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Relationship "flakiness"

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How much flakiness (such as avoidance, not being on time and so on) is okay and tolerable for you as a spouse?

Do you already expect flakiness from your Vet? I noticed that I expect him to act like "everybody else" and I often end up disappointed. Is it time to lower my expectations?

How does one lower ones expectations?
 
To give you a few examples.
My husbands just does not like certain things. He does not like crowds, he does not like to have people staring at his back. There are other things he does not like but I do not know all of them because he does not talk about them... though he has opened up a little bit lately... anyway...
My husband has some very strange ideas such as "when I don't watch out everybody will be infected by the germs that live in our house and they will die".
So he sorts of needs to clean certain things a certain way, needs to wash his hands a certain way and if he does not he feels like everybody is unsafe.

Now I expect him to do something but he cannot do it for a number of reasons - for example I ask him to give me a bib for the baby and he notices it's a little bit crinkled - and then he thinks it is dirty and full of germs and then instead of giving me the one he found he goes searching for a new one or say he is cleaning something - and he just cannot stop until that is perfect.

He avoids things, like when there is one of his triggers - he avoids it. So meanwhile I do not expect him to do crowds anymore.

Now when my husband is experiencing stress or fear he does not talk about it - instead he is just so arrogant. He starts cracking jokes... or sometimes he insults me.

So he is sort of triggered by dirt but he tells me "No. I am not triggered by dirt. You are just a dirty and have no standards, aren't you ashamed of yourself?". Thanksfully he does not talk to me like this very often but it has happened.

So when we discussed this he told me I can expect anything of him I would expect of somebody else but I think it is not true and I told him that.

So I sometimes feel like I a "single mother" - e.g. I cannot expect my husabnd to come to crowded or loud places with us. I cannot expect him to help if it involves dirt. I cannot expect him to be on time.

How to find a balance and expect much but not too much of him?
 
I know what you mean by "flakey", and I used to have a big problem with it in the beginning of our relationship. Cancelling plans, blowing people off, not doing what he said he would do, etc. These things would be rude or flakey out of anybody in any other circumstance, but it's different with a PTSD sufferer.
When he seems flakey, often times it is really him not being able to deal with whatever he was supposed to deal with. He may be stressed, panicking, or feeling sick. It comes and goes, and he is better about it when he is feeling better. When he is symptomatic though, all bets are off.

That is just something that you have to learn to let go of if it is not important. That, and just learn to be very flexible with plans and doing things on your own.
 
Exactly @Sweetpea76. you do a better job explaining this then I do.

So my husband says he wants me to go out without him because he does not like crowds but still he sometimes says we will go some place - friends and us and then he does not want to and I have to tell them.

... and apart from the crowds thing he says he wants to take an equal share in rising our kids but then... he has a cleaning habit... and he knows it... he knows that his feelings about dirt are not normal... but cannot snatch out of it... but he still wants me to expect him to do things, help out (instead of starting a cleaning orgy). There are certain things he does not touch but then he expect me to expect him to snatch out of it. Does this make sense?
 
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Sure, I get it. My vet will want to go out and do things. He was a vey outgoing and social guy before Iraq. He was always out doing something, and he still has that extroverted tendency deep down. He will make plans, then at the last minute the stress will be too much, and he cancels or often times no-shows because he can't deal with the stress of cancelling. Then he makes himself sick over not being able to go. It's a vicious cycle.

It was really hard for me to understand. It seemed like he was causing himself ten times more stress by not going than just sucking it up and going in the first place. Then I learned that when it comes to PTSD, there is not the ability to suck these things up all the time.

Over time, his real friends learned that he gets sick and has to cancel sometimes. That's just the way it goes. The people who couldn't deal with it aren't real friends. I just learned to be flexible... like if he cancels our plans, I take my kids out and do something instead. We just roll with it.
 
So my Vet tells my he does not want me to learn to live with it but to have some expectations. He says he does not mind me going out without him but he says he wants to play a role in bringing up our children... but then he often cannot do what he promised to do because of PTSD... and when I start a discussion about this he just gets so arrogant blames it all on me...

...one example. Like I said he has to wash his hands a certain way and if he gets distracted he needs to start all over again and this is worst if ir involves the baby. So lets say I ask him to prepare the mush for the baby (which is easy - just pour hot water over it) and he starts by washing his hands his special way and if he gets distracted he start to wash them again same way. He has to do all the steps of washing his hands all over again. By then I ask him that I want to do it and he tells me it is just because I am so dirty and our house is a mess - small wonder he feels he needs to wash his hands like this.

Should I just stop to ask him to help?

When the bed linen had a small spot he makes me wash it. It is so much work because it nearly always has a small spot because of our toddler. He made me wash it the yesterday. I started an argument because I just changed it the day before and it is so much work. Why do I wash it? When he believes it is dirty he takes it off the bed sheet and throws it on the floor - then it is really dirty and even I don't want it on our bed anymore.

Should I just suck things like this up?
 
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Should I just stop to ask him to help?

Personally, I wouldn't ask him to help do things if he can't do them without taking out his frustration on you. Maybe he could help more by watching the kids or holding them while you do things like make up their food, etc.

I would definitely NOT suck up him telling you that you are dirty. That is pretty crappy, especially if he knows he has a germ/dirt thing. He is taking out his own issues on you. You cannot expect a sterile environment in a home with small children, and I'm sure if he has a dirt thing, your house is probably spotless by any standard but his. Like with the sheets you just changed... I would tell that he is making unnecessary work for you, and that you don't have the time nor the inclination to wash the sheets every day. If he didn't like it, he has two choices: wash the damn sheets himself or shut up... whatever melts his butter. I'm a bitch though ;)
 
Thanks! I started a poll because I want to know who of the both of us is the unreasonable one but I think it is him.

Your advice not to ask him to prepare the food seems to be sound *sigh*. I don't understand it *sigh*. Preparing this is so idiot proof.
There aren't gazillions of babys dying from contaminated food - why the fear? Why can't he just snatch out of it?
 
He says it has always been part of how he is but it became worse because of his PTSD and because of his military training. He realizes it is a bit over the top and that other people do not do it but he feels afraid nearly all of the time since his PTSD became so bad.

He told me he wakes up in the morning already feeling afraid and sometimes it gets better over the day sometimes it doesn't.

Because he already feels afraid that fear just "jumps on" things.

There was a time when this fear was so bad he just did not want to get up. He just wanted to stay in bed all day and not to face his fears but he did get up and then it got better again. So it was worse before but it still is bad... but I am sure it will get better.
 
BTW I noticed what @SGT Crim1 said. There is sort of an emotional distance between us and he cracks jokes instead of discussing things :(
He can't take anything serious ever.
There is nothing on this world that is not a laughing matter to him.
At least that is what he pretends.
 
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