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Deleted member 19804
Hi,
I didn't really know what to say here, so I just looked through other threads to see what others wrote.
I'm a 20 year old female student and have been unofficially diagnosed with PTSD (as in, I have been diagnosed with being traumatized and my symptoms match those of PTSD, having lasted for about a year and a half now).
I developed anorexia nervosa when I was about 13, trying desperately to get people to like me after having been bullied for a year. Throughout puberty I have met the wrong men a bit too often and have been sexually abused over the internet and had boyfriends that made me feel like I was only worth being used for sex.
When I was 18 and had just broken up with my last boyfriend, I was more desperate than ever for confirmation that I mattered to someone. I started dating a guy and after a few weeks he invited me to his place, where he raped me twice. Because I was extremely weak, both mentally and physically, I could barely put up a fight and just dissociated. All I could feel was pain and all I could think of was ' please make it stop'. I was so confused that I told myself and others that it was voluntary. Apparently I really was worthless. I deserved it.
I tried to forget and succeeded for a few months, until I couldn't anymore and got into a major depression. During this time, I also had horrible nightmares and daily panic attacks that were so extreme, that I didn't know what was real anymore and was convinced that I was going to die because I deserved to. I had just started talking to a good psychologist for my eating disorder, who gave me a test on depression. My scores were alarmingly high, so I was referred to a psychiatrist for anti-depressants.
I still depend on my meds to feel safe enough to function in public. The nightmares have not gone, but they're less horrible and less frequent. Same goes for the flashbacks, but that's partially because I have learned to avoid anything that remembers me of that day. I can still come home in the evening sobbing with fear because I had to walk through the dark for 5 minutes.
So that's my story in a nut shell. I am still seeing my psychologist, but I'm still waiting for treatment for PTSD specifically. I think it's wonderful there is a forum for sufferers and supporters. I'm hoping to find and maybe offer some support and recognition here.
I didn't really know what to say here, so I just looked through other threads to see what others wrote.
I'm a 20 year old female student and have been unofficially diagnosed with PTSD (as in, I have been diagnosed with being traumatized and my symptoms match those of PTSD, having lasted for about a year and a half now).
I developed anorexia nervosa when I was about 13, trying desperately to get people to like me after having been bullied for a year. Throughout puberty I have met the wrong men a bit too often and have been sexually abused over the internet and had boyfriends that made me feel like I was only worth being used for sex.
When I was 18 and had just broken up with my last boyfriend, I was more desperate than ever for confirmation that I mattered to someone. I started dating a guy and after a few weeks he invited me to his place, where he raped me twice. Because I was extremely weak, both mentally and physically, I could barely put up a fight and just dissociated. All I could feel was pain and all I could think of was ' please make it stop'. I was so confused that I told myself and others that it was voluntary. Apparently I really was worthless. I deserved it.
I tried to forget and succeeded for a few months, until I couldn't anymore and got into a major depression. During this time, I also had horrible nightmares and daily panic attacks that were so extreme, that I didn't know what was real anymore and was convinced that I was going to die because I deserved to. I had just started talking to a good psychologist for my eating disorder, who gave me a test on depression. My scores were alarmingly high, so I was referred to a psychiatrist for anti-depressants.
I still depend on my meds to feel safe enough to function in public. The nightmares have not gone, but they're less horrible and less frequent. Same goes for the flashbacks, but that's partially because I have learned to avoid anything that remembers me of that day. I can still come home in the evening sobbing with fear because I had to walk through the dark for 5 minutes.
So that's my story in a nut shell. I am still seeing my psychologist, but I'm still waiting for treatment for PTSD specifically. I think it's wonderful there is a forum for sufferers and supporters. I'm hoping to find and maybe offer some support and recognition here.