I have written before about the passive aggressive snarky statements my husband makes. They are really the one thing I can't cope with in this relationship. Especially not when I am in need of medical treatment.
A couple of days ago I was contacted by my abuser. I tried all of my coping skills, mindfulness, meditation, breathing, the works, but I couldn't stop the panic and dissociation. I kept having accidents all day yesterday from my dissociation. While I was making dinner, which I wouldn't have except the meat was defrosted 3 days prior and was going to go bad, I set a cup of butter on the stove burner that I had forgotten to turn off, and it exploded shattering glass. I was instructed by medical professionals to go to the E.R.
I told my husband who knew I was in bad mental shape that I needed to go to the E.R. His response was, "Wow, and here I actually though for once that I could get some sleep." *
As we were leaving I asked him not to turn off all the lights because walking into a pitch dark house scares me. His response, "That's because you don't about what might cause someone else to have anxiety, you just want the light on so it triggers my anxiety over the electric bill." *
Fast forward to today, I told him I would do laundry, but the Ativan they gave me at the hospital kicked my ass. I normally don't take benzos and I am super sensitive to it. He got pissy that I asked him to do a load of just what he needed for the next 4 days.He made some condescending statement about me doing nothing while he works. Following advice I have seen in multiple places, I told him not to speak to me that way, it hurts. His response was "Every thing hurts you. The sun coming up hurts you." * I have repeatedly told him I am not going to tolerate those types of statements I just can't come up with any consequences to set boundaries with.
So what I am thing of is getting a whistle. Telling him that when he uses the specific types of comments I need him to stop, I am going to blow a whistle to let you know that I am hurt and not engaging due to your hurtful comments. He doesn't associate my silence or any other type of response with his words.
My hope is for him to make a connection between my response and the types of statements above that have an astrix after them. This is something I would have to use very sparingly and not misuse or it would defeat my purpose of getting him to make the connection. I know I couldn't use it just because he said something that made me upset or angry, only those specific types of comments. I should also note the tone of voice his uses is also what I struggle with. It is very reminiscent of a child saying, "I know you are but what am I" in a very very pouty yet sarcastic manner. If I tell him he is being mean, he will pout the words, "know you are" Oh, and he will copy cat me sometimes. like he did tonight.
He also had the nerve to say, "Well you got all the attention at the hospital, what did they do for me?" Umm, he wasn't the patient nor did they think he was at risk of harming himself.
So the whistle idea, good or bad? At the very least it might make me feel like i have some control and can communicate my feelings without fearing his comeback to what I say. Saying something with a whistle without saying anything that can be used against me is a plus in my mind.
A couple of days ago I was contacted by my abuser. I tried all of my coping skills, mindfulness, meditation, breathing, the works, but I couldn't stop the panic and dissociation. I kept having accidents all day yesterday from my dissociation. While I was making dinner, which I wouldn't have except the meat was defrosted 3 days prior and was going to go bad, I set a cup of butter on the stove burner that I had forgotten to turn off, and it exploded shattering glass. I was instructed by medical professionals to go to the E.R.
I told my husband who knew I was in bad mental shape that I needed to go to the E.R. His response was, "Wow, and here I actually though for once that I could get some sleep." *
As we were leaving I asked him not to turn off all the lights because walking into a pitch dark house scares me. His response, "That's because you don't about what might cause someone else to have anxiety, you just want the light on so it triggers my anxiety over the electric bill." *
Fast forward to today, I told him I would do laundry, but the Ativan they gave me at the hospital kicked my ass. I normally don't take benzos and I am super sensitive to it. He got pissy that I asked him to do a load of just what he needed for the next 4 days.He made some condescending statement about me doing nothing while he works. Following advice I have seen in multiple places, I told him not to speak to me that way, it hurts. His response was "Every thing hurts you. The sun coming up hurts you." * I have repeatedly told him I am not going to tolerate those types of statements I just can't come up with any consequences to set boundaries with.
So what I am thing of is getting a whistle. Telling him that when he uses the specific types of comments I need him to stop, I am going to blow a whistle to let you know that I am hurt and not engaging due to your hurtful comments. He doesn't associate my silence or any other type of response with his words.
My hope is for him to make a connection between my response and the types of statements above that have an astrix after them. This is something I would have to use very sparingly and not misuse or it would defeat my purpose of getting him to make the connection. I know I couldn't use it just because he said something that made me upset or angry, only those specific types of comments. I should also note the tone of voice his uses is also what I struggle with. It is very reminiscent of a child saying, "I know you are but what am I" in a very very pouty yet sarcastic manner. If I tell him he is being mean, he will pout the words, "know you are" Oh, and he will copy cat me sometimes. like he did tonight.
He also had the nerve to say, "Well you got all the attention at the hospital, what did they do for me?" Umm, he wasn't the patient nor did they think he was at risk of harming himself.
So the whistle idea, good or bad? At the very least it might make me feel like i have some control and can communicate my feelings without fearing his comeback to what I say. Saying something with a whistle without saying anything that can be used against me is a plus in my mind.