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Freaking Out From Memories I Have Buried... New Friend a Trigger

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by pandora, Oct 2, 2007.

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  1. pandora

    pandora I'm a VIP

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    OK.I have to believe things happen for a reason...........UUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH

    This new person i have just met is an advocate for people living with psychiatric disorders...on a couple of boards ect.

    He also worked in a group home for 13 years.

    So...F**k of course my past still haunts me and it is just something that I have not spoken about yet (my GOD, i hid so much for so long...it feels like an explosion is going off inside my head and my emotions are crazy.)

    I have not gotten to this in my diary yet but after my Dad died and i was raped...I tried to commit suicide....I think i was 16 then. In the time frame of a bout a year, i went in and out of the psych ward....they then put me in a group home with others with psychiatric disorders (OK....I was a kid...I don't know what my diagnosis was, i think depression......pisses me right off that I ended up there and no one was there to help (family) and i think the youth group leaders were really afraid that I was going to kill myself...........I was there 6 weeks (group home) my 17 year old cousin took me in (she was on her own too) There was a 43 year old shizophrenic, a 30 year old schizophrenic, and a 30 year old with depression she did ultimately commit suicide. The other two were grown men. i used to push my dresser against the door at night to sleep. i hate this memory and my new friend is definately a trigger. I am just frustrated today and i just finally don't have a migraine (this one lasted 40 hours) Just having a really bad day and i think i am getting flooded with more memories, i am not sure how else to explain it. I wish i could just let this stuff out of my head for good? One trauma talked about and another pops up...it feels like i am going crazy!
     
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  3. nie

    nie Wishing for wings to fly. Premium Member Donated

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    Pandora,

    I am sorry you are having a rough time. I feel for you with the migraines. I am on day 4 of one :( I hope that yours stays away. I can related to feeling line the traumas just keep coming up. I encourage you to keep working. You are doing a great job.

    nieccole
     
  4. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    Pand, once again, we are in the same boat.

    My psych told me to try this.. and so far it's working so I will share it with you.

    When getting overwhelmed with flashbacks:

    Concentrate on a safe place or thing. Think of it and try to get details. (I've been just focusing on a wolf howling, since I love them. It's been working. All it's doing it breaking my concentration on the flashback. I can't hold the image for more than a second or two, but I just keep going back to it.)

    When getting overwhelmed with an emotion:

    Observe the feeling. IE: anger. Just notice that you feel angry. Then try to notice how it's affecting your body, say like tense shoulders.

    We are NOT supposed, try to figure out why we are angry, how to stop it, what to do about it, etc.. Just observe it.


    I hope that helps some.
    bec
     
    nie likes this.
  5. pandora

    pandora I'm a VIP

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    Thanx Bec and niecolle........well it has been a roller coaster of emotions but I am thinking positively...mayve I just needed to a a cathartic day...now i am watching Dr. Phil man camp....UUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHH more triggers but i think I am watching on purpose....kind of like exposure. My son is gone until 7:30.........I really needed a break today. REALLY can't stop crying though.....days like this suck!!!!!!
     
  6. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Pand,

    I do hope that you feel better soon. Try to keep yourself grounded even when having the flashbacks. Just remember you are in the here and now, and not back then. You are safe.

    Whatever works for you to calm yourself down....Try it, or do it....Just sooth yourself right now. Figure out the flashback later when you are calmer....

    Wen
     
  7. nie

    nie Wishing for wings to fly. Premium Member Donated

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    Pandora,

    I am sending you a hug, if you wish to receive it. I know that days like that can make me feel like I am taking steps backward rather than forward. However, I have found that really it can all be used to work for a more positive outcome. Wishing you strength and comfort.

    Nieccole
     
  8. vst

    vst Active Member

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    Pandora,

    I'm sorry that you are having such a hard time right now. Maybe it's the moon or something because I'm right with you girl. Nightmares, laying awake through the night thinking about how PTSD has affected my life, little cries throughout the day, this week has not been an easy one. Every so often I remember to breathe and get a respite from my overactive chemically unbalanced brain.

    Today on the way home from work I thought, why not try to laugh at the symptoms and remind myself the symptoms will only be this bad for a little while. It seems each time it gets the darkest I have a small improvement. Knowing an improvement is coming gives me hope and if we have hope, we can deal with the symptoms for a little longer.

    Hugs to all of you. I am so glad I found this forum.

    vst:Hug_emoticon:
     
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  9. pandora

    pandora I'm a VIP

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    Thanx everyone.awful day.......just really awful. I am optomistic..I know that this is just a bad day.I am just exhausted.

    also....DDDDUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHH

    I just realized......my medication for my back was changed. I went to a pain control clinic. My meds....oxycontin.he tripled the dose and put me on neurontin for the nerve pain....no wonder i feel like I am all over the place. my back doesn't hurt as bad.....I am not ot the full doses of them yet but I do feel awful. My GOD how do i deal with trauma therapy and this stupid back injury?I am just so very frustrated. i know i have good friends and the forum but I am having quite a bad poor me day. I hid it from my new "boyfriend"...somewhat, i want to be honest but I am so afraid that i will scare him, so I guess i will just vent here and take one day at a time.
     
    fin likes this.
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