A
Adon
I don’t think my SO can be intimate the way I need him to. So I’m thinking about just going back to having sex with him just on like a biological level. Since we are married and have kids, might as well make the best of it. I’m waiting for him to have empathy and he can’t (yet?). Whatever. The point is that I know that by my having sex with him in this way there’s an element of self-denial. Like I realize that I wish i had a partner who could temporarily put their needs aside for my sake, but I don’t think i will get it. He likes having sex. It feels good if I allow myself to let go. But that’s the thing, i cant dissociate in sex anymore. And I did it for so long. That’s why I’m afraid to have sex with him. Because I don’t know how to be present to someone I dissociated with for so many years. And now I realize that i was dissociating to protect myself. So that’s really weird. Maybe it wasn’t to protect myself, maybe it was so that i could be in control, by separating myself. We could do couples counseling. But I feel frozen. I’m scared of him and his penis. That’s stupid! There’s nothing to be scared of! You’re confusing him and your dad! Am i? Ugh. Too many penises waiting in my face. Wait, what?! The point is, I. Can’t. Face. Him. I want to have sex, just to have sex, just to make it better! And keep having sex, forever, and then we will be okay, Why is that so hard for me to understand?!