Hi. I live in Maryland in the US. I have struggled with CPTSD most of my life. I grew up in a very abusive/neglectful home. My mother was very violent, and my dad didn't protect us. He left my mom when I was 14 and left me with her. I have 2 older sisters who I am estranged from. My mom has been dead since I was 28, and I have a relationship with my dad.
I'm divorced and remarried to a woman. I've known I was gay since my 30's. I have 2 sons who I am very close to. For the most part, I manage to function day to day. I have a job. From the outside I "think" people see me as normal. And, yet, on the inside I fit every definition of someone with CPTSD. I struggle moment to moment, day to day, month to month. I know my sense of reality is skewed: how I perceive myself, what is going on around me, how people are reacting. Mostly, its about myself. I see myself as a wretched person. I am always terrified I'm "bad" and I am so full of rage. I physically hurt all the time. I am so easily triggered. I battle anxiety constantly. I can go out and socialize at a get-together and then spend the whole next morning dissecting the evening and wondering what I said wrong, what people think of me. Despite the fact that I have a good job, physically going to work is a form of torture every day. Every little interaction with someone sends me into endless dialogue and rehashing of the conversation and wondering what people think of me. It's endless and torturous. I am paranoid, terrified of screwing anything up. I often wonder when I'm going to snap. Close friendships are difficult. I prefer to be alone but am often lonely. Even running into someone in the grocery store is stressful and frightening. If I see them before they see me, I often go the other direction depending on who it is and how I am feeling. I would say my best friend is shame. I am ashamed of who I am. Inside I feel bad to the core. I can't even fully enjoy the love my kids and wife show towards me, because I know I don't deserve it. Often I wish I'd never been born and wonder why I am even here.
The one person in the world I feel safe with is my wife. Yet, I know the pressure I put on her. I know she feels I'm very wrapped up in myself. And, she's right. I feel so guilty. I am there for her whenever she needs me, but I also know things often circle back to me. It just makes me feel selfish and even worse about myself. I am caught in the past, because the wounds have never healed. I've given up hope they ever will. I don't think they can.
I've tried medications (they're a joke), EMDR (kinda worked), biofeedback (worked somewhat but temporarily), cognitive therapy (the therapist sucked), regular therapy (it's the one thing that has saved me). I use meditation and self-interrupting mantras to some degree of success. But, when things get rough, I can't even calm myself enough to practice them and am so stressed I forget to even try.
I can logically tell myself that my perceptions are skewed because of the CPTSD. But, I can't correct it. I can tell myself that I'm not bad, but I can't stop feeling it. I'm hoping I can find some sense of relief and companionship on this forum. Thanks.
I'm divorced and remarried to a woman. I've known I was gay since my 30's. I have 2 sons who I am very close to. For the most part, I manage to function day to day. I have a job. From the outside I "think" people see me as normal. And, yet, on the inside I fit every definition of someone with CPTSD. I struggle moment to moment, day to day, month to month. I know my sense of reality is skewed: how I perceive myself, what is going on around me, how people are reacting. Mostly, its about myself. I see myself as a wretched person. I am always terrified I'm "bad" and I am so full of rage. I physically hurt all the time. I am so easily triggered. I battle anxiety constantly. I can go out and socialize at a get-together and then spend the whole next morning dissecting the evening and wondering what I said wrong, what people think of me. Despite the fact that I have a good job, physically going to work is a form of torture every day. Every little interaction with someone sends me into endless dialogue and rehashing of the conversation and wondering what people think of me. It's endless and torturous. I am paranoid, terrified of screwing anything up. I often wonder when I'm going to snap. Close friendships are difficult. I prefer to be alone but am often lonely. Even running into someone in the grocery store is stressful and frightening. If I see them before they see me, I often go the other direction depending on who it is and how I am feeling. I would say my best friend is shame. I am ashamed of who I am. Inside I feel bad to the core. I can't even fully enjoy the love my kids and wife show towards me, because I know I don't deserve it. Often I wish I'd never been born and wonder why I am even here.
The one person in the world I feel safe with is my wife. Yet, I know the pressure I put on her. I know she feels I'm very wrapped up in myself. And, she's right. I feel so guilty. I am there for her whenever she needs me, but I also know things often circle back to me. It just makes me feel selfish and even worse about myself. I am caught in the past, because the wounds have never healed. I've given up hope they ever will. I don't think they can.
I've tried medications (they're a joke), EMDR (kinda worked), biofeedback (worked somewhat but temporarily), cognitive therapy (the therapist sucked), regular therapy (it's the one thing that has saved me). I use meditation and self-interrupting mantras to some degree of success. But, when things get rough, I can't even calm myself enough to practice them and am so stressed I forget to even try.
I can logically tell myself that my perceptions are skewed because of the CPTSD. But, I can't correct it. I can tell myself that I'm not bad, but I can't stop feeling it. I'm hoping I can find some sense of relief and companionship on this forum. Thanks.