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Getting Triggered, Scaring My Kids, How Can I Stop?!

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macca

MyPTSD Pro
What on earth am I doing - I'm getting triggered constantly at the moment, and I'm messing up my kids. I feel like the worst, most miserable piece of worthless crud. How can I do this to my kids? My youngest (13) is inadvertently triggering me, and my husband gets angry and triggers me too. My son is seeing his own psychologist (who is excellent) for social anxiety, OCD and school refusal which originated from a long-term pain problem. The pain problem has eased, but he missed so much school he developed these other things. He also has some behavioural problems, which seem a lot due to me - if he used to be upset, I used to jump in too much and he now expects me to regulate his emotions instead of doing some himself (he is 13). I've realised now that this is due to my fear of him going through what I went through, when even a suicide attempt at 11 years was dismissed by my parents, instead of taking me to hospital, they didn't believe me that I'd tried to overdose. I was also "responsible" for their emotions (each in different ways), so have made myself responsible for his.

So there are difficult times in the house right now. When he is upset he yells and cries etc, I now know he is not depressed (he is always fine when he gets what he wants to settle down, like a small game or something), it's behavioural. I was never fine as a kid, I stayed depressed, he doesn't. When he does this, I get triggered, and punch myself in the head (away from the kids, they don't know). I think it's a combined reason of trying to stop emotional flashbacks, and punishing myself for failing to regulate his emotions, which I cannot do. I'm pretty sure I've given myself concussion. I've been doing it less, I'm trying so hard to stop, so very, very hard, I'll do anything to stop myself. It's so embarrassing telling you all this, I'm so ashamed and pathetic. So today, he started doing this, and I had to tell him that I couldn't stay while he was behaving that way (it was almost impossible not to self-harm), so I explained as best I could that it was not him but the PTSD, and said I'd be back soon. I told my 16 and 18 year old sons briefly also, but I've upset them all terribly. They were very afraid for me, they also felt that the 13 year old was to blame, and meanwhile I was selfishly much better for leaving the house, as I didn't feel I had to punch myself (which I do very hard, and am probably doing damage, I'm pretty sure I've concussed myself before). I rang to tell them I was ok, but they were still afraid.

I've only done the punching thing since I disclosed something very significant to my psychologist, which I had sworn to myself never to tell. I think I was threatened with death if I told, and it's had a horrible effect 40 years later (I was only 3). I know why I do it, (I think anyway), and I've been doing better, but what have I done to my kids? I can't bear that I've upset them so very much. They were so afraid. My Dad used to run out too, and I know how it feels, how could I do this? How do I stop????
 
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This made me feel really sad. I think you need to stop beating yourself up.

It sounds like your youngest is acting that way in order to get what he wants, and guess what he is. In a way it is manipulating you into doing what he wants. He has preyed on your vulnerability which is probably trying to keep him happy no matter the cost to you.

I know why you feel this way being a mum myself and it's hard when you want to give them everything you didn't have whatever that would be.

I think maybe a bit of tough love, instead of giving in just take yourself off to the other room and leave him to it. He is old enough now to understand and will hopefully stop behaving that way, he certainly can't go through life having a hissy if he doesn't get his own way.

This will probably be extremely hard, it certainly has been for me. I'm just talking from my own experience it may help, it may not. Every situation is different.

As for the punching it's a way of hurting yourself, I have pulled my hair in the past due to the feelings. I used the elastic band method.

I hope this helps you even in the tiniest bit, it's a struggle for us all, we seem to look at things like it's our fault. Sometimes it is but a lot of the time it's not. Please stop blaming yourself. Xx
 
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My Dad used to run out too, and I know how it feels, how could I do this?
I don't think that is what you did though, not from what I just read at least. You explained to them you were going and why you needed to, and you told them you were coming back, and you did. I actually think what you did was the 'right' thing to do in the situation.

They may have been upset by and a bit scared, but that is probably because it was the first time you've done it (?) and they were unsure about what was going to happen. Where you go from here, or where I would go from here, is to sit down together at a time when you are calm and explain to them that there may be times when you need to take time out from a situation again, that you will tell them that that is what you are doing, that you will always come back, that it's not their fault but it is something you need to do and thank them for supporting you to do that.

I really don't think you did anything wrong @macca - it sounds like you handled the situation well.

As for your sons behavioural problems - well it sounds like you're making steps towards sorting that too.
 
I am so sorry for posting the above - I was very emotional and now I have calmed down a bit I regret possibly upsetting any of you, who all have your own stuff to deal with without me putting all that out there. I'm very humble and embarrassed about the whole thing. I want to be a better mother. I feel like a basket case.

I do struggle with the tough love, it's so hard for me to separate what's going on for him to what went on for me. My family treated me like a drama queen for much less, and I think that I fear ignoring his behaviour for that reason, as I really was in distress - there's the nagging doubt - what if he is also? Though his psychologist assures me that he isn't, and the evidence says that he isn't. I am doing better at not running to him, which has resulted in him escalating to get my attention. His psychologist assures me it will phase out soon, as he learns to regulate himself, and learns to accept the boundaries.
 
You did a great job sharing here and that is what the site is for. There is nothing to be sorry for. People can choose to read and answer or not so there is no need to worry about us at all.

If I had had children there is no doubt in my mind that I would have tended to step in too quickly and take too much responsibility for their emotions. It sounds like you were trained to feel responsible for others emotions and are busy trying to break that down now.

I have made a lot of progress in this department and it has made the world of difference to me and my relationships.

Removing yourself doesn't sound like a bad idea to me. He is used to get too much attention and not getting attention might be the best solution. As digger said your children just need to understand what is happening and that you are safe when you do this. Maybe you can have a code word to let them know that you are OK? You could set up a clear idea of what will happen in response to certain behaviour. That way they know what to expect.

Could you do affirmations about how your children have their own feelings? I remind myself constantly that I can't mindread. Even though I am actually very skilled at it! ;)

How assertive are you in general? There are specific assertiveness courses one can do. It took masses of therapy for me but there are quicker ways.

Can you do harm reduction like miss cptsd mentioned? What can you plan to do that will cause less harm if you self harm again?

Really sorry you in such pain with this. Remember always that this isn't your fault and is the fault of however harmed you.
 
@macca - I completely understand the guilt and self anger when the PTSD affects your parenting. You did exactly what you should have done, though! You got out of the house for a few minutes - and there are plenty of "normal" people who need to leave the house to avoid doing something far worse. There are plenty of others who should have left the house before doing something worse and didn't. It sounds like you are being compassionate and are communicating which is far more important.
 
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