Justmehere
Sponsor
This thread is to vent, process... and also ask for any help in figuring out what to do about a friendship with another PTSD sufferer. (note: this friend is not any member that I know of on this site)
I have a friend who I have known for a number of years. We used to have a two way relationship. Over the past year, it has become very one sided. There was one time over a year ago, where I reached out to her in a bad moment and she said she had too much on her plate to be there for me. I'm glad she told me. Sure it stung, but it helped to know she couldn't be there for me at the time. I reached out to others instead. For a little while, our relationship was still two ways, and she would end up in crisis from time to time, and reach out to me for support or encouragement or a listening ear. Even though she couldn't be there for me, I didn't mind being there for her. She was always thankful, never took me for granted.
Now, if I text or call her about that lighter stuff, she has no response to that. I will though eventually get a text or a call from her in a very anxious state begging for me to call or text her back. I never felt that I HAD to respond right away, and my life and PTSD symptoms make it too hard to be on text 24/7. Sometimes, I responded days later... I felt like I could keep boundaries.
I knew it was one sided, but I thought it would shift back to being 2 sided again soon. I was wrong.
Within the last month, since her last breakup, her texts and one way communications to me have escalated. She is chronically suicidal to the point that I had to call a crisis service to check on her last week. She is resistant to connecting to her therapist or getting more professional or even unprofessional support. She has expressed she wants understanding, listening, and to not be alone.
These are all good things to want.
I want to be there for her, but I don't think I can do this anymore and I feel like the worst friend. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but this has stopped feeling like a friendship. I feel like a dumping ground. Am I? I wake up in the morning almost daily with texts like "can you call me right now? I am having so much panic. I can't take the pain anymore. I can't so this life anymore." from the middle of the night. I am someone who has been there for friends at 3am, when it's a "I'm in the hospital and really scared" kind of thing every now and then. I'm the person who will go to the hospital at 3am and hang out with a scared friend so they don't have to be alone, and I don't mind at all...
But I'm several thousand miles away and I can't be her 3am crisis text or phone support. I can't. I have never been this for her because it's a distant relationship and it's harder for me to do that because of my own attachment issues.
I don't think this pattern for her is new, as she describes that she used to reach out to her ex in extremely panicky or dissociated states, and he would be there no matter the hour... only to abuse her the next day. She told me she stayed with him because no one else was there for her.
I think that now he is gone, it's not so much that things are drastically worse like I used to think, but that she's reaching out to others, and trying to find anyone else to fulfill what he used to be able to do for her.... that's what she says, and that makes me more concerned this isn't just a bad couple of weeks, but a prolonged pattern that isn't going to change in the near future.
It doesn't feel manipulative. She is never like "call me or I am going to call myself..."
I have suggested this site, crisis text services, etc as other options for support... all poo-pooed as "too much to handle." If it's not her thing, that's fine, but I can't do it and I don't know how to tell her.
And I can't do this with her. I could for a short season, but not every day, not every night.
I have tried telling her the times I can talk, and made it clear I can't talk after 11pm... I have my own sleep/PTSD issues at night and I can't do it. I'm useless at 3am. But it continues. The boundary pushing seems more dissociated than willful. Like I don't know if she even remembers at all. By the time I get the text in the morning, and I take the time to respond, she is at work or in class... and she will take 2-3 days to get back to me... unless it's the next round of severe symptoms at 3am that she is texting me about the next night. I don't know if she even remembers the 3am texts or the boundaries that I have set. A year ago, she wasn't as dissociated.
I have been there, in a desperate and suicidal place... I have so been there. I have had everyone safe (and abusive) give up on me. I don't want to abandon our relationship. I have sent a few texts in a dissociated state that I don't remember. I was really glad when the person didn't leave when they asked me about it the next day. I have shut people out.
But this time, I'm the supporter... but I am also a sufferer.
I am also downright mad at her. She is able to do a lot more in her life in work and school than I can do. I am honestly jealous. I know, it makes me an awful person but I am jealous. Things like how she has a family, one that didn't abuse her, and I don't have any family because they were abusive... I am falling into the very dangerous trap of comparing symptoms and comparing lives. I'm being unfair.
I got another set of 3am texts when I woke up this morning and I responded when I woke up at 6am to ask how she was doing.... She expressed suicidal thoughts, there has been no response, and I'm about to call for a damn welfare check again. Only I noticed she has been posting on FB so she's alive...
I feel like all I am is an outlet.
If it was even partially a two way relationship, I would feel better.
I think I need to tell her I need some space for awhile... only, how in the world do I do that? I feel like such a jerk, but my own stuff is triggered and I can't do this anymore. She doesn't need another jerk in her life, and that's what I will be if I stay.
I have a friend who I have known for a number of years. We used to have a two way relationship. Over the past year, it has become very one sided. There was one time over a year ago, where I reached out to her in a bad moment and she said she had too much on her plate to be there for me. I'm glad she told me. Sure it stung, but it helped to know she couldn't be there for me at the time. I reached out to others instead. For a little while, our relationship was still two ways, and she would end up in crisis from time to time, and reach out to me for support or encouragement or a listening ear. Even though she couldn't be there for me, I didn't mind being there for her. She was always thankful, never took me for granted.
Now, if I text or call her about that lighter stuff, she has no response to that. I will though eventually get a text or a call from her in a very anxious state begging for me to call or text her back. I never felt that I HAD to respond right away, and my life and PTSD symptoms make it too hard to be on text 24/7. Sometimes, I responded days later... I felt like I could keep boundaries.
I knew it was one sided, but I thought it would shift back to being 2 sided again soon. I was wrong.
Within the last month, since her last breakup, her texts and one way communications to me have escalated. She is chronically suicidal to the point that I had to call a crisis service to check on her last week. She is resistant to connecting to her therapist or getting more professional or even unprofessional support. She has expressed she wants understanding, listening, and to not be alone.
These are all good things to want.
I want to be there for her, but I don't think I can do this anymore and I feel like the worst friend. I don't want to lose her as a friend, but this has stopped feeling like a friendship. I feel like a dumping ground. Am I? I wake up in the morning almost daily with texts like "can you call me right now? I am having so much panic. I can't take the pain anymore. I can't so this life anymore." from the middle of the night. I am someone who has been there for friends at 3am, when it's a "I'm in the hospital and really scared" kind of thing every now and then. I'm the person who will go to the hospital at 3am and hang out with a scared friend so they don't have to be alone, and I don't mind at all...
But I'm several thousand miles away and I can't be her 3am crisis text or phone support. I can't. I have never been this for her because it's a distant relationship and it's harder for me to do that because of my own attachment issues.
I don't think this pattern for her is new, as she describes that she used to reach out to her ex in extremely panicky or dissociated states, and he would be there no matter the hour... only to abuse her the next day. She told me she stayed with him because no one else was there for her.
I think that now he is gone, it's not so much that things are drastically worse like I used to think, but that she's reaching out to others, and trying to find anyone else to fulfill what he used to be able to do for her.... that's what she says, and that makes me more concerned this isn't just a bad couple of weeks, but a prolonged pattern that isn't going to change in the near future.
It doesn't feel manipulative. She is never like "call me or I am going to call myself..."
I have suggested this site, crisis text services, etc as other options for support... all poo-pooed as "too much to handle." If it's not her thing, that's fine, but I can't do it and I don't know how to tell her.
And I can't do this with her. I could for a short season, but not every day, not every night.
I have tried telling her the times I can talk, and made it clear I can't talk after 11pm... I have my own sleep/PTSD issues at night and I can't do it. I'm useless at 3am. But it continues. The boundary pushing seems more dissociated than willful. Like I don't know if she even remembers at all. By the time I get the text in the morning, and I take the time to respond, she is at work or in class... and she will take 2-3 days to get back to me... unless it's the next round of severe symptoms at 3am that she is texting me about the next night. I don't know if she even remembers the 3am texts or the boundaries that I have set. A year ago, she wasn't as dissociated.
I have been there, in a desperate and suicidal place... I have so been there. I have had everyone safe (and abusive) give up on me. I don't want to abandon our relationship. I have sent a few texts in a dissociated state that I don't remember. I was really glad when the person didn't leave when they asked me about it the next day. I have shut people out.
But this time, I'm the supporter... but I am also a sufferer.
I am also downright mad at her. She is able to do a lot more in her life in work and school than I can do. I am honestly jealous. I know, it makes me an awful person but I am jealous. Things like how she has a family, one that didn't abuse her, and I don't have any family because they were abusive... I am falling into the very dangerous trap of comparing symptoms and comparing lives. I'm being unfair.
I got another set of 3am texts when I woke up this morning and I responded when I woke up at 6am to ask how she was doing.... She expressed suicidal thoughts, there has been no response, and I'm about to call for a damn welfare check again. Only I noticed she has been posting on FB so she's alive...
I feel like all I am is an outlet.
If it was even partially a two way relationship, I would feel better.
I think I need to tell her I need some space for awhile... only, how in the world do I do that? I feel like such a jerk, but my own stuff is triggered and I can't do this anymore. She doesn't need another jerk in her life, and that's what I will be if I stay.