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Sufferer Future Monster-in-law

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well my boyfriends mother knows of my ptsd she understand it and she is pretty sympathetic although she feels that i "rely on him too much" "making him sad" when that is not the case my boyfriends dad committed suicide about 2 years ago and lately he's been thinking about it and has gone into a minor depression so it seems, he reasures me all the time that i do not rely on him at all intact i withhold stressing him out by burdening him with my issues when he is going through such a rough time (I've had therapy and I'm currently recovering so my ptsd isn't exactly in perfect condition for but it is under control) , but his mom doesn't seem to think thats the case she believes my "issues" (is what she calls them) is the cause to his sadness, i want him to come clean and tell her he's been sad about his dad and his future but he doesn't want to be "baby'd" by her, it frustrates me because she disapproves of our relationship so much because of my "issues"(ptsd) and I'm beginning to fear that maybe i am hurting him (although that is not the case) my paranoia tends to get in the way so i can't see things clearly, should i stay with him? is it hurting him too much to be in a relationship with me? am i really that destructive?
Like I have a feeling she's right
 
Decide right now whom it is you're marrying: him or his family.

That answer can be either one... But that's who you owe your loyalty to. If you're marrying him? Forget about his mother. They will have their own relationship, don't get in the middle of it. What you're doing right now is asking him to choose between his mother and you... And that can go very, very badly.

If you're marrying his family, then their opinion of you matters more than his opinion of you, and easing your life with them matters more than how difficult you make his life.

In either case, never come between a man and his mother. Pick a side, his or hers, and stay there. Telling him what to tell her, to make your life with her easier, will backfire. Then you're the meddling bitch from her point of view, and the hand up the sock puppet from his. If you're marrying him? Trust him. Be honest with him, and either let him deal with his own family politics, or ask his advice -and follow it- on how to handle his family politics. (I hate that your mother thinks I'm making you sad and ruining your life. What should I do?). If you're marrying them, their trust in you matters more than breaking trust with your husband. Which means you tell them why he's sad, regardless of what he wants or doesn't want.

If your loyalty is divided? Well. You can't really have divided loyalty. Because then you're betraying everyone. So where does your loyalty lie? Whose opinion of you matters?
 
The thing about this that jumps out at me is the fact that the mother may be doing this as part of her own grieving process (depending on whether she was still with your boyfriend's dad at the time of his suicide). Definitely try not to take it too personally, because it really has nothing to do with you and likely stems from her fear of losing her son in some way. That would be compounded by whatever grief she is feeling over the suicide. People often act in very nasty ways when they are grieving, and although that doesn't excuse her behavior, it does explain why she'd lash out at you. I seriously doubt that you are really making him sad or doing anything wrong -- if that were the case, he always has the option of leaving. So don't beat yourself up over her comments; try to see them for what they are -- grief and fear. Nothing more. Maybe once you start to look at it that way, such comments will be easier to brush off. If it gets really bad, you might consider speaking to her directly, and just being very open and saying, "Look, it really hurts me that you say these things." She might even open up herself then and reveal that her real reasons for saying them are grief or fear, as I said, or part of some compulsive need to control/protect her son. If you do decide to confront the problem, I definitely think it'd be better to talk to her directly than go through your boyfriend.
 
Stay focused on what your boyfriend tells you and encourage him to get help with the depression. Your future mother-in-law needs only needs to know that he is seeking help and if she has concerns she should address them to her son and blaming you is groundless and damaging to all.
 
but his mom doesn't seem to think thats the case she believes my "issues" (is what she calls them) is the cause to his sadness,
How do you know this? Did she tell you? Did he tell you? Are you assuming?
i want him to come clean and tell her he's been sad about his dad and his future but he doesn't want to be "baby'd" by her,
It is a very bad idea to insist your future spouse speak for you against a family member. I think how, or even if you address this with the MIL depends a ton on what the answer is to how you know what she feels about you.
 
she feels that i "rely on him too much" "making him sad"
I think this could be projection of her internal dialogue about her own husband who committed suicide.

i want him to come clean and tell her he's been sad about his dad and his future but he doesn't want to be "baby'd" by her,
That's a lot to put on him right now. Not your PTSD, but trying to get him to tell his mother he is sad about his father's death, which she likely already blames herself for.

I think you need to let him and his mother sort this one out.
 
I hear you say that your boyfriend is sad over thoughts/memories about his late father. I hear you say that he assures you that you are not over burdening him, I mean it sounds like he does not feel your 'issues' are causing his minor depression. I also hear you say that his mother does not approve of your relationship.

From where I am standing it looks like she's meddling. She may not even realize she's doing it. You have PTSD, your boyfriend knows this and does not seem to have a problem with it. You are actively getting help in therapy and gaining control of your symptoms. You and your boyfriend do not seem to have an issue with each other, it seems that his Mom is the one with the issue. As a mother I understand wanting to protect ones own, but telling someone with PTSD that her 'issues' are causing problems for my grown son seems a bit overbearing. He is old enough to discern who and what might be bothering him, and if he says you are not the cause then everyone should respect his words.

What Fridayjones said is very true, and I say this as a married woman myself, you have to choose who you are married/loyal too, him or his family. If it's him, then his Moms opinions are untimately irrelevant. You can consider her feelings and opinions, but what you think about your relationship, and what he thinks about your relationship is what is most important. Place your energy in cultivating your relationship with your boyfriend, and strengthen your bond to him. Keep taking care of yourself as PTSD is a condition that requires so much self care to be contained. How she feels about your relationship with him is not as important as how you two feel about your relationship with each other. You have not control over his Mom, but you can control your reaction to her.

His mother has her own 'issues' to work out.
 
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