• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Grief - The Loss Of Our Old Self

Status
Not open for further replies.
I've dealt with this my entire life. Life with PTSD is all I know. But, I do grieve. Somedays, I just dream about a life that I could of had without PTSD. I wonder about how different I would of been. I grieve for that little girl in me that was just at the wrong place at the wrong time and had my entire life changed. I grieve for what could of been. I don't dwell on it, but it is always there...

Emma
 
ISUPPORTHER,

I admire you for the effort you are putting forward in supporting your wife. This disorder is so hard to understand, let alone deal with when your loved one can't adequately explain what is going on.
 
I remember when I was in hospital and the T. spent an entire day discussing how when we get back home and begin our true recovery that we would not be the person we were before therapy.

I got very concerned about that. What if I did not like the person I would become. What if my family didn't like the new "ME"!

I don't know if I have let go completely of the old me. I think about that woman, but the thoughts are negative. She was not very nice and some times I think that I am just pretending to be a nice person now and that I am really still that selfish bitch.

Maybe I HAVE NOT mourned her yet. Just the thought of her and a headache starts. Must be something there I am not addressing. Maybe she needs a final burial. Definitely food for thought
 
Grama-Herc,

As every one else has said…a very good thread. A very well timed thread for me,as I have recently experienced a couple of losses. Had I not been warned that each time we experience a loss, all of the losses we have experienced in our lives tend to re-emerge. I would be in much worse shape at the moment.

As for the grieve related to the traumas I would have to say that I grieve what could have been because I knew no other life before. Yes, Heather it is scary and like a deep pit. For me it has gone on for some time as I couldn’t really grieve when I still couldn’t say it was all real. When I wanted to believe it was someone else’s life – not mine.

It feels incredibly real right now and although the tears are flowing heavy it is a very thought provoking thread.

Thank you,

Zoe
 
  • Like
Reactions: fin
I think grief is very closely linked to ptsd.
When I see talk about ptsd being incurable I always feel that is such a dark and gloomy prognosis.
Where as grief is also incurable (I believe) but people know that over a time it becomes tolerable.
How much better(more positive) to think that given time even ptsd becomes tolerable.
 
Jestadud

I am so glad to hear such a response as yours. Yes, finally. PTSD is not something we get over, like the flu. We learn HOW to live with it. KUDOS for your observatin
 
My new tdoc tells me that I don't have to go through the process of reconciling the pre-trauma me with the post-trauma me b/c I've only known the post-trauma me, as my trauma was when I was 4 and I've suffered with one symptom or another ever since....So no grieving for the pre-trauma me, as other trauma survivors have to do.

Nor do I grieve for the lost childhood that I never had. One of my good friends (who also has PTSD) pointed out to me that if none of what happened to me occurred, then I wouldn't be the same person I am today...and he points out that I am a good person the way that I am. So no, I don't grieve for my lost childhood. I think its because I've never been one to look at the past...I live in the moment or look to the future. I've always done this as it was my biggest motivation when times were tough.
 
I re read this tonite and it brought to mind a sad thought. I wonder what or who I would have been if whatever happened to me never happened.

Would I be fun and have friends? Would I go places and do things? I guess it is that woman I am grieving. The one I will never know. But I bet she would have been a happy, outgoing, NICE person. A person with a smile.

To bad she will never see the sun shine. OMG, how sad that sounds.
 
For me grief of my lost self comes hand in hand with the anger I feel for my abuser.
I grieve for the mum my children used to have. I hope that in the future my relationship with them will return to one we used to share where we can laugh & share a joke & relax in each others company. As my abuser is their father it is difficult for us all to come to terms with.

Now that I've started to make some recovery I've gone back to work but because of my symptoms I am unable to return to my old post & have had to take a down grade to where I was 10yrs ago which has done nothing for my self esteem.

What right did my abuser have to take so much away from me? how does he get to carry on like nothing has happened when he's left us in this mess.
 
Thanks for starting the thread. Grama, I think even through it all, you are a beautiful, understanding lady. I'm not saying not to grieve, but we'd also grieve if you weren't here to encourage us.:Hug_emoticon:

If I was never raped, who would I be? Before, I was so carefree and thought the world was a beautiful place filled with nice people (just a few bad ones who would get caught and put in jail). Now, it's like the opposite. I almost expect bad things to happen and I'm surprised if they don't. My innocence (in more ways than one) was stolen.

Sorry. Guys are starting to work on the outside windows again. Panic!
 
The way I see things is like this. If I am grieving (and I do) the non-perfect person I was before PTSD, at least I am feeling. As I "come back on line" alot of the feelings I have are not happy ones: Grief, shame, disgust, anger, horror, helplessness, distress, anguish, terror, fright, flight, freeze and god yes the freaking panic to name a few. However, there are also moments of joy, peace, pride, tenacity, serenity, bliss, laughter, contentment, tranquility where I am fully present and living in the moment. This is better than feeling nothing and having no sense of a future at all whichever way I am feeling I am trying to be just GRATEFUL that I am alive and feeling. Again.
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top