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Good idea or bad idea?

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Fadeaway

MyPTSD Pro
I have written before about the passive aggressive snarky statements my husband makes. They are really the one thing I can't cope with in this relationship. Especially not when I am in need of medical treatment.

A couple of days ago I was contacted by my abuser. I tried all of my coping skills, mindfulness, meditation, breathing, the works, but I couldn't stop the panic and dissociation. I kept having accidents all day yesterday from my dissociation. While I was making dinner, which I wouldn't have except the meat was defrosted 3 days prior and was going to go bad, I set a cup of butter on the stove burner that I had forgotten to turn off, and it exploded shattering glass. I was instructed by medical professionals to go to the E.R.

I told my husband who knew I was in bad mental shape that I needed to go to the E.R. His response was, "Wow, and here I actually though for once that I could get some sleep." *
As we were leaving I asked him not to turn off all the lights because walking into a pitch dark house scares me. His response, "That's because you don't about what might cause someone else to have anxiety, you just want the light on so it triggers my anxiety over the electric bill." *

Fast forward to today, I told him I would do laundry, but the Ativan they gave me at the hospital kicked my ass. I normally don't take benzos and I am super sensitive to it. He got pissy that I asked him to do a load of just what he needed for the next 4 days.He made some condescending statement about me doing nothing while he works. Following advice I have seen in multiple places, I told him not to speak to me that way, it hurts. His response was "Every thing hurts you. The sun coming up hurts you." * I have repeatedly told him I am not going to tolerate those types of statements I just can't come up with any consequences to set boundaries with.

So what I am thing of is getting a whistle. Telling him that when he uses the specific types of comments I need him to stop, I am going to blow a whistle to let you know that I am hurt and not engaging due to your hurtful comments. He doesn't associate my silence or any other type of response with his words.

My hope is for him to make a connection between my response and the types of statements above that have an astrix after them. This is something I would have to use very sparingly and not misuse or it would defeat my purpose of getting him to make the connection. I know I couldn't use it just because he said something that made me upset or angry, only those specific types of comments. I should also note the tone of voice his uses is also what I struggle with. It is very reminiscent of a child saying, "I know you are but what am I" in a very very pouty yet sarcastic manner. If I tell him he is being mean, he will pout the words, "know you are" Oh, and he will copy cat me sometimes. like he did tonight.

He also had the nerve to say, "Well you got all the attention at the hospital, what did they do for me?" Umm, he wasn't the patient nor did they think he was at risk of harming himself.

So the whistle idea, good or bad? At the very least it might make me feel like i have some control and can communicate my feelings without fearing his comeback to what I say. Saying something with a whistle without saying anything that can be used against me is a plus in my mind.
 
I am so sorry about your situation, Fade. I guess I'm wondering whether he might just interpret the whistle as a vehicle for your voice and react pretty much the same way as if you had spoken? But, of course, you know him better than I do. I'm just so sorry he makes those kinds of comments. You don't deserve that.
 
I actually wish I knew what would make people hear me. Especially when I am attempting to explain myself/my need(s). I usually end up in these freaking defensive conversations much of the time.

I think if your husband is not open to hearing 'you' in general, then it doesn't matter if you use a tool (whistle). I can't tell you the amount of time I have wasted in my life attempting to get certain people to hear me. Husbands included.
 
I have learned over time, that if a person does not see or hear me, I am just wasting my time, trying to communicate with the person and walk away.

I think couples counseling is a very good idea for you to have an impartial third party mediating between the both of you. My husband I went to marriage counseling and we both learned how to best communicate with the other person.

I think the whistle is not a good idea, and I am sorry because I know you do need to have boundaries and consequences with him.

With him, he does not know or is unwilling to communicate with you in positive ways. I wish you good luck because he is being very hurtful with you right now, I think.
 
"Well you got all the attention at the hospital, what did they do for me?
Obviously, I don't know him at all. I don't like those comments that you marked with an asterisk at all. There's no situation where I can imagine them being useful.

I can see the remark I quoted I'm two totally different lights. One, he's an insensitive, self centered jerk. Two, he's exhausted with the situation, at the end of his own rope, and not coping very well. Maybe he actually DOES need some help for himself.

The whistle? I think that's too aggressively passive aggressive, kind of. I suspect that the problem may not be that he doesn't know what he's doing. It might be more the reasons he's doing it.
 
Sorry to hear that you are in a tough situation at the moment and that you're not getting the support you need from your husband.

Re the whistle - I suspect it won't make a difference and that he will either fail to hear it (i.e. will ignore it) or that he will respond to it in a snarky way as he does when you say some things. I think it could possibly inflame things further.

As others have said, I'm not sure whether he is an arse, totally lacking in empathy, sensitivity and compassion. Or whether he is...burnt out, stressed out, needing some support himself and feeling at the end of his tether? Do you know which is more the case? Or if it's something else, perhaps?
 
@Fadeaway I agree with @scout86 Your husband is either an insensitive jerk or he's just totally worn out. But his behavior still isn't acceptable. I don't know if anything you can do that will help the situation. He has to be willing to change his behavior, and it looks like he's not up to the task.....
 
That is why I ran it by you guys.There a lot of great things about him, but I can't discuss this with him without him feeling attacked no matter how I approach it. The thing is, if he perceives me as happy, then he doesn't do this. My having a panic attack is what triggers these statements. What everyone says makes sense though, I was just trying to find a way to feel more, I don't know. like there were other options out there than just sitting and taking it, because walking away is not always an option because it most frequently happens in the car or after dark.
@intothelight He puts on a very different face in therapy, or at least tries. The T did say that he pouted a lot.

I think you guys are right about him being burned out. He does lack empathy to a degree, but I have also seen him make a real effort. He does need to see a T, but I doubt he will due to lack of insurance (they screwed him on that bad). I am curious if his job has anything available in the way of employee support.
 
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