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Friendships, Feelings, Healing and Lessons Learned

Discussion in 'Relationships' started by She Cat, Aug 18, 2007.

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  1. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    I am approaching a part in my diary that has me thinking a lot lately.. Friendship, and taking responsibility of my share of it.
    I have been friends for the better part of half of my life with Cindy.....There was a time that I almost threw it away because of anger, resentment,
    lack of understanding, and not learning to agree to disagree.

    I had just had the most awful fight of my life with my daughter. That fight still haunts me today. It has cost me my daughter, and my grandchildren.
    It also almost cost me my friendship too. I was so angry with my daughter, she had backed me into a corner, used everything she could think of, including
    guilt to get me to do something. I balked, it escalated, we fought. Then we fought some more. Each time the words stung even more, on both sides. Then she
    called me something that really triggered me. I won't bring up in this open forum what I said next, but it cost me everything......I have not seen her, nor my grand children.
    in over 4 yrs.

    I needed someone to talk to...Cindy....She would be there for me, through thick and thin....She listened and then told me What I didn't want to hear.
    I was so angry. How could she be so indifferent to my pain. How could she not see that I was suffering. How could she not see?????

    I walked away from the friendship. I told her she wasn't my friend, because she couldn't see my pain....I lost that friendship for almost a yr. it took me time to realize that friendship is a
    two way street. It can't be all one sided. I finally got the courage to call her. We talked about the argument.....I listened....I really listened to what she had to say, and she LISTENED to what
    I had to say. We BOTH had issues concerning my argument with my daughter. I wanted her to take my side, and she wanted me to see her side. I NEEDED her compassion.
    She WANTED me to see her side of things. There are 2 sides to ever conflict, but I really believe that in order to heal something you have once lost, you NEED to look at the others side,
    feel their pain, and put yourself in their shoes before you walk.......I finally saw Cindy's issue, and understood. She FINALLY saw my pain and hurt with my daughter, and understands my pain in all of it.
    We both had to come to terms with taking responsibility for our OWN actions, or LACK of them in our fight.

    What we both learned.......... Is taking responsibility for your own actions and words in a relationship is Paramount. You BOTH also have to show empathy, sympathy, and general care for each other. You can't ignore
    or play down someones feelings just because they don't gel with yours.........Agree to disagree...But acknowledgment of the others feeling HAS to be part of the equation.

    Wendy
     
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  3. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

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    Hi Wendy

    You ought to be proud of yourself for calling Cindy, listening to what she had to say and getting to a point where you both understood each other despite differing views. Well done!

    I truely hope you are able to repair the relationship with your daughter. I have a situation to share and I think what I have to say may give you some food for thought. My intention is not to make you feel bad by what I am about to tell you but perhaps help you.

    I was in a similar situation to you and your daughter but I was the grandchild in the equation. I loved my grandmother dearly and she understood me more than my own mother. There was a family fight and my mum did not speak with my grandmother for something like 5 years. While they were both stubborn and both at fault in different ways I was innocent yet hurt badly from their inability to resolve their issue (I also had 3 or 4 brothers and sisters at this time too who missed out on their grandparents). Precious years were wasted as neither one was 'brave' enough to approach the other to try and work out the situation. Luckily I was at an age where I eventually could go and see my grandmother by myself which I did. It finally brought my family together and just in time as my grandfather passed away not long after.

    Perhaps my few words may throw a different perspective on the situation for you......... I hope so. :dont-know
     
  4. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Nic,

    I think it was the second paragraph of yours that I stated to cry. I still am..Kind of hard to type, read, and wipe my eyes at the same time......

    I tried many times in the first 6 months to undo, make up for, and apologize for my behavior. She never responded. What she said to me was a trigger, a bad one, and what I said to her...No mother should have. I take my responsibility. I could make a hundred excuses for what I said....I was wrong. This isn't the first time she has kept the kids away, but it certainly has been the longest

    My oldest grandson is 16, the other is 14. I too pray that they remember me....i pray that they seek me out, and I can have them in my life. I too have missed so much.

    Thanks Nic for the kind words, and understanding.....


    Wen
     
  5. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Well said Wendy, and congratulations on sorting through an issue within your past. Resolution is a wonderful thing.

    Now to the argument, I have a query. At a rough guess, Cindy told you what you didn't want to hear, yes? She told you the reality of what you said, instead of agreeing with you. Amazing how people always believe they should be agreed with in discussion, without typically taking into account that the other person has a different opinion, and that both opinions must be respected, regardless off the outcome.

    Well done on discovering that Wendy, really well done. Do you believe you could have handled it differently if the same thing where to occur now?
     
  6. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Absolutely Anthony... Cindy and I have some pretty heated discussions of late about her marriage, kids, and my daughter, but in the end we both hear what the other is saying and are both respectful of HOW the other feels. We sometimes have to agree to disagree.

    Although sometimes one or the other does get pissed, but we are both adult to know that everyone has an opinion. We just move forward.

    As far as people understanding that everyone has an opinion...IMO lol!!!! I believe that we are becoming a nation of Narcissistic people, so wrapped up with ourselves that we fail to see the others opinion, We fail to see their hurt and suffering, we fail to see them as an individual with needs and wants too. JMO!!!!

    Thanks,

    Wen
     
  7. Nicolette

    Nicolette ♡ Supporter Admin ♡ Supporter Admin Sponsor $100+

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    Well done Wendy.

    Maybe given time and the great attitude you have you may be able to repair the relationship with your daughter. If she is not open there is nothing you can do other than try. If you have tried and tried then you have done the best you can do. I wish you luck and remember you have already done a great job as you repaired your relationship with Cindy.
     
  8. She Cat

    She Cat I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    Thanks Nic!

    Even though I feel I have done what I could do to try and repair my relationship with my daughter......There is still guilt, the what ifs, regret, and tons of other emotions to deal with.

    Even harder because although I do understand my daughters anger, and her lashing out.....She never says, I'm sorry......Weather I deserve her anger or not isn't the issue......I have feelings too. Yes I hurt hers, and have apologized, and feel horrid that I wasn't able to control my anger and caused her pain, but........

    Maybe someday. I still have hope.

    Wen
     
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