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Going no contact with a family member that is a narcissist

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@She Cat I will tell you if I get a clue about how to get people out of me head. At this point, it is far easier to walk away from my daughter. But the grandkids have been such a huge part of my life for almost eighteen years and they have done nothing wrong. So today, I am going to write some more letters that I do not intend to send. They are in my heart and I will never forget what my daughter has done to all of us.

I am grieving today again, and it sucks big time. I hate it but it goes with the situation that is going on right now. I will probably feel better after writing the letters because I have found it is a good way to connect with the kids and I am doing something proactive that has a goal to it as well.

It is so grey today and I have Seasonal Affective Disorder and that really gets me down so much. I have lights on that do help and I have to take some vitamin D today to help boost my body being so depressed.

It is quiet and peaceful and although I realize that my daughter is up to no good, for now she has chosen to leave me alone and stay away from me so I can also experience some more healing from the last encounter which took so much out of me. My guard is up now all of the time, and although I do not live thinking about another ambush from her all of the time, it is there in the back of my head. I am finally paying attention.

Pretty soon the kids will be back in school again. That will really help them so much to get out of the home again to be with their friends. My grandson has a girlfriend that he gets to be with at school all of the time and it really makes him happy, and the youngest granddaughter is popular and has a lot of friends and is always busy with them.

I got really tempted to text my grandson yesterday, from missing him and worrying about him, but I resisted the urge. This is the absolute hardest thing I have ever had to choose in my life and I am one that has made so many hard choices. Funny thing it seems to be harder as I get older or it is just this very bad situation that makes it so tough.

Trying not to dwell on this, yet sometimes it is harder than other times. I battle the depression over losing them in my life. Even though with my head I realize that is not written in cement how things will go in the future later on, I struggle with the day to day grieving process. I know that I am not alone and there are so many good people going through similar situations with their own kids due to a sadistic Narcissist. I remembered yesterday that my daughter was diagnosed with borderline disorder a couple of years ago and maybe it is her age, but she has really lost it at this point and I do not deal with borderline people very well at all. I never knew much about the disorder before and have been learning about it and it answers so many questions and makes so much sense. She is on medication but getting no real help to help her manage her symptoms that I know of and probably will not either.

I have pretty much accepted that going no contact with her is the only way to go with her from now on for the rest of my life. I need to detach with love and let go of the kids for a very long time and just have the hope that maybe I will get connected to them again, while realizing at the same time, that my daughter in their lives will triangulize them and try to hook me in to. So I am learning all I can about how Narcissists control the families and entangle and pit family members against each other all of the time and preparing just in case to be cautious with the kids if they do reconnect. I have to do this
 
@Rain My heart aches for you and brings back so many memories of the hurt, anger and depression I went through when my daughter would get pissed off at me and say, "You will never see your grandkids again". Sometimes I had done nothing, but pick up the phone call her and say, "Hi hon, what's up?" Or one time I asked why her car was in the garage when she just bought it??? My punishment would go from months to litterly years. My grandkids were my world when they were little. One time, the youngest was 9 when she "punished me". Didn't see him or his brother again till he was 16 and the other one was 18.

They are now 26 and 24 haven't seen the oldest one in 7 yrs and the youngest, I just saw him n the store today. He's autistic, and I only said Hi, because he looked alarmed, when I said it, so I just kept walking. Didn't see my daughter, didn't look for her, and I quickly did my shopping and left.

So, I so understand what you are going through, and how heartbreaking it can be... I don't have words of wisdom, only a shoulder to lean on if needed.... I'm really sorry!!!!!!,
 
Thank you @She Cat for being here for me today and I want to cry at the amount of pain and suffering and grief that you have suffered and endured for so long. I am afraid that this is in my future as well. My daughter never, ever threatened to take the kids away. But this time she said leave me and my family along. So I am respecting the boundary although it is killing me so much each day. It is slow torture for me. I am trying very hard not to overthink this and not worry about all of the repercussions involved.

So far my daughter is staying away and leaving me alone. I try not to think of the sadistic pleasure she gets from doing this to us.

I send you prayers and hugs and healing vibes. I cannot imagine what it was like for you to see the youngest and see him afraid of you. You are such a good person and no way in hell do you need this crap in your life either. It really is pissing me off how cruel they are to us and to their own kids.

From all of the videos I have been watching, my eyes have really been opened up to the horrors these bad people commit over time. I am counting on the truth coming out for all to see eventually except for the hopeless enablers.

How long did it take you to recover from these blows until you felt that your life became liveable? I do not think we ever heal when our grandkids are taken away. This is the most insidious experience I have ever known and I have been betrayed before by an entire group of people and am finally free of all of them at long last. I had to move far away and that seemed to be the start of my healing process but I can never forgive any of them for what they put me and my family through.

Today I put a good picture of my oldest grandson, the one I hope to reconnect with someday, on the wallpaper of my phone and it really cheers me up. Since this whole thing started both kids do not speak to me anymore at all. I am glad I live far enough away that my daughter cannot go to my friends and try to turn them against me and I count myself lucky in that regard.

I think that this kind of experience is going to make me much stronger than I am right now. I hate it and going through it so much. I will never forgive my daughter for what she has done to me and to the kids. They have suffered abandonment at the hands of all of the string of men and fathers in their young lives. The kids are going to be so messed up as adults and I fear for their futures.

I saw a video today where I learned that as I continue no contact with my daughter I deprive her of a scapegoat of choice and she may very turn on the golden child, the youngest. My oldest is an enabler already and has been for years. My oldest has the role of parent and my daughter of the role of child I had no idea of how toxic her family had become because I was in such deep denial and only have been waking up for the last few months. My biggest fear has finally come true she has taken the kids away and is punishing me.

I just wait her her karma to catch up with her and pray one day her kids see her as she really is and become free of her. For now I have no idea of what they are living with each day. So the only weapon I have to fight my daughter with is no contact at all forever.

I am lucky to have good forum support and the belief and support of my few real friends. I think that is what is keeping me sane in all of this right now. I do not know where I would be without the support so I really am so grateful to you for being here for me too.

I hope that someday you will be able to reconnect with your grandkids. I imagine the older one has a life of his own now and is busy with that but I hate what your daughter has done to all of you and fear this is going to happen to us as well. I have to prepare myself for this just in case. I cannot afford to get my hopes up at all. I am here for you as well. Again thank you so much.
 
@Rain I'm fine these days, and the hurt is now gone. It's like a distant memory, like a friendship that just sort of dissolved. I know that sounds awful because they are my family, but after yrs of on and off again, well this is what it's come too. Too many harsh words, too much time has passed and I've just moved on.... I would never and could never have a relationship with her again. I don't hate her, I just can't trust that it wouldn't happen again. The feelings of being on guard all the time, walking on egg shells, being careful of what and how I am going to say something. It just isn't worth the pain of it all. I'd rather be alone, and so I am, and honestly I'm so much happier than I was when we were speaking. No drama!!!!!

I know it's hard not contacting your grandkids, but remember... she has placed a boundary and you must abide by it. To break it, the shit will start and you will be dragged right back in again. I know how hard this is... believe me, I do.... again, I'm so sorry for you and everyone that has ever had to go through this. It's heartbreaking to have grandkids held hostage emotionally over someone's head. They are the pawns in a very sick game.....
 
@She Cat I am feeling so much better today.. thank you for the good explanation of what happened and where you are now and why. I decided to toss the letters I have written and am saving for the kids, because I think I said too much to much to them. I will wait until they contact me if they ever do. Thanks to all who have been supporting me through this nightmare, I know that eventually I will be okay and thrive once again. It is maddening to me that the kids are a pawn in her sick and twisted head games. But as her supply I am busy drying up for her and very, very determined to continue with no contact. I realized so many things last night about what has been going on and I know now that she has all of the cards but will the memory of my love for them last over time? I have a better chance with the older one, but I am also now prepared for the older one to try to persuade me to patch things up with his mom just in case. I think it is good not to overthink, but being prepared for anything out of left field is not being unreasonable. I never want to get sucked back in and realize that this is going to be a lifetime thing for me finally.
 
@Rain If and when your grandkids contact you....... Please don't talk about their mother and the relationship issues that you and her had. In the end, she is still their mother. It just isn't fair to disparage their mother, because then it puts them in a position where they feel that have to choose between you or her.... Strong boundaries even though you'd like to sit them down and tell them all of the crazy shit she has done. Hang in there!!!!
 
Thank you @She Cat and I will not ever mention their mom or discuss what has been going on again. I do not want to place the kids in an impossible situation. But if I have any slight chance to reconnect, I will do it with extreme caution and measure what I say to them.
 
@She Cat I do not think you are being nosy at all, and glad you checked up on me. It made me feel good on the inside. All is well as far as no contact with my daughter, I am going to be moving and I texted my grandson and told him because they are storing things in my garage, and he wanted to come and get his things because he will be moving to Oregon soon. I know, surprise! i told him if they can come and do this peacefully it is okay with me. I still have my daughters phone blocked, so so far so good. I just have to see what happens next, I hope that he will come with a friend.
 
I have talked by text very briefly the last two days because they have to come and get their stuff or I have to leave it here. It has been very calm as far as my daughter goes. I still have her phone blocked. I hate going through my grandson but for some bizarre reason, my daughter is not attacking me over this contact. I am holding my breath because I could not bear another attack from her, especially at this time. So far so good.
 
@She Cat thank you for saying this, but I just feel so broken at this point, but I trust the healing will come in the passing of time. Emotions are still so raw and hurting like you would not believe. My grandson is barely talking to me. I do not know how badly my daughter stabbed me in the back with the kids, but it will never be the same I do not think.
 
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