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Relationship Found Out My Boyfriend With Ptsd Is On A Dating Site..

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I've been reading through the forums on this site and they've been great at helping me understanding what my boyfriend is going through. I met him through an online dating site 8 months ago and for 2 months we really clicked and had a fantastic time. We were both looking forward to building a relationship together. Then at Christmas time we were attending a family wedding and his mother tragically died. It was a devastating time as his father had already passed away several years ago. I stayed with him for most of the festive period supporting him and his family, it was tough but he wanted me around and I wanted to be there for him. During this time he was still very affectionate, told me he loved me and was clear about us having a future. After 2 months this changed dramatically, all affection stopped and we saw each other less and less. I started reading about bereavement and put this down to him going through the stages of grief, so I gave home the space I thought he needed and reminded him that I was there for him if he needed me. That's basically how things have been now for the past 4 months, the relationship is on his terms. There's no contact all week and we'll usually meet up once a fortnight.

2 weeks ago we went to a friend's wedding abroad together, it was the first time we'd spent so much time together since the Christmas period. It was awful, he was in bad form the whole time, snapping at me and barely speaking to me at times. I tried to be understanding and not take it personally but I came home feeling that he didn't want to be with me at all.

Last weekend I got a phone call from my friend to tell me she saw him on the same dating website we met on. I was stunned and so shocked, he'd never given me any reason to doubt his behaviour or that he'd break my trust, but he has. I managed to meet with him a few days later and asked him about it. He said he'd been on it for 2-3 months and it was completely innocent, he only used it when he couldn't sleep, which is most nights, and he needs an escape from his thoughts. He said it could be that he's looking for attention of some sort. He understood it was hurtful to me and he apologised for my humiliation from being told by my friend. I asked him to come off it as it wasn't something I felt was appropriate or respectful in a relationship. I'm due to meet up with him this weekend but I know from my friend that he's been back on the site most nights. I don't want my continued understanding to be taken advantage of, I just don't understand how he can look for attention online and yet not contact me all week. I've gone through so much with him in the last few months and none of my needs are being met in the relationship , at times I'm so miserable but I don't want to abandon him when I still care about him. If we meet and he still hasn't removed his profile from the dating site then I know I should put myself first, keep my self respect and walk away but I know I will be devastated to do this.

Sorry for the long post but I haven't talked to anyone about this and I'm really struggling, any advice would be appreciated.
 
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Is he in treatment or getting any support? Even attending a grief support group?

Have you gently but clearly and directly communicated what you need and want in the relationship?

Is this a long distance relationship?

As for his lack of contact with you, it could be related to PTSD, it could related to grief, it could be that he's not interested in the relationship anymore, it could be all of these things or other factors. Only he knows for sure. Have you asked him why you two don't have more contact?

It doesn't seem like you have much of a relationship at all. What pulls you to stay in the relationship instead of move on to someone who is more available?
 
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Thanks for your reply Justmehere.

He doesn't want help or support from professionals he says he knows what they will say, stay away from alcohol and drugs etc. I have suggested it but it's been dismissed.

I honestly haven't brought up any relationship issues in the past few months as I haven't wanted to put any additional pressure on him. Last week I made it clear that the online dating was unacceptable to me, that I'd put up with no affection etc from quite a while but understood that, but wouldn't put up with him staying on the site.

I guess I'm just clinging on to the connection we had for the first few months. He said he still wants me around but understands that it's unfair that it's on his terms but he just has so many days of not being able to be around anyone.
 
I think your first step should be to tell him what you need and want in the relationship. His needs do not invalidate yours. Communication is key. Gentle but clear and direct. I have been in seasons of grieving big losses. In those times I really needed to know, perhaps even more, what others wanted in the relationship with me. It helps me. It helps everyone. Give him the fair shot chance of knowing what you need directly. Right now, he may be picking up on your disappointment and pain, and that might be leading him to pull away more. He may even be thinking you are not that into him or who knows.... you both need to communicate more. It is not disrespectful to his grieving process to tell him you need and want more time and contact with him.

I suggest to most supporters that getting their own support is a really good idea. Everyone needs support in life, and being in a relationship with someone with PTSD has a lot of challenges at times (and a lot of great things too.) It helps if supporters have their own support so they are able to really weather the storms of PTSD symptoms as best they can. I'm concerned that you are staying in the relationship because perhaps you don't feel like you can find anyone better or deserve any better. I could be wrong on that, but I think that getting some kind of therapeutic support for yourself might be a really good idea. This is not because there is something wrong with you, but because you really do deserve better.

I'm concerned that he is possibly using drugs and alcohol to self medicate while seeking no other options to heal, and yet you stay hoping for change. The first two months of any relationship are often really great, and then the initial honeymoon wears of and the reality of what the relationship is going to be.

He did have a big loss, and you are experiencing how he handles major life stressors and losses. Part of what dating is all about is getting to know the other person and seeing how they handle the ups and downs of life. It is inevitable that more loss will happen in life. His way of responding to this loss already shows a lot of red flags. When other losses and stressors happen, as they inevitably will, it is reasonable to expect he will handle them in much the same way he is now.

Moving forward, I don't think it is wise to expect that things will get better. In fact, based on what you have posted here, I think there is reason to believe it will get worse, and for quite some time, long before there is even a chance it could get better. If he did get into treatment, things often get worse for awhile before they get better.

It is rarely a good idea to stay in a relationship on the basis of the hope for change. He is grieving, but he is also not really seeing any need for change in his own actions.

But, that all being said, I think the first step needs to be that you directly communicate to him what you need / want and are feeling about the relationship.
Also, I would be very careful about staying in a relationship based on the hope it will change. You are experiencing right now how
 
Thank you, I appreciate your reply Justmehere.

I think deep down I'm very aware of the points that you have raised, especially waiting in hope that things will change. I'm having a head vs heart struggle as I really do care about him but know that I'm not getting anywhere close to what I need or deserve from the relationship. I am aware of the symptoms of Ptsd from reading online and know it can be a heartbreaking process trying to support someone through it. It's hard for me to consider walking away from someone when they're at such a low point in their life but I know this can't be a reason to stay.
I think your comment "he is not seeing any need for change in his actions" is one I keep going back to and it rings true.

It's tough and I feel for those of you out there who have been coping with this for a lot longer than me.
 
So let me get this straight....

He uses drugs.

He uses alcohol.

He refuses to get help.

AND he is incredibly disrespectful to you.

Not to mention the fact that your needs aren't getting met.

So I ask you why you feel like you don't deserve better? Why are you letting yourself get treated like a doormat?

Honestly, this is how it is unless HE wants to change. (Read: He's not going to change.) Accept it lock, stock, and barrel or get out. Your choice.
 
No, he's not taking drugs and he doesn't drink...this is just what he thinks a counsellor will tell him to stay away from and he already does that so in his mind why get help. I think him signing onto the dating site has been his choice of escape and this has been the most hurtful behaviour.

Thank you for your direct reply itsKismet. Having not talked about this to anyone I'd read advice pages saying to be patient etc but along the way I've lost sight of my own needs and my own happiness (which isn't too high right now!)
 
I asked him to come off it as it wasn't something I felt was appropriate or respectful in a relationship. I'm due to meet up with him this weekend but I know from my friend that he's been back on the site most nights.

Last week I made it clear that the online dating was unacceptable to me, that I'd put up with no affection etc from quite a while but understood that, but wouldn't put up with him staying on the site

That's just crap treatment, it doesn't matter if he has PTSD. Sometimes when sufferers act like jerks, it is because they are jerks with PTSD.
 
I can understand not wanting to walk away from someone who is at a low point.

I think your intentions are good but that by staying with him you are inadvertently helping him stay stuck where he is. You are preventing him from experiencing the full consequences of his refusal to do hard work of recovering from the serious trauma he has been through.

Right now, what he is doing is working just enough for him to not get help.

Frankly, I think you have to let him go, not just for your sake, but his as well.

As long as you stay, you are unintentionally enabling him to stay where he is at. To use the relationship with you as an escape from the pain.

The comment he made about therapist telling him to stay away from drugs an alcohol is weird and a BS excuse. Seriously, it's is not logical to think therapists spend years training to do therapy - only to offer one solution to people: to tell them not to drink or do drugs. It is a weird and not well reasoned excuse.

For his sake, I think you need to find the courage and support and do the hard thing and tell him enough is enough, and walk away. You really deserve so much better, and it helpful for him for you to stay when he shows no desire to change.
 
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I've managed to walk away from the situation. He didn't meet me and blamed his car, he didn't remove his profile from the dating site and he didn't disagree.
In the end I gave as much as I could but with nothing in return it was a one sided battle.

Thank you for your replies and helping me to more clearly see I needed to follow my head rather than my heart.
 
No, he's not taking drugs and he doesn't drink...this is just what he thinks a counselor will tell him to...

Are you sure he doesn't drink when not around you? His behavior looks a lot like an alcoholic in denial. He hasn't hit bottom yet and fears to. He also needs for at least you to believe he is not a secret drunk. You may need to back away enough to let him hit bottom without taking you with him. Then, it may be possible to help him with rehab.

Wouldn't worry too much about his using a dating site sometimes to kill time while he's drunk. It's crappy behavior, but odds are any woman he might meet might spot alcoholism before you might, and will reject him unless she too is a lush.

Just a couple thoughts, having known plenty of alcoholics. Has he ever told you why he doesn't drink? It could be that booze has been a problem in the past. If he's off the wagon, he may dread what could happen if you find out. Alcoholism is much more treatable than PTSD. Take care of yourself first.
 
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