This is a vague ramble through my responses to the first three weeks of CBT. Sorry it's long
Finally! After three years of battling the NHS I am getting trauma focused CBT. But it is currently only scheduled for 16 weeks, and I can't believe that will magically be enough.
I have to catch a bus there, but not from the side of the road where I had a bit of a flashback.
I have to arrive in the town an hour early and it can be hard to find something to fill that hour that I can deal with. I tried browsing the charity shops, but that was too focussed on me to deal with. Last week I joined the library, and that may well be OK - a silent place where i know the rules.
I went to the first week determined to apply myself as fully as possible, grab it with both hands and make it work. The therapist set a clear structure, agreeing an agenda and was happy to arrange the room so I felt comfortable. Her agenda was on conveying theory, mine about reasons to trust. I left feeling positive, though tired, but was able to deal wit the statutory nutter at the bus-stop. The support worker said the next day that the therapist thought it went better than expected, and that I was very open. I think her expectations were coloured by the reports of the dreadful NHS therapist 18 months ago.
The second week was a bit harder, but pretty OK at the time. Again it was mainly focussed on theory, mostly stuff I knew and could assent to. Afterwards though I struggled badly for several days with the desire to run and hide. We'd spoken about my mild dissociation, and I'd said the first week hadn't neede me to detach myself but two other events had needed much more cutting off. She suggested looking at them in week 3, applying the 5 aspects model. (http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/5aspects.pdf ) I think I was afraid they would reveal too much. Daft , that is what I'm there for.
As the week ran on my thoughts moved on from "Got to run, got to hide" to " Of course I don't deserve or need this treatment". My dreams were full of Dickensian poverty stricken children, dying in rags.
In week 3 we set out an agenda, but as soon as I mentioned my reaction we diverted off onto that. There was some discussion about grounding.I need to ask her for a list and specific ways to practice them, though we agreed that it would be OK to buy a metronome. I told her about my ability to break safe place imagery.
I said we hadn't covered the agenda, but she indicated the notes she'd been writing and said no, we had used the model. I couldn't see that, as I wasn't wearing my glasses. I suspect I had some homework, probably about practising breathing.
Now I'm convinced it will all be cancelled and taken away from me. The fact that the support worker who was supposed to call the day after to check my stability hasn't phoned me is confirming that view. I dreamed I was battling with the clerks at a theme park, who wouldn't take my voucher to let me in, and told me I'd arrived too late to be allowed on any of the rides, I could only walk round and look.
My GP, one of the CPNs and my old private therapist thought it would only be safe for me to do this as an inpatient. Initially I agreed, but once it became clear the Trust would't spend that money I decided the focus had to be on what ever treatment I could get.
My will says I am going to do this, wholly and fully.
My fears say what if I can't do it, and end up harming myself and/or others in a bid to escape.
My mind sometimes says that the therapist is going to decide it isn't safe and I'll be back to months, years waiting for another decision, and sometimes says I need to get my act together. I keep catching myself inwardly repeating " I just won't think. I won't let anything bad happen".
Finally! After three years of battling the NHS I am getting trauma focused CBT. But it is currently only scheduled for 16 weeks, and I can't believe that will magically be enough.
I have to catch a bus there, but not from the side of the road where I had a bit of a flashback.
I have to arrive in the town an hour early and it can be hard to find something to fill that hour that I can deal with. I tried browsing the charity shops, but that was too focussed on me to deal with. Last week I joined the library, and that may well be OK - a silent place where i know the rules.
I went to the first week determined to apply myself as fully as possible, grab it with both hands and make it work. The therapist set a clear structure, agreeing an agenda and was happy to arrange the room so I felt comfortable. Her agenda was on conveying theory, mine about reasons to trust. I left feeling positive, though tired, but was able to deal wit the statutory nutter at the bus-stop. The support worker said the next day that the therapist thought it went better than expected, and that I was very open. I think her expectations were coloured by the reports of the dreadful NHS therapist 18 months ago.
The second week was a bit harder, but pretty OK at the time. Again it was mainly focussed on theory, mostly stuff I knew and could assent to. Afterwards though I struggled badly for several days with the desire to run and hide. We'd spoken about my mild dissociation, and I'd said the first week hadn't neede me to detach myself but two other events had needed much more cutting off. She suggested looking at them in week 3, applying the 5 aspects model. (http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/5aspects.pdf ) I think I was afraid they would reveal too much. Daft , that is what I'm there for.
As the week ran on my thoughts moved on from "Got to run, got to hide" to " Of course I don't deserve or need this treatment". My dreams were full of Dickensian poverty stricken children, dying in rags.
In week 3 we set out an agenda, but as soon as I mentioned my reaction we diverted off onto that. There was some discussion about grounding.I need to ask her for a list and specific ways to practice them, though we agreed that it would be OK to buy a metronome. I told her about my ability to break safe place imagery.
I said we hadn't covered the agenda, but she indicated the notes she'd been writing and said no, we had used the model. I couldn't see that, as I wasn't wearing my glasses. I suspect I had some homework, probably about practising breathing.
Now I'm convinced it will all be cancelled and taken away from me. The fact that the support worker who was supposed to call the day after to check my stability hasn't phoned me is confirming that view. I dreamed I was battling with the clerks at a theme park, who wouldn't take my voucher to let me in, and told me I'd arrived too late to be allowed on any of the rides, I could only walk round and look.
My GP, one of the CPNs and my old private therapist thought it would only be safe for me to do this as an inpatient. Initially I agreed, but once it became clear the Trust would't spend that money I decided the focus had to be on what ever treatment I could get.
My will says I am going to do this, wholly and fully.
My fears say what if I can't do it, and end up harming myself and/or others in a bid to escape.
My mind sometimes says that the therapist is going to decide it isn't safe and I'll be back to months, years waiting for another decision, and sometimes says I need to get my act together. I keep catching myself inwardly repeating " I just won't think. I won't let anything bad happen".