• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Sufferer Grew up with abusive mother, struggling with cptsd now

Status
Not open for further replies.

Linda313

New Here
Hi. I live in Maryland in the US. I have struggled with CPTSD most of my life. I grew up in a very abusive/neglectful home. My mother was very violent, and my dad didn't protect us. He left my mom when I was 14 and left me with her. I have 2 older sisters who I am estranged from. My mom has been dead since I was 28, and I have a relationship with my dad.

I'm divorced and remarried to a woman. I've known I was gay since my 30's. I have 2 sons who I am very close to. For the most part, I manage to function day to day. I have a job. From the outside I "think" people see me as normal. And, yet, on the inside I fit every definition of someone with CPTSD. I struggle moment to moment, day to day, month to month. I know my sense of reality is skewed: how I perceive myself, what is going on around me, how people are reacting. Mostly, its about myself. I see myself as a wretched person. I am always terrified I'm "bad" and I am so full of rage. I physically hurt all the time. I am so easily triggered. I battle anxiety constantly. I can go out and socialize at a get-together and then spend the whole next morning dissecting the evening and wondering what I said wrong, what people think of me. Despite the fact that I have a good job, physically going to work is a form of torture every day. Every little interaction with someone sends me into endless dialogue and rehashing of the conversation and wondering what people think of me. It's endless and torturous. I am paranoid, terrified of screwing anything up. I often wonder when I'm going to snap. Close friendships are difficult. I prefer to be alone but am often lonely. Even running into someone in the grocery store is stressful and frightening. If I see them before they see me, I often go the other direction depending on who it is and how I am feeling. I would say my best friend is shame. I am ashamed of who I am. Inside I feel bad to the core. I can't even fully enjoy the love my kids and wife show towards me, because I know I don't deserve it. Often I wish I'd never been born and wonder why I am even here.

The one person in the world I feel safe with is my wife. Yet, I know the pressure I put on her. I know she feels I'm very wrapped up in myself. And, she's right. I feel so guilty. I am there for her whenever she needs me, but I also know things often circle back to me. It just makes me feel selfish and even worse about myself. I am caught in the past, because the wounds have never healed. I've given up hope they ever will. I don't think they can.

I've tried medications (they're a joke), EMDR (kinda worked), biofeedback (worked somewhat but temporarily), cognitive therapy (the therapist sucked), regular therapy (it's the one thing that has saved me). I use meditation and self-interrupting mantras to some degree of success. But, when things get rough, I can't even calm myself enough to practice them and am so stressed I forget to even try.

I can logically tell myself that my perceptions are skewed because of the CPTSD. But, I can't correct it. I can tell myself that I'm not bad, but I can't stop feeling it. I'm hoping I can find some sense of relief and companionship on this forum. Thanks.
 
welcome... sorry for what brought you here, but glad you found us... and yes, we understand how you feel, and that core self is damaged and bad and wrong.... the really hard part of our healing journey,is to stick with it.... to keep searching.... and if something helped, possibly you might want to revisit it and commit to staying with it longer.....
This journey is about rewiring our brain.... that takes a lot of time... the self hatred is more ingrained than the truth of who we are, no easier softer way... it is hard work.... and painful.... but there are so many of us here, doing what you are doing, and supporting each other thru the bad times and good...

Glad you are here, and hope you eventually find out the lies your brain is telling you...this place is full of compassion and understanding people... Hope you find what you need here...
 
Welcome! I just recently joined myself after reading things on this site for quite awhile. I feel it has been beneficial already because it lets me know I am not the only one and have found even at times I may have something to offer someone else. I am sharing some, but I find it difficult to be too vulnerable at this point because of things in the past where I was pretty wide open and got lambasted.

The feelings you described fit me to a tee. It all makes life so difficult, but I am feeling that maybe I am not a lost cause. Just trying to take life one day @ a time, trying to apply some of the tools I am learning (not obsessively because I can do that too), but to gently ease into them. One thing I have learned is I am way too hard on myself so I am trying to be kinder and gentler with myself...a foreign concept. When I am able to do that it feels good. There is a thread on here about self-compassion.

Glad you are here. Hope to hear from you again!
 
Hi and Welcome to the forum.
I hope you find the information on here helpful and the people supportive - I know I have!
Regards, Lucy x
 
Thank you for the welcomes. Ladee, i failed to mention in my intro that I have been working on/trying different treatments for about 25 years. Unfortunately, many don't work or have such bad side effects (medications); are very expensive with so so results (biofeedback); hard to find and expensive (decent therapists/psychiatrists). It has been a struggle. But, I have made big improvements especially since getting away from my sisters, minimizing contact with my dad, and leaving an abusive marriage. It's hard to make progress when you're still in the lion's den. :o). Those steps were probably the most healing. Much of the time I am able to soothe myself, but I find when I get triggered I still struggle a lot.

One thing that really drew me to this forum is the support for and information on Complex PTSD It has been hard to find support because so much of what I find is focused on PTSD and combat vets...not to in any way minimize the importance of support for them.

I look forward to reading more and supporting others.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top