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Sufferer Finally realized after 40 years what my dad did to me. abuse & csa.

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Rose White

MyPTSD Pro
My life was all messed up, I couldn't be happy no matter what and trauma kept happening. I went to therapy to be a better parent and better teacher, but my therapist helped me to be honest with myself and allow myself to feel emotions. Once I could feel the feelings I could access the memories and since I decided to be honest with myself, I knew they weren't right. I think my husband wants to leave me now. He feels like he no longer "has me", says I'm robotic and that everyone has their problems. To top it all off we live with my parents, including the dad who molested me and beat me. I didn't realize it was wrong. I feel very sad but dissociative at the same time. Today I felt like I wanted to murder my dad while I was driving, but I don't feel that way now. I can barely look my therapist in the eyes even though I know she is a safe person. I want to try to be more present with her next time.
 
My mother-in-law and my therapist both encouraged me to meet with my husband and tell him everything. We met and I told him everything and I felt very grounded and he listened and never ever made it about himself. He apologized for not listening and taking me seriously when I first told him that I was dealing with my past. He always knew that what my dad had done was wrong but I was the one who kept saying it was not a big deal. We decided to move out of the house that we live in with my parents. I'm going to stay at my in-laws with our younger kids while he finds a rental for us. I'm trying to do grounding exercises and learn how to connect with my body as I detox from 40 years of lying to myself and ignoring my body and emotions. I feel so alone, I've never felt so alone because I was always pre-occupied with everyone else in my life and now I see so many people for the rude, selfish, people that they are. The one thing that suddenly infuriates me is people who steal my time by talking just to hear themselves talk. I used to be the sympathetic ear and my kids were pulling on me to go, and I wanted to be a good listener. Now I feel myself getting angry when people take advantage of me that way. My kids are all happy about moving. One thing that scares me that I will have to deal with is the possibility that my dad molested my daughter. She told me within the last year that she and my dad played "the bathroom game" and in my state of denial about EVERYTHING at the time and my fear I just shrugged it off!!! I feel guilty and ashamed about that, but I will do my best to address that issue when I feel strong enough. I feel so weak right now. At my last therapy appointment, when I told my therapist what I realized (while in a state of dissociation) at the end I said, "I feel so empty." And she said, "You feel so full. These things have filled you to the brim and they are coming out of you now, and they are going to keep coming out for a while now."
 
Oh my god, my dad did something to my daughter. I'm freaking out. She won't tell me what it was. She said she's too embarrassed. She said she was two. I asked her about the bathroom game. She got really uncomfortable and said she was too embarrassed and she kind of balled up sadly for a moment. Then she made something up and said she can't remember things from when she was that young. I'm so glad we are moving out but I feel sooo angry and sad!!!!!
 
Knowing and feeling (head and heart) were just not connected for you until you pursued therapy. I can relate to that, as I'm sure can so many. The facts by themselves seem meaningless when one is in that state of "disconnect."

I'm still working through this kind of daily disconnect, when I feel unable to access emotions I need to process social situations. I'm not sure that this will ever come out how I want, but it's a work in progress, and I feel that I am an okay and worthwhile person in the meantime.

Please keep your therapist updated, and your husband, for support. During this whole healing process, it is vital to let go of the secret keeping as it is what caused the head-heart disconnect. To heal, truth has to be spoken.
 
Are you taking your daughter to a therapist? I know you are going through such a hard time right now, and I respect your fighting spirit. Please try to be kind to yourself, it is a huge shock when your memories come back, and you can't change what happened back then. Self-care is so important right now. One of the things that helps me when I have intrusive thoughts or am starting to flashback is to say to myself, "It's not happening now, I'm safe now".

I'm glad you found the forum.
 
I agree with what @DharmaGirl suggested that you take your child to a qualified therapist right away. You are the voice that speaks up for your child.

When I found out that my daughter had been molested by my dad I had just gotten myself into therapy and was falling apart but I tried to report my dad to the police to make a report and they told me that my daughter was too young to be a credible witness against him

With the help of a Ombudsman program they were able to shut down his unliscensed day care. Shortly after that he sold out and left the state and I never saw or spoke to him again. Keeping you guys in my prayers and I wish you to be strong now for your child and and for yourself. You will make it through this. I know the feelings are so hard to face, but you and your child will be okay later on. You will eventually heal from this. Good luck.
 
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