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Going on Hope - Going on Retreat!

Discussion in 'Social' started by goingonhope, Jan 19, 2007.

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  1. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    :crazy-eye Whew!.....Much to do in the next few hrs. to be ready to leave for retreat today at 4:30. Will be staying 2 nts. 2 days....and not far at all to travel.

    1st time since my children were born since I've spent an evening away, alone. From what I hear there will be proper ind. solo time as well, which I'm glad about, but not necessarily thrilled. Rather a little anxious. As sitting still with myself, is not one of my better talents.

    And, OMG, do hope all goes well with ability to sleep in the evening. Tempted to place one single sleeping sedative in my pocket, if need be, but highly unlikely that I would ever take it due to the side effects following day, and just my general attitude about going on a retreat and simultaneously taking a pill.

    Have not once been on a retreat of this sort or one in several years. Don't know what to expect. Anxious. Will be going even though I already know that it is partially facilitated by a man who once witnessed, a part of mine and others trauma. Soon to find out if I'll encounter any triggers.

    Going on hope and hoping all proves somewhat relaxing, centering and helpful. How my invitation to this retreat, all came about, is much of a surprise. I guess it's just one of those unusual mysterious that have happened in my life when I've made prior committments to healing my trauma. Some of these prior committments I did really follow through with too, but inevitably something beyond my control stepped in and brought it all to a hault, or a temporary end.

    Will be gone for a couple days.

    And, you can bet, I'll be thinking of all of you, and this forum. Keep up all the magnif. healing and God Bless.

    sincerely, goingonhope
     
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Have fun and I hope you can enjoy some peace and quite... I need a retreat LOL.
     
  4. Nam

    Nam I'm a VIP

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    Have a great time Hope. I'm very excited for you and a little envious! I hope you come back with friends, hope, and renewal.
     
  5. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Hope,

    Enjoy the peace and relaxation of your retreat.
     
  6. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Goodluck hope, and get that rest you deserve.
     
  7. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    ah hope, i hope that you will be able to enjoy some relaxation and "you" time.
    cathy
     
  8. Terry

    Terry Well-Known Member

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    Have fun......
     
  9. nov_silence

    nov_silence Well-Known Member

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    Glad you are letting yourself have this opportunity. I look forward to hearing about your experience. Rest well!!!!!!
     
  10. becvan

    becvan Queen of the Blunt! Premium Member

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    This sounds like a good thing! I hope it's going well and you are relaxing! Let us know how it went when you return..

    bec
     
  11. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hi all, I'm back from the retreat and doing. Didn't know quite what to expect, but certainly found out.

    Thanks all for your kindness. Appreciated your comments deeply as I briefly logged on and read, upon arriving home.

    Many mixed feelings :eek: :fight: :dontknow: tonight. Combo. of confusion, hope, renewal, fear, ....you name it.

    Retreat was a success, but given a little time I'm now getting down on myself. This retreat involved signif. therapuetic work which has me now face to face with some trauma and hurt. Triggers there for me, throughout the weekend galore! Much :poke: resulting in extreme emotion (fear, rage, sadness and grief), all expressed in proper time and place with much helpful attention returned. If I'm honest with myself, I must say I did an extremely good job balancing the present with the past....so as to participate, confront my trauma, and not fall apart at any inappropriate times. Why is it that I have a relentless 'judge' inside my head that awakens, nags at me and is merciless at times. It sucks, And, I'm sick 'n' tired of this damn thing ripping me off again and again in all my insecurities. So many of us do have this. It's hard.

    :smile: Thanks again all, for your support.
     
  12. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Received a note from someone who participated, it reads: "Thank you for being so open and honest this past weekend. You have so much courage and strength. It was a pleasure getting to know you. God Bless. And then along with it a little comment, "We want to love and be loved."

    I have such serious issues believing others, suppose these are called trust issues. I mean, I was open and honest and I have a tape recorded audio that reveals this, and some of the anguish in the depths me. 1 1/2 hrs. of me 1st discussing then releasing from me, much anger and rage toward my father and sister. Scared of this tape! Whew......f'n scary to me. As it makes my trauma very real to me and not so easy to forget the truthfulness and impact of it.

    She says, it was a pleasure getting to know me. That I appreciate but seriously hesitate to believe. I mean, what do I have multiple personalities or something, .....days with self-esteem, courage and strength ....and then suddenly days just so damn afraid, anxious and down on myself. And, then those days somewhere in the mix where I'm in just such a bad state of confusion, it's scary.

    Wishing I could just give everyone in life, what they want and need, but I can't I'm back to being so unpredictable at this time in my life, and feeling ashamed because I don't even know what next to expect from me.

    Never did take that sedative with me during the retreat, did however the night before last, just to assure sleep and get some relief and escape from being stuck and powerless, so that perhaps I might move forward in some positive direction....any positive direction will do.
     
  13. nov_silence

    nov_silence Well-Known Member

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    Glad you are back. Sounds like you did some powerful work while you were there. Good for you!

    You being you should not be about being all things to all people. That's misery disguised as "being helpful" (I should know, it's what I did for so long. It's bullshit, it's not worth your soul).

    The shame will lock you up and make you feel worse about what you're already struggling with. Shame is poison. You need to actively work to not let shame get in the way of healing. It's a second by second decision. Healing is a bitch in heat, if it were a predictable journey, I doubt many people would bother.

    Blunt & blunt,

    Nov
     
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