (I've learnt to try not to take it onboard) but also he can be very physically intimidating. He's never hit me but has grabbed, shoved and even choked me once or twice. I hate to sound so matter of fact about it, I know it's not right and I'm not the kind of woman to take that, I always stand up for myself (which often doesn't help), but I have learnt that it's not him (I think?!) and that I should just get out of his way when he's in that place, it does upset me greatly though. He used to use drinking to numb these feelings but is trying very hard not to, and I think he now lacks a coping mechanism.
He'll usually need to leave the house and a few hours later he'll come back and apologise profusely, him and his counsellor believe the anger is directed at his mum and that I just get the brunt of it as she's not around anymore. He will be so distraught about what he's done to me that sometimes he'll self harm (punching himself in the head - I find this so distressing, apparently he's done it since a teen). He doesn't understand where the anger comes from and describes it as "a switch" going off, then he can't control it/isn't aware of it, it upsets him greatly that he hurts me and often I'll be the one doing the comforting afterwards as I know it's not all his fault, he has had a very very tough upbringing, though sometimes this makes me resentful as he is often incapable of supporting me and it can be tiring being the strong one all the time.
I have read similar descriptions of these outburts from people with PTSD but I don't know what we can do to stop it, or at least make them happen less often (it's at least once a week currently). He is doing so much better than 3 years ago and tries very hard but I'm getting exhausted with these emotionally charged mornings and it feels like no one knows or can help us, I feel very alone.
Can anyone give me some advice on how to deal with him when this happens? What we can both do on a daily basis? Or just to let me know that they experience the same? I don't really have anyone to talk to about it as everyone who loves me would (understandably) tell me he is abusive (which he is) and to leave, but it is a lot more complicated than that and he is also struggling.
Sorry for the essay! I've never really explained it all before so my thoughts are a bit jumbly!
And thank you :)
I've never really talked about my partner's PTSD much but I'm struggling to cope with it all on my own. Sometimes life is fantastic and I can cope just fine, other times it's horrific and I wonder how I got here. But I would like to be able to discuss these things with people who understand, so that's why I'm here!
I've been with my partner for 3yrs, we've lived together for 2. It was a whirlwind romance but shortly after we started seeing each other his mother died. I never met her but knew that she had been an incredibly disfunctional alcoholic and he hadn't had an easy childhood after he found his father dead at 9yrs old. It was just him and his mum, and no one intervened so it was pretty bad at times. When we met I was unaware that he was also struggling with alcoholism, which spiralled after his mother died.
Despite this he is such a wonderful person and I stuck by him, and over the last 3 years he's managed to become sober (mostly - every couple of months there's a relapse), he sees a counsellor once a week, goes swimming twice a week, eats healthy, and we try to keep busy and positive, but about 6 months ago he uncovered some repressed memories of his mother sexually abusing him as a child and was diagnosed with PTSD.
The stage of uncovering and confronting these memories (him at counselling) was very difficult for us both, but I've tried to research as much as I can in order to better deal with him and my own feelings. I've found concentrating on my own life but offering support if he needs it to be the only way to deal with it all, even though that's hard sometimes.
The thing I'm still struggling with is these angry outbursts he has, mostly in the mornings (or if he relapses and drinks - he's a nasty drunk). He goes from being the most kind, wonderful, loving man into an aggressive, spiteful monster. It's like a completely different person, like he's not in there anymore. He'll say things that he knows will hurt me (I've learnt to try not to take it onboard) but also he can be very physically intimidating. He's never hit me but has grabbed, shoved and even choked me once or twice. I hate to sound so matter of fact about it, I know it's not right and I'm not the kind of woman to take that, I always stand up for myself (which often doesn't help), but I have learnt that it's not him (I think?!) and that I should just get out of his way when he's in that place, it does upset me greatly though. He used to use drinking to numb these feelings but is trying very hard not to, and I think he now lacks a coping mechanism.
He'll usually need to leave the house and a few hours later he'll come back and apologise profusely, him and his counsellor believe the anger is directed at his mum and that I just get the brunt of it as she's not around anymore. He will be so distraught about what he's done to me that sometimes he'll self harm (punching himself in the head - I find this so distressing, apparently he's done it since a teen). He doesn't understand where the anger comes from and describes it as "a switch" going off, then he can't control it/isn't aware of it, it upsets him greatly that he hurts me and often I'll be the one doing the comforting afterwards as I know it's not all his fault, he has had a very very tough upbringing, though sometimes this makes me resentful as he is often incapable of supporting me and it can be tiring being the strong one all the time.
I have read similar descriptions of these outburts from people with PTSD but I don't know what we can do to stop it, or at least make them happen less often (it's at least once a week currently). He is doing so much better than 3 years ago and tries very hard but I'm getting exhausted with these emotionally charged mornings and it feels like no one knows or can help us, I feel very alone.
Can anyone give me some advice on how to deal with him when this happens? What we can both do on a daily basis? Or just to let me know that they experience the same? I don't really have anyone to talk to about it as everyone who loves me would (understandably) tell me he is abusive (which he is) and to leave, but it is a lot more complicated than that and he is also struggling.
Sorry for the essay! I've never really explained it all before so my thoughts are a bit jumbly!
And thank you :)