What on earth am I doing - I'm getting triggered constantly at the moment, and I'm messing up my kids. I feel like the worst, most miserable piece of worthless crud. How can I do this to my kids? My youngest (13) is inadvertently triggering me, and my husband gets angry and triggers me too. My son is seeing his own psychologist (who is excellent) for social anxiety, OCD and school refusal which originated from a long-term pain problem. The pain problem has eased, but he missed so much school he developed these other things. He also has some behavioural problems, which seem a lot due to me - if he used to be upset, I used to jump in too much and he now expects me to regulate his emotions instead of doing some himself (he is 13). I've realised now that this is due to my fear of him going through what I went through, when even a suicide attempt at 11 years was dismissed by my parents, instead of taking me to hospital, they didn't believe me that I'd tried to overdose. I was also "responsible" for their emotions (each in different ways), so have made myself responsible for his.
So there are difficult times in the house right now. When he is upset he yells and cries etc, I now know he is not depressed (he is always fine when he gets what he wants to settle down, like a small game or something), it's behavioural. I was never fine as a kid, I stayed depressed, he doesn't. When he does this, I get triggered, and punch myself in the head (away from the kids, they don't know). I think it's a combined reason of trying to stop emotional flashbacks, and punishing myself for failing to regulate his emotions, which I cannot do. I'm pretty sure I've given myself concussion. I've been doing it less, I'm trying so hard to stop, so very, very hard, I'll do anything to stop myself. It's so embarrassing telling you all this, I'm so ashamed and pathetic. So today, he started doing this, and I had to tell him that I couldn't stay while he was behaving that way (it was almost impossible not to self-harm), so I explained as best I could that it was not him but the PTSD, and said I'd be back soon. I told my 16 and 18 year old sons briefly also, but I've upset them all terribly. They were very afraid for me, they also felt that the 13 year old was to blame, and meanwhile I was selfishly much better for leaving the house, as I didn't feel I had to punch myself (which I do very hard, and am probably doing damage, I'm pretty sure I've concussed myself before). I rang to tell them I was ok, but they were still afraid.
I've only done the punching thing since I disclosed something very significant to my psychologist, which I had sworn to myself never to tell. I think I was threatened with death if I told, and it's had a horrible effect 40 years later (I was only 3). I know why I do it, (I think anyway), and I've been doing better, but what have I done to my kids? I can't bear that I've upset them so very much. They were so afraid. My Dad used to run out too, and I know how it feels, how could I do this? How do I stop????
So there are difficult times in the house right now. When he is upset he yells and cries etc, I now know he is not depressed (he is always fine when he gets what he wants to settle down, like a small game or something), it's behavioural. I was never fine as a kid, I stayed depressed, he doesn't. When he does this, I get triggered, and punch myself in the head (away from the kids, they don't know). I think it's a combined reason of trying to stop emotional flashbacks, and punishing myself for failing to regulate his emotions, which I cannot do. I'm pretty sure I've given myself concussion. I've been doing it less, I'm trying so hard to stop, so very, very hard, I'll do anything to stop myself. It's so embarrassing telling you all this, I'm so ashamed and pathetic. So today, he started doing this, and I had to tell him that I couldn't stay while he was behaving that way (it was almost impossible not to self-harm), so I explained as best I could that it was not him but the PTSD, and said I'd be back soon. I told my 16 and 18 year old sons briefly also, but I've upset them all terribly. They were very afraid for me, they also felt that the 13 year old was to blame, and meanwhile I was selfishly much better for leaving the house, as I didn't feel I had to punch myself (which I do very hard, and am probably doing damage, I'm pretty sure I've concussed myself before). I rang to tell them I was ok, but they were still afraid.
I've only done the punching thing since I disclosed something very significant to my psychologist, which I had sworn to myself never to tell. I think I was threatened with death if I told, and it's had a horrible effect 40 years later (I was only 3). I know why I do it, (I think anyway), and I've been doing better, but what have I done to my kids? I can't bear that I've upset them so very much. They were so afraid. My Dad used to run out too, and I know how it feels, how could I do this? How do I stop????