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Floating Between Acceptance And Denial

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Llith

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Wow. That title was way more dramatic than intended. But it is kind of what I am thinking right now.

I feel fluctuating between everything being awful, and wallowing in my life story and panic attacks and drama and god I think I sicken myself sometimes with how annoying I sound even to myself.

And then I have days like today, where life wasn't fun, and blah blah blah but I still have a family, and my sister isn't dead yet, and the world hasn't ended. And I start wondering if I have issues at all or if I am just some self indulgent child hoping that everyone will pity what I have been through.

I am meant to go to therapy tomorrow, and be ready to discuss about everything, and be told it was awful, and you know. I am not sure I am up for that right now. I just wanna quit all this self help stuff and continue life as though I don't need it.

I am not entirely sure if I should have made this a thread, or just put it in my diary. Guess I am just looking for encouragement that I shouldn't just quit. But how do you know that if you know nothing about me... --> circles.

Apologies for the world salad of sorts, I hope someone out there gets what I am trying to say.
 
Got it! And I would ask you to not quit. You said you would be going to therapy to talk "about all of it".
In baby steps I hope.
Is this a new T or one you have been working with for awhile?
Won't go on with my own blah blah blah, until I am more clear about where you are.
And yes we do get tired. Tired of all of it. Do you feel you are stuck? Or are you just getting started?
What things do you do for self care?
Questions, if I am being intrusive, just ignore the questions.
Either way you are not alone in what you are feeling. Glad you shared.
And "drama" , we do lots of that here. That's why sharing is so important. Others can help us get grounded and help us understand what is going on.
Its ok to be tired. But things will keep coming up until you become willing to work on it.
We can't put the toothpaste back in the tube!
Glad you shared and I really do understand!
 
Got it! And I would ask you to not quit. You said you would be going to therapy to talk "about all of it"...

Thanks for the response!

Context: CPTSD: Child abuse (emotional, physical, neglect), 3 separate sexual assaults from 17-20. One being a year of emotional abuse with some physical as well.

I have been doing therapy on and off since I was 10. It just feels like an endless slog I have been doing most of my life. I thought after my previous set of therapy that was me done, I was all sorted. And then I get assaulted for the 3rd time. Go back to therapy, and she points out other unresolved issues and now I just feel like I have gone backwards.

I think my mind just doesn't want to deal with it all. It wants to go away and tell me the world is fine and don't think about it. Sadly now I can think about it I think about it all the time... Hense the drama feeling. Sometimes I just get fed up and want to quit, pretend I am fine and get on with life.

I try to find things I like still doing. Calling family when I get down. Just as a distraction mind you as they would never admit to having done anything wrong. They don't know about anything that has happened in my life really, but they can distract me. Other than that I am drinking way too much lol and chain smoking to an early grave *sighs*.

I can't continue like this, but part of me wants to say it is fine and allow it.
 
Do you have PTSD and a therapist to do EMDR? If so go and try it out, if you don't like it you can...

I have heard alot about EMDR, It may be worth giving it a go, my therapist at the moment doesn't do much of anything. Just chatting and working through issues. After a while it just feels like circles though. I may see if I can find anyone in the area who does it!
 
I feel very similar to your OP right now. I'm not quite sure if I have accepted my stuff and gotten to the point where I'm as good as I'm going to get or if I'm in denial and don't want to face it and pretend that I'm ok. After going through a screening last month I was re-diagnosed with ptsd so I know that it's there and I can see different signs and symptoms in my life. But it makes me wonder though because am I just trying to suppress and stuff for my family so I'm still productive for the most part because they need me to be productive and "ok".
 
Personally I prefer "sliding scale"... cuz how far I'll slide usually depends on whether I'm in acceptance or denial. It really doesn't take all that much to keep your head in the game and manage though once it's a habit and/or behavior. It's not consistent, but it's better at any rate.
 
I really relate to what you shared. "Slog" describes it perfectly. There's so much to be worked through - and it's a process. A long one, but it's part of the larger process of life. New ways of thinking, relating, and healing are constantly unfolding, even if it's not immediately apparent. It is courageous to continue to return to genuineness in the face of struggle, especially if that struggle feels like a slog. I relate to what you said about fluctuating between thinking how horrible things are, and having feelings of self-indulgence, or feeling dramatic. For me, these are both rooted in rumination - feeling helpless, and then feeling ashamed. "Drama" is an expression of pain. Your feelings are valid - you are hurting, and when it feels as if it will never let up, panic would naturally arise.

I've found it helpful to be self-reflective and mindful of these feelings states, while accepting that they are both woven into the complexity of my experience. Validating and allowing space for all my feelings softens those rigid thoughts such as "I'm self-indulgent. Why can't I just get on with my life?" (for me, these thoughts stem from my dad saying, "stop feeling sorry for yourself. It's all in your head"), or "Everything is terrible and ruined, and I can't get through this. What's the point of even trying?". Notice those judgments, and when you feel you have the energy, challenge them. When you don't have the energy, it's okay. Resting isn't quitting, resting is necessary.
 
Yeah, endless slog, blah. Will there ever be a time where it does not continually revolve and revolve? Is there ever a time in the life of a PTSD patient when he or she will not have to worry about having PTSD? Where it sort of just blends in with regular life?

Because I have fought this crap for over eight years now and I am soooooo sick of it. I hate these triggers, I get horrible horrible reactions to each and every one of them and it exhausts me so much.

And when can I know which triggers really do apply to reality or if it is just a trigger that sets me off? Why does it set me off even WHEN I am able to protect myself? Why then does it still feel so painful?

Endless slog, endless slog, gonna write a song about that some day.....
 
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