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Frustrated - Evie Retreats

Discussion in 'Supporter Discussion' started by Jim, Jun 21, 2007.

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  1. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    The wife and I are becoming worried for Evie, some hurts/resentments she is having trouble getting past. Won't mention details here, but there are several hurts. Some to do with the forum, some to do with other areas of her life. However. All seem to revolve around my son's death. Have tried to convince her, it is Brian's death that is the real issue here and these other things are unimportant, quite possibly excuses to not deal with the heart of the matter. She agrees for the most part, tries to work on herself. We have discussed it ad nauseum in family therapy. Still. She keeps slipping back into hurt and depression over minor things. Night before last was wretched for her, worst I've seen her in a long time. This morning I encouraged to come on the forum and post in her diary, as it seems to help her. Well. She came on briefly, saw something she didn't like, promptly left the computer and retreated to her bed. She will not get out of bed now. Cries and wants to sleep. Are we perhaps expecting too much in wanting her to get past some of these issues? Most of them have been going on for 2 months, long enough in my opinion. Frustrated and uncertain what to do next.

    Jim.
     
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  3. Claire

    Claire Well-Known Member

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    I was just wondering, how was Evie when you were away? Maybe she just needs a break from the forum? Maybe its all a bit much coming back after a holiday. A tidal wave of trouble and emotion that was there waiting when she got home? too overwhelming and doesn't take much to trigger it again? I dont know Jim, just my opinions. Everyone takes there own time with stuff as you know. Dont forget trust is also a major problem with PTSD. From what I've read maybe Evie feels sort of betrayed, by the person/people on the forum, and maybe by Brian's death. Not necessarily by Brian but by his death? Have you asked her? Sort of betrayed and untrusting of life. It keeps changing for her at the moment with so much going on. It sounds a bit like its all too much and whatever the trigger no matter how small or how big its too much.
     
  4. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    Quite well whilst away Claire. Handled herself exceptionally well in London. Had a very enjoyable time. Suppose that is partly what puzzles me. However. Feeling betrayed, untrusting. Hmm. Can't say I have asked her about that one. It is possible. Definitely she is overwhelmed, no doubt. Needs a break from the forum, no question! Suppose I am expecting too much once again. Only hate to see her suffer. Want to take her pain away, fight her battles for her, and I mustn't do that. Good points made, appreciated.

    Jim.
     
  5. jods

    jods Well-Known Member

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    Hi Jim

    Don't you just wish we had a magic wand to make all the crap go away.
    It's probably the hardest thing for us to do is watch them try to figure out what to do to help them when at times I'm sure they really don't know what is going on inside themselves.
    All I can think of is just to keep the lines of communication open & hopefully when Evie can process her thoughts & feelings in a way that can make sense to her , she will probably let you know. (Did that make sense?)
    I know it hasn't been easy for all of you lately so just remember that you have to look after yourself too. Permission to send you a big hug, Sir!
     
  6. Midnite

    Midnite Well-Known Member

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    I am like that too. That’s why I really enjoy going to new places away from home, places where nobody really know me. So long I am feeling safe and secure in a good environment, I can adapt pretty well. Sort of I can have new space to myself without any old thoughts or worries that used to bug me. There is nothing to remind me of any unhappy moments, a very free mind. I feel safe to be alone during the day but of course I definitely need company sleeping at night in a new place. (This has much to do with my trauma, assaulted while sleeping)

    I am worst when am back to my hometown where my assailant live. And currently, hubby and I live in a foreign country, my choice to live far away from my hometown. Still there were times; I am restless in my own bed or bedroom. Maybe it’s my body memories, reacting to my trauma that I still could not figure out. My solution is to retire in another bedroom, another bed. Sometimes I prefer the lounge; it’s ok as long as I am feeling calm and safe. It’s pretty amazing, that by changing my sleeping location, I immediately calm down and can have a good night sleep.



    Whenever I am overwhelmed, I wanted to shun away from the world. I want to hide and have my time alone. I’ll be easily agitated by little happenings because my cup is already over flowing. I am very sensitive and easily get insulted whether intentionally or none intentionally by others. I need time to free some space before I can function again. I know my own limit, so I’ll tell hubby not to push me or stress me for a while during this period. He will be more supportive and showing his care and concern in gentle ways. You see "gentle way", is much easy to get things through me this way when I am overwhelmed. I can sense things better than listening. It truly did matter how hubby convey simple message to me. The right word and right way, no insult, or sarcasm. With much encouragement, support and care from hubby, I am more willing to work hard to set myself free during a bad period. Most likely the drive to get better for our love ones is the magic behind it.



    Sometimes, carers failed to sense or see that we are trying hard to be a better person, as badly as others want us to be. And often they will tell us to let go or to move on in life. But honestly, I really dislike hearing those statements because I feel hurt that others can’t see my dying effort for improvement to move on. I believed nobody want to stuck with their trauma all the time and be affected by them. I believed we all want to be free; we longed to be free more than others could see. Unfortunately, we need more time than usual people and many time many happenings along the way will only make it harder for us. Yet others lost patience with us because they failed to see that other little happenings too have great impact on us along the way, which make our struggles much difficult than imagine. We did try our best to beat this ptsd but it is not that easy ( I can see that Evie is trying real hard and wanting to get better herself). Sometimes it is very sad that others couldn’t see our effort in fighting our own mind, made us confused as if we are not fighting hard enough, leaving us feeling very frustrated at our self, that’s why we ended up saying bad things about our self, painting our self black, because we started to feel useless and being a burden to the family and that our family do not deserve any shit from our trauma. Then we will start to hate our self more and getting more depressed for being such a failure in life. This make us want to beat our self up for not doing good enough but in fact we have already try our best. Sometimes, we need others support to keep our fighting spirits high and to continue this healing. No doubts we need to be pushed sometime but there are time pushing will only make things worst. It's like trying to fly a kite and keeping it high in the air. You'll need much effort to fly it in the first place, but once it is up there, it is much easier to manage, still you need to know when to let loose or when to pull a little to keep it flying. The wind is the support, with proper support and management we definitely can fly high.
     
  7. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    Yes jods, understood and appreciated. That is precisely what occurred. She was able to confide in us after a few hours. Perhaps yours truly is guilty of being impatient. As the wife would say, can't decide whether to hug or strangle her at times.

    Permission granted. ;-)

    Jim.
     
  8. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    Interesting you mention the lounge Midnite. Evie is often to be found there, in spite of having a perfectly decent bed to retire to. Not that we mind, she may sleep where she wishes. Perhaps it is why she sleeps there as well, for safety purposes. She has never told us.

    Ah. Yes of course, thank you. Needs to be a balance and perhaps I truly am pushing too hard of late. She's not one of my soldiers, that is certain. Do tend to slip into command mode with her.

    Agreed. For that I am proud of her. Much appreciated for your comments Midnite.

    Jim.
     
  9. Kathy

    Kathy I'm a VIP

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    Thank you all for your comments, they are very helpful to us, let me assure you. I did want to clarify, as strict as my husband comes across in his writings, Evie has him tightly wrapped around her little finger, have no doubt. He will do virtually anything for her, to the point where our other children will sometimes get Evie to ask for things that they themselves want! Really she is quite pampered. I see Jim's biggest problem (and mine as well!) that as Jodee remarks, we are longing for a magic wand to take away all her pain. When reality is, it is Evie who needs to work through her own pain and help herself, we can only be there for support and reassurance. And yes she is doing this, and doing it quite well for the most part. The last few days have been very difficult for her. In my opinion her PTSD cup has overflowed due to too much stress, and she simply needs time to get things back into balance. Normally we give her that time, but with the recent tragedy in our family, I believe we now struggle to avoid the tendency to panic when we see her unhappy. Jim won't likely appreciate me saying so, but I know for a fact that he becomes literally frightened when Evie is depressed. If I'm honest so do I. And not without good reason. Evie has been suicidal in the past, made attempts to harm herself and done other foolish things that worry us. Our biggest issue is learning to let go, and believe me that is very difficult considering how deeply we care for her.
     
  10. Maenad

    Maenad Member

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    That so reminds me of something I said to an old boyfriend when he said "let go of the anger". I said "I'd love to! But the anger WON'T LET GO OF ME!"

    Heh. That got his attention. :smoking:

    Annette
     
  11. zoe

    zoe Well-Known Member

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    Jim and Kathy,

    I have ptsd but am also a carer (my husband has some physcial limitations), it is very hard loving someone and yet giving them space to work through there problems. I too want to be able to make all his physical and emotional pain go away. I worry at times that he might take my path and try to do himself in when he gets depressed. But he is not me. I'm trying instead just to make sure that he knows I am there for him and there isn't anything that will happen that will make me dsappear. It is very hard for him to reach out because he somehow feels like less of a man because he is physically weaker and slower but he reaches out in his time - not mine. Sometimes just like me he needs time to process what is happening to him before he can share it. The most difficult thing is giving that time. With ptsd sometimes you don't understand what is going on and you need to process it and find the words before you can share it. I think Evie knows she can come to you whether it's processed or not - it's just, speaking for myself, I prefer to understand before I share it with others. Don't know if that helps.
    Jmp
     
  12. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Midnight-You've put into words how I sometimes feel with my family. Especially when stress levels are high. Thank you...I've not been able to find the words to express these feelings before.

    Jim and Kathy-Reading your words and your frustrations is like a revisit to some of my husband and my more spectacular blow ups in the last 12 months. I think we all want that magic wand that will make it all go away. My husband is like most men and has trouble expressing himself except when emotions run high. Then they're expressed very well. His frustrations, anger, fear, knowing (and not knowing) what to say/when to say it/how to say it, etc. have been revealed in these times. It can be quite an eye opener for the person with PTSD that loved ones are having it tough, too.

    See...sometimes we sufferers can be going through so much that we forget that our loved ones are suffering right along with us. Definately a balancing act for everyone to try and find those golden moments of normalcy, supporting each other and get through the rough times once more in one piece.

    Lisa
     
  13. Jim

    Jim Well-Known Member

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    Problem is, recall her as a toddler and little girl. Can't get the images out of mind, how precious she was - and still is. She looks at me with those sweet eyes and I melt.

    Well. Must thank you for the big hug jods, which I received through Evie this morning. Very nice, much appreciated. :)

    Yes very helpful jmp. Believe you summed it up quite nicely. Evie does need to process, and her old uncle needs to be patient in the meantime.

    Well said Lisa, well said. Definitely a balancing act. Thank you for your words.

    Jim.
     
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