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Flashback At A Bad Time

Discussion in 'Dissociation, Depersonalization & Derealization' started by cdunny, Oct 12, 2006.

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  1. cdunny

    cdunny Active Member

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    So anyways. Had a flashback. Not really a visual one. More an emotional one. If you know what I mean. While the hubby and I were... you know.
    Anyways, I was all of the sudden in the horrible state of mind I was 2 years ago when my trauma happened. I started crying... though he didnt see me. Now Im just feeling very unloved and used. I feel violated and scared. It sucks cause I love my husband and he doesnt make me feel that way, but the feelings are being directed at him and our physical relationship. This hasnt happened in quite a while. A funny feeling here and there or a brief visual flashback sometimes. But this whole state of mind going back and staying back is crazy. Its been 20 min and I still dont want to go to bed. I took an Adavan, but I still cant sleep, especially next to him and its not fare. its not his fault. I did tell him about my attack, briefly a couple weeks ago the night I went to the hospital. He was supportive, but it was very vague and in the midst of uncontrollable crying. Anyway. This just sucks. Im pissed off about this. He must be dying. Just now coming to my senses. He must think hes done something awful. I wouldnt look at him or talk to him right after and now he hears me in here typing away at whoever. He must feel awful bad. I better go talk to him. Before he thinks something horrible. Later guys.
     
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  3. wildfirewildone

    wildfirewildone Well-Known Member

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    Emotional Flashback

    I know its hard to experience flashbacks no matter what kind.:poke: There are times when the emotions from the trauma will manifest themselves...It's happened to me....really scary!!!:eek: It seems to me that the body remembers and throws out parts of the trauma...Yes it wasn't an opportune time for the emotional memory to come back...that's for sure...IMHO it's best to just let your hubby know what's going on with you..which I hope you are doing now!!!:thumbs-up I consider it "normal" that just the emotional part of your trauma came back...unfortunately we don't seem to pick out those times!!!:frown: I hope you get to process the emotions in a safe effective way....I believe that sharing with your husband is the best route and IMO you understand that.....KEEPING THE PEACE
     
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  4. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    oh, cd, been there. i try to ignore things, but once i had to go throw up. i always shake and cry--even though i decide i'm not going to next time. it'll get better some day, hang in there.
     
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  5. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    CD, hang in there. It will get better. In the mean time if it is something that happens often I would talk to hubs so you are not going back through the trauma right now. That was one I had hubs in with the doc on me on, hard to figure out how to explain it on my own. I did not know that what I had gone through with hubs was considered a flashback until I talked to my doc about it. He told me what it was. It was unpleasant to say the very least and I am sure my hubs wasn't tickled either. So we avoided that aspect of our life for me to deal with my issues. I was very surprised when I was able to be with him the first time. Though the meds kinda kill any drive to do that so it isn't like we get a chance to test it...
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    CD, I think you just did an exceptional job at analysing the facts, looking at the problem, and you just partially resolved it by going to talk with your husband about what your feeling. Well done and huge pats on the back for your efforts.

    Now your thinking, "ha, partially?" Well, I say partially because the rest resides within your trauma. Whilst your trauma exists as fear, and not as a bad memory only, this will happen. How often... well, that depends on when your actively dealing with your past really, ie. if your actively poking away at your trauma, chances are it is going to happen, opposed to if your not poking it, it would happen less, though still happen because of the brains interpretation of the fear from your trauma.

    Sucks either way, but your certainly taking the best steps presently by talking with him about it. I honestly can't give you enough congratulations for that, because with PTSD in check, talking about our trauma's to loved one's is difficult at the best of times.

    I agree though, it will get better the more you work on your trauma, which means working on your fears. Your brain will not flashback something it does not fear, because if there is nothing to be provoked, it cannot be triggered; instead will only have bad memories of the incident.
     
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  7. pookiespooka

    pookiespooka Member

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    Oh that sounds awful. It sounds like your doing a good job of dealing with it though.
     
  8. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hurting

    I don't know whether to post this here, start a new thread or what the heck to do. Forgive me cdunny if I foul anything up here on this thread. My mind is really troubled right now. Was going about my daily chores and I just can't yet get beyond what I'm exper. I won't go so far as to say they're flashbacks. What I do know is that it's sensations in specific parts of my body, throat, diaphram, & private. And it's (I'll call it imagery), as I must be imagining this sh#*, but though it's fragmented it's pretty dam clear imagery. I'm not saying a word more on that. My hearts pounding, hands feel shaky so I'm going to soon attempt to pretend it doesn't exist, get busy cleaning, putting things away, ect. This is a very bad time to be exper. this as I'm working on some other trauma. In addition, last night, it turns out the movie husband rented had the horrific potential to trigger related trauma. Maybe, watched 1st, 15min., maybe before knew I should absol. not watch anymore. Couldn't get away from the volume from tv quick enough. Can't really go into details, for fears that it pinpoints the vicinty of where I live. And, I don't want this info. out there. Must say something on this as I'm all alone with it and it's overwhelm. and creepy. It's an absolute fact the movie was filmed in exact loc., details incl. where I exper. immense anxiety and emot. pain and simply could not process (at age 13)while knowing & observ. my sister's trauma(s). Again please forgive me and excuse me while I go intent. make myself vomit. Truth be known, I'm really not crazy, though I'm afraid if I post this you'all think I am. What do I have to lose? It's certain to be the rest of my morning, if I refuse to be EXTREMELY VULNERABLE RIGHT NOW.:rofl: Is this smiley vomiting right now? Or, laughing hysterically in fits of terror?
     
  9. Boo-Damphir

    Boo-Damphir Active Member

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    Goingonhope, I see it's been about 4 hours since your post. Are you doing a little better now? It really sucks when no matter how hard you try to control your re-exposure to triggers, that other things seem to come in (like the movie and its' memories) and join the "party."
    It's one of those crazy things in life that will happen over and over. You are safe in your own home, the physical feelings you experienced sounds like a flashback. You are alive! All that adds up to a huge success! You made it through one quagmire. Will the next one be eaiser? Probably not, but I have a feeling you will catch your breath and tackle it anyway. What you do have for the next time is experience. You know more about yourself - that's perfect :clap:
    ~Boo
     
  10. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Boo-Damphir, Hey thank you

    You know I think you might be right those sensations were flashbacks and what I called imagery was really broken, visual snapshots, of very clear and real memories, but I can't be sure. It's just that I was so surprised and disturbed by it because it wasn't reflective of the stuck trauma's circling around in my head all these years and provoking all sorts of PTSD symptoms. It was something partially new. Something I've never consciously resented, because I have only partial related memory of it. Still unbelievable to me. I had written these flashbacks down, just in case there was something to it, because it was so disruptive, but then I shredded it by accident. Naturally I remember, but don't want to. I am feeling better Boo. Was able to not vomit and instead climbed under the covers, held a stuffed toy, shivered from the cold and fell partially asleep. Thinking rather poorly of myself still after this. Trying not to conclude that I'm mental, and that it's just the way it is and everyone must think it. But, I have lost some esteem. I simply just can't find any of it believable and fear that I'm losing my mind. Have caught my breath, but don't comprehend how the above is a success. Do feel like the trauma work I'm doing, and last nights refusal to continue watching that movie is leading to success, but certainly not the flashbacks. Do appreciate your response, it is very comforting at this difficult time.
     
  11. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Hope, these are the kinds of flashbacks I always get. Usually it's just a feeling or emotional overload. Sometimes I get a quick flash of a disturbing image that I can not even define, and WHAM, trigger city. YOU ARE NOT NUTS. I go through this everyday. They can be very disconcerting when you are not used to them. Your trauma work must be kicking in! Remember to take care of yourself and validate your feelings and experince.

    Bec
     
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  12. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    becvan

    Hey bec, :thumbs-up THX...It really is comforting to know that someone understands exactly what I'm saying. Quick flashes of some very disturbing images, oh yes'. My PTSD use to manifest itself 100% daily with no controls...No help in sight. Much time has passed with PTSD symptoms shifting or something. Manif. differently. I seemingly have had more control, an improv. of sorts over some yrs. Perhaps dissociation, I'm not sure. Not suggesting I was w/o flashbacks & PTSD symptoms. Definately got hit again & again, but it was as if it never happened the following day, when I'd suit up and show up. So Bec, you're right, I'm not use to these. (or of staying aware of my flashbacks). THX so much for your reassurance.

    Can you or anyone else tell me in few specific words what it is that causes someone to suffer short-term memory loss relating to PTSD sympt. (ex: flashbacks, fit of anger, mean streak when triggers come one after another, sky-high anxiety, awful feelings of helpless/hopelessness) ect. while much long-term memory remains? Prior to finding hope again and to doing my trauma work, I now recall my husb. often very angry and frust. with me at times claiming I had a short-term mem. prob. and in my belief he was always the cause of the sudden uproar. Apoligize if I'm not making sense...but if anyone knows what I'm talking about, or if it is dissociation please do tell. THX again Bec.
     
  13. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    In a few words! It is your anxiety and fears clouding your memory to remember lesser significant events.
     
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