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Give him a chance?

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NewBeginnings

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A common thread during therapy sessions is ongoing stressful situations and how I manage. I tend to do a lot around my house and with our family upkeep. My therapist keeps referring to my doing everything which I challenge. Anyway also work full time. My T references that “we” are not living in the 50’s and that in the 70’s woman worked hard to change the thinking that women do it all. She encourages me to communicate with my husband that he needs to contribute. I have a long list (like santa’s endless list) of why he isn’t able to make dinner or pick up after himself or not do something else. We discuss my feeling guilty for not being super woman. Anyway i asked if I really sounds like i could be living in the 50’s and her response was yes - without a doubt.

My T says it is not fair of me to not give him a chance to change? She says I can’t change people but he has no chance if i don’t tell him and give him an opportunity to change.

So i did an incredibly bold move and asked him to make dinner yesterday(his day off). He said no because he had errands to run. At the end of the day- i asked him what he did and he said “goofed off”. When i got home - he decided to go “do errands” and I made dinner. I have 3 kids and not making dinner results in no dinner being made so it is not an option.

To my point - I don’t want to be disappointed. If I didn’t ask I wouldn’t be disappointed by the answer. I am annoyed that I believed that asking would encourage a different response. I thought I was clear and simple about my request and it ended in my being disappointed that i thought it would be different. Frustrated!! What is the point? Should I have done it differently?
 
She says I can’t change people but he has no chance if i don’t tell him and give him an opportunity to change.
I agree. 100%. It is your right and your responsibility to communicate clearly what your needs are.
He said no because he had errands to run.
Hearing the truth, right from the horses mouth is a tough thing. It means you have to face what is actually happening in your household. So I guess the next step is - do you actually want to know if he is maybe taking advantage of your energy stores so that he can 'goof off'?

Mindfulness can mean seeing your situation for what it is and deciding whether that is good for you or not. IMO anything else seems like living in a delusion. Myself, I would keep on him. Let him show his true self to you. Stop protecting him (and yourself) as to the truth of your (and your children's) situation.
 
He's not going to know how you feel if you don't tell him. Asking him to cook dinner shouldn't be a problem. Maybe tell him why you NEED him to cook a meal or do a couple loads of laundry.

It sounds like you've been doing everything for so long he's become accustomed to not having to do anything.

Be honest with him. Let him know you CAN'T / WON'T do everything anymore. He has to pull his weight. If he continues not helping he has shown his true colors.

You're partners right? Partners work together.
 
Does your husband work?
I agree with @leehalf that instead of asking I would try telling him.
If the “you ask him and he does nothing “
situation has played out before, he’s learned that it works.
He might need some training and checking in. If you ask him to make dinner, either leave the ingredients for him with a recipe or the phone number for the take out of his choice. Then call him a few hours before you come home and tell him how great it is that he’s doing dinner and how much you appreciate it. Validation works wonders.
 
Hearing the truth, right from the horses mouth is a tough thing. It means you have to face what is actually happening in your household
I am really surprised by so many replies. I thought my T suggestions to me and observations were way off but thought it was worth a shot and then I realized how disappointed I was at the outcome.

You're partners right? Partners work together.

We are partners and I guess i have not understood what that meant. I believe(d) that I needed to do for him so he would love me -
I have a lot to think about (Ughhh sounds) like my T is in my head)

Does your husband work?
He does work - we both do - full time but He leaves early in the day and do the morning with the kids

Then call him a few hours before you come home and tell him how great it is that he’s doing dinner and how much you appreciate it. Validation works wonders.
I can try this - i have tried this with other things and it hasn’t made a difference but maybe in a shorter period of time it would. I have to be ready because this makes me feel really vulnerable and as well as reminding me I should be doing more which becomes a perpetual cycle of frustration.

@EveHarrington - I have a long way to go... I am coming to terms with recognizing that how i have been handling this has not been helpful for me. Jumping to going out and getting my husband nothing on purpose would be huge!
 
For 35 years I've done it all. Raising kids, working a full time salary job at 60 plus hours a week, doing laundry, cooking dinner, paying bills, grocery shopping, etc. I have been super women for so long that it just has become my norm.

My T said the same thing. I did the same thing you did and got more or less the same response. But I finally said "I really NEED you to help And I don't care which job you choose" H chose laundry. He's done it for about 3 months now and I always praise him for doing it. One day I was being nice a did the laundry on my day off and it upset him (lol).

After a few months, I told him I needed him to cook dinner and I didn't care if it was hot dogs, or fish sticks and tater tots but I would really appreciate it if he would . .
I really needed him to do this. He did and tonight I came home to a fully cooked dinner without asking.

I've learned it's how you ask. I made him like this. I did everything and I taught him that I would always get done what needs to get done. So he's not all to blame. He will get there, it takes time. Dont get to frustrated . . . Old habits are hard to break!
 
He’s not all to blame. He will get there...
Oh - so true - I am very aware that I have allowed and enabled this patterned. I have recreated my past experiences and I become so fearful to express my opinion let alone advocate for my needs. It is a process that i am struggling with. Encouraging to hear your success. Thank you

He does work - we both do - full time but He leaves early in the day and do the morning with the kids
Correction:

He does work- we both do - full time but he leaves early in the day and i do the morning breakfast and lunch with kids. My job is very demanding and i often get home a few hours after my husband so I start dinner late.
 
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I'm with you sister! I am a people pleaser by nature. I'm a giver and have always been the peacemaker. I was like this before I married my husband. Call it my upbringing, personality or whatever. I too struggles with either asking for help or expressing my needs. Just to get up the courage to ask my husband for one of my needs to be met was literally horrifying lol. I was afraid he would not understand, would make him angry or whatever. After 2 weeks I went back to my T and he asked me how it went. I just laughed and told him I was chicken shit and didn't ask. I was afraid of his reaction. With living and loving someone with PTSD we fear their reaction all the time. Afraid of what lurks behind the mood.

So he gave me a way of asking without making me feel awkward or uncomfortable. He told me to just tell him one thing I specifically needed and then respond with, you don't have to do it . . . And im not forcing you to do it I'm just letting you know what I need.

That wad easier for me and he more or less just rolled his eyes but I didn't react like I was hurt, disappointed or any negative reaction on my part and left it up to him. But even with the deep sigh and eye rolling, a few days later he did it.

It's uncomfortable and I'm still not gully there yet. I face him confidently but deep down inside it's hard and not natural for me to ask for what I need. It's baby steps but it's getting better with time. If I can do this, you can.

Don't get discouraged if he doesn't react right away. Just keep moving forward with complete confidence and you'll get there.
 
I'm with you sister! I am a people pleaser by nature. I'm a giver and have always been the...
I think I need to print out your response and reminding myself it is possible to state what my needs are- in some ways this is so simple and yet also seems incredibly agonizing to follow through with - ahha moment ... this is such a bigger issue for me than i ever considered.
 
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