goingonhope
MyPTSD Pro
Continuing today a process of writing my story start to finish. I'm sick 'n' tired of knowing, and yet feeling like it belongs to someone else. As if, I am, or it is, lost to some dissociative, amnesiac, fugue like state of mind. I've attempted many times, in my life and have never been able to do this before.
In the past, even when ptsd'd to the max, I've put a lot of effort into trying to write my story, but only succeeded in stopping abruptly to crippling symptoms, and filing what I had written away and later shredding and disposing of it.
I wrote a little Tues, and had to stop. I've written a little today and must stop. What happens is in order to write about it, I revisit in memory and flashbacks as if I'm that age, and I'm there, and so therefore, some I've what I felt then, I feel horribly in the present.
And, in doing this writing, I believe I must remain balanced, in my mind, between the present and the past, for my families and my survival. And, this thread, is where I'm hoping to turn to when I need to do that. Balance myself! Control my mind, enough to write my story. As I've been shattered and scattered about in thoughts and memory for far to long now, and I'm sick 'n' tired of it.
I would say that I've had to compartmentalize a great deal in order to survive, but fear that others might think poorly of me. Maybe think that I have multiple personalities. I don't know if this is so, and I doubt it, especially the way multiple personalities is thought of. I once asked the therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD, if he thought I did and he didn't think so. I asked my husband just the other night if he thinks I have MP and he said at first yeah, sure, but then said no he didn't really think so. He did read info. on dissociation and pointed to the depersonalization and said, now that there is like you.
Well the pains in my guts and the feeling of wanting to vomit has subsided a little now, and I'm going to now continue to march forward in my day, balancing the present with my writing and telling my story of the past, in some sort of order.
Feeling vulnerable, embarrassed and somewhat anxious with disclosing this here, even somewhat humiliated, but trusting that 'what doesn't kill me will make me stronger.'
Just for the hell of it.....What do you all know about, or think of multiple personality disorder and how do you honestly think and feel about those who have it?
Again, I'm not saying I do, I'm just afraid of owning and writing my story and me getting very ill. And, I'm afraid of MPD.
Hope
In the past, even when ptsd'd to the max, I've put a lot of effort into trying to write my story, but only succeeded in stopping abruptly to crippling symptoms, and filing what I had written away and later shredding and disposing of it.
I wrote a little Tues, and had to stop. I've written a little today and must stop. What happens is in order to write about it, I revisit in memory and flashbacks as if I'm that age, and I'm there, and so therefore, some I've what I felt then, I feel horribly in the present.
And, in doing this writing, I believe I must remain balanced, in my mind, between the present and the past, for my families and my survival. And, this thread, is where I'm hoping to turn to when I need to do that. Balance myself! Control my mind, enough to write my story. As I've been shattered and scattered about in thoughts and memory for far to long now, and I'm sick 'n' tired of it.
I would say that I've had to compartmentalize a great deal in order to survive, but fear that others might think poorly of me. Maybe think that I have multiple personalities. I don't know if this is so, and I doubt it, especially the way multiple personalities is thought of. I once asked the therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD, if he thought I did and he didn't think so. I asked my husband just the other night if he thinks I have MP and he said at first yeah, sure, but then said no he didn't really think so. He did read info. on dissociation and pointed to the depersonalization and said, now that there is like you.
Well the pains in my guts and the feeling of wanting to vomit has subsided a little now, and I'm going to now continue to march forward in my day, balancing the present with my writing and telling my story of the past, in some sort of order.
Feeling vulnerable, embarrassed and somewhat anxious with disclosing this here, even somewhat humiliated, but trusting that 'what doesn't kill me will make me stronger.'
Just for the hell of it.....What do you all know about, or think of multiple personality disorder and how do you honestly think and feel about those who have it?
Again, I'm not saying I do, I'm just afraid of owning and writing my story and me getting very ill. And, I'm afraid of MPD.
Hope