• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Flasbacks Of Fear And Guilt

Status
Not open for further replies.

bluebird

MyPTSD Pro
My abuser - my granduncle - was abusing me since I was three till I was eight. I have three younger siblings, fortunately, none of them was abused...

It was only recently when I have recoveref memories of feeling terrible fear for them - the worst moments were during oraly rapes at the age of four and five- I kind of - sacrificed? myself for my baby brother, trying to keep him safe, hoping it will be enough...

I haven't dealt with this yet.

And now, my aunt and her children (all of them are pre-school)" are planning to visit and spend some time with another relatives, including my abuser... it us a huge trigger!

I just - can't stand it -oh God, not anymore, please... I do not want to feel so helpless again! I so desperately long to save them, protect them, I feel like I'm putting them into danger...

My aunt knows about him abusing me - not the severity of it, though... And I know hr is very old, has dementia...

But - the Little Girl inside of me doesn't know that... She is do scared! She wants to go there, protect the children, she wants to do her best despise the pain which seeing gim would bring to her...

Desperate! Really not knowing how to stop freaking out like that! I can't stand him being in the conpany of such small children! Really don't know what to do! Such powerlessness... I don't trust them! And I am scared he will try to do something again - although he is so old and doesn't remember any of the things he did to me! I think I will go there and it will hurt so badly, yet not doing anything hurts even more...:confused: :cry::(:(:(
 
This must be so hard for you.

Keep that thought with you.... He is old and their mother knows he was abusive towards you. She will be watching them. He will be too old to abuse now.

It doesn't take your pain away but it will help to keep you grounded in the present. You have the rational knowledge that the children will be safe. Hang onto that.
 
I feel for you. In all likelihood, your relatives are going to be safe, even if you aren't there. But seeing him might not be safe for you. I wouldn't go myself. I'm skipping a coastal vacation with the family because I don't want to spend a week around my brother.I can't tell you what to do but.. just know that whatever you decide, we've got your back. :hug:
 
Is there a way you can reach out to your aunt and remind her not to leave her children alone with the abuser? It might make your Little Girl feel less helpless. I completely understand your concern. Even though he's old and has dementia, he's still the same person. I agree with @Go Hungry, it's probably not safe for you to go there for your own wellbeing.
 
The 'man' who abused me is way old now. I know that my little part wouldn't cope being around him - she'd be terified.

Sometimes (this may be weird) I find it a relief to go to a shopping centre or something and just sit and watch the really old people - the way they struggle to move, how they hang onto things just to hold themselves up, and they struggle concentrate on things.

I tell myself "he's like that now, he couldn't pull it off now even if he did want to". I never reported him, and the guilt knowing he did it again to other girls, and I could've stopped him, can be overwhelming. Seeing with my own eyes that a man that age is physically beyond doing what he did helps. He can't hurt anyone else now...he can barely walk, so how could he?

If you have a good relationship with her, share with her how concerned you are. Mothers would lie down in traffic to keep their kids safe.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top