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Guts In Pain and Turmoil As I Write My Story Start To Finish

Discussion in 'General' started by goingonhope, Mar 8, 2007.

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  1. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Continuing today a process of writing my story start to finish. I'm sick 'n' tired of knowing, and yet feeling like it belongs to someone else. As if, I am, or it is, lost to some dissociative, amnesiac, fugue like state of mind. I've attempted many times, in my life and have never been able to do this before.

    In the past, even when ptsd'd to the max, I've put a lot of effort into trying to write my story, but only succeeded in stopping abruptly to crippling symptoms, and filing what I had written away and later shredding and disposing of it.

    I wrote a little Tues, and had to stop. I've written a little today and must stop. What happens is in order to write about it, I revisit in memory and flashbacks as if I'm that age, and I'm there, and so therefore, some I've what I felt then, I feel horribly in the present.

    And, in doing this writing, I believe I must remain balanced, in my mind, between the present and the past, for my families and my survival. And, this thread, is where I'm hoping to turn to when I need to do that. Balance myself! Control my mind, enough to write my story. As I've been shattered and scattered about in thoughts and memory for far to long now, and I'm sick 'n' tired of it.

    I would say that I've had to compartmentalize a great deal in order to survive, but fear that others might think poorly of me. Maybe think that I have multiple personalities. I don't know if this is so, and I doubt it, especially the way multiple personalities is thought of. I once asked the therapist who diagnosed me with PTSD, if he thought I did and he didn't think so. I asked my husband just the other night if he thinks I have MP and he said at first yeah, sure, but then said no he didn't really think so. He did read info. on dissociation and pointed to the depersonalization and said, now that there is like you.

    Well the pains in my guts and the feeling of wanting to vomit has subsided a little now, and I'm going to now continue to march forward in my day, balancing the present with my writing and telling my story of the past, in some sort of order.

    Feeling vulnerable, embarrassed and somewhat anxious with disclosing this here, even somewhat humiliated, but trusting that 'what doesn't kill me will make me stronger.'

    Just for the hell of it.....What do you all know about, or think of multiple personality disorder and how do you honestly think and feel about those who have it?

    Again, I'm not saying I do, I'm just afraid of owning and writing my story and me getting very ill. And, I'm afraid of MPD.

    Hope
     
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  3. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    hang in there, hope.
    i don't know a lot about mpd, my therapist mentioned it to me, too. but she also said something about DID, disociative identity disorder. said that a lot of abused children developed this in childhood--a way to escape. i don't know but that its not just part of ptsd, though.
     
  4. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Hope, I say well done to you for creating a full picture of your story. MPD is not big issue as far as I see it... but that is my opinion. I think MPD is easiere to manage than PTSD.
     
  5. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    I'm hanging in there cookie, and have accomplished some in my efforts to write my story in some order. Anthony, I still have much writing to go. But, I feel good about what I've done so far.

    Now about the MPD, I'm just going to research some. No one has ever said I have it, I just worry, worry, worry sometimes.

    Afraid, bc as it stands it angers me that abusers have no idea of the impact their abuse has on people. Those who have abused, beaten and raped me, never had a clue, or perhaps they could've cared less I don't know. The yrs. of isolation, psychic pain and work that follows, and/or even the threat of maybe needing med's or hospitalization, .......everything ! The whole pkg. deal for crying out loud lives on, perhaps a lifetime after the abuse.

    Again, no one has ever suggested I have MPD, it's just that Why not me?, ...and I worry. I don't ever want something stuck to me that came as the result of them people, that I never did like, agree with, or share their values. As it is I've got PTSD, but this I may have ended up, having never met FOO, bc some of my trauma, was entirely outside their control.
     
  6. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    This truly happens to suck!

    .....and I hate to let you know how I truly feel, but this is it. The work of healing, in itself, sucks, nevermind the trauma. I don't rightly know tonight whether it's some cruel joke, that I'm still alive or a blessing. Inside me....to pull out, put into words and share what's there, is not the place for me to swim around in, and yet if I don't go there and look, well then how else on earth do I ever own it or share it. Tonight it seems some things are better off left unsaid.

    Wow, does my head ache trying to write some more of my story. F'n hurts bad.

    I don't wish to complain tonight, I just want to accomplish more writing. While I'm writing, I'm sometimes questioning why on earth am I doing this. Am I sabotaging family life? Am I making myself so very ill that I'll never again function as I have experienced funct.? Am I punishing myself, and why am I inflicting this pain upon myself writing about it.

    Just simply very confused at this point tonight. I had started to write more, when I succeeded in becoming distracted or lost, as if my head's saying, "Don't you dare go there, and write about that." ....and so a created some complex series of motions, (what I don't know) accomplishing little to nothing more in writing.

    My belly truly, truly aches. I use to get these desires, and cravings to want someone to haul off and punch me in the middle of my gut. That's what I'm again feeling tonight, that urge, and that feeling of need of physical abuse and numbing.

    Am I alright, my god, why am I making myself so ill, wanting to share any of this? Isn't it better left alone, stuffed deeply, to erupt on its own in time, and let nature takes its own course? This sucks, I've tryed writing about this before, and I've never once succeeded without becoming hopelessly depressed, panicked stricken and hospitalized.

    Personally, I'm just mad:mad:... at myself ....very, very frustrated and mad at myself tonight, and confused as all heck.:doh:

    And, I can hear myself fear that others may think I'm full of denial, I'm trying not to be, I'm willing, it's just out of this world scary and painful as all hell. I know I'm doing the very best that i can, I just don't know if I'm doing the right things. Mixed medley of insecurity and sickness tonight.
     
  7. starshine

    starshine Active Member

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    Hi.

    I just wanted to offer a little encouragement and support. I'm on the dissociative spectrum, Complex PTSD/ DD NOS [not full DID] however you want to DSM it... But I do have separate parts of my personality that take over and push me aside, as it were, which I am learning to communicate with and manage.
     
    goingonhope likes this.
  8. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Shaky and nervous tonight

    ......Thanks again, starshine for the support and encouragement. God knows I need it, and thank you.


    I am so shaky and nervous right now, what with writing and looking, and seeing before my eyes the memories, ......yuck. I actually move my shoulders in such a way as to shake the fear off, in the present. Not having a wide range of emotion tonight, just feeling very shaky, fearful and nervous, like I'm doing or having done something wrong, maybe even terribly wrong. I don't feel like I have the right to squeal. Feel ashamed for doing so, even a little anxious that I might be punished for doing so.

    Now this is absurd in the present. Maybe true of the past bc countless troubles it may have caused others, and my own fears. But this certainly is not true of the present....that's silly.
     
  9. wadoo

    wadoo Active Member

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    Hi Goingonhope,

    I too thought I had Multiple personalitles but my therapist put my mind at ease. Still feel multiple but know I haven't got it.

    She said that I have compartmentalised my brain due to multiple traumas in order to survive and that's why you cut out huge chunks as much as decades and that when you remember certain parts of your life then you basically go back to that part of your life and have different thought patterns which makes you feel that you are different people and in actual fact you are because you aren't the same person as when you were 7 as to when you were 15 as to when you were 26 but you can sort of remember what you are doing... You dont like change completely into a different person where you are unaware of it even though you change your mood and sometimes like me I actually change my appearance and look at things in a different light but I still know that i've changed so that makes it not multiple personalities...

    Please correct me if I'm wrong... that's the way that I have taken on board what my therapist tried to explain to me.

    Hope I have helped..
     
    goingonhope likes this.
  10. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    Hi wadoo,

    That's it all the way. Wow! :thumbs-up An explanation, even an answer that makes Perfect sense to me and that I can relate so well with. I'd quote what you said that I both identify with and that helps me a great deal, but then I'd be quoting it all.

    That hits it on the head, and explains it Absolutely as it is for me too, in a nutshell! :smile: THX, so much wadoo.

    ......sincerely goingonhope
     
  11. goingonhope

    goingonhope Member Premium Member

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    I'm cont. to write my story, in as best chrono. order as I'll ever get.

    OMG, What am I doing.........This is very hard. I'm continuing to write my story, taking breaks all along, and I just feel like falling into someone's arms, almost anyone's at this point. LOL...not gonna do it, and not meant sexually.

    I approached my husb. and he was there for about 10 min., him allowing me to lean up against him helped much, but quite honestly, that was plenty for him, as he wants to keep contact snappy tonight. Discuss business, if there is any and then finish and get to sleep.

    If I even breathe a word of my past, at late hours, and too often even throughout the day, he almost panics. I can see and feel his fear and agitation. He's afraid I'll speak for up to an hour. Half the time, I've got less to say about my past, than he thinks. He just fears it. But there are those times too, and he hasn't forgotten them. He's not a past time type of a guy, can't blame him either, he's far more of a present, in the moment type of a guy. Well, he has that luxury. Hooray for him. Well, I don't, just yet.

    I'm struggling daily to manage this alone, for the time being.

    Alone. I can do this! Yes, I can. And, it won't stop me either, 'where there's a will there's a way.' If a 3,4,5 yr. old can get through the shit', painful memories which I'm writing about practically alone, I'll get through this, as I've exhausted all my excuses. Many of which are legitamate, but hell regardless I'll call them excuses, bc I am not postponing this.

    All beyond my husb. contol, he is an almost daily reminder of my father to me, these days.

    And right now, memory of my father is haunting me. Felt such a feeling of safety and freedom, the day that man left this earth. But it didn't last forever, the memories have recreated themselves in my present, intruding whenever they see fit.

    eeeehhhhhh...yuck..........fathers dead, and hopefully on his way to heaven, God Bless him! And, I'M IN FACT SAFE TONIGHT!

    Haven't posted in the trauma section, much of what I've been writing, bc I want to get it in as much chronol. order as possible.

    Waiting and still waiting, after having called, to hear from the mental health dept. for my first therapist appt. As there is a waiting list. Excuse my outburst of anger, for the moment please, but I f'n can't stand, mental health services, and their approach to things.

    Hope
     
  12. wadoo

    wadoo Active Member

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    Hi Hope,

    My God, I was where you are many years ago especially seeing my then husband as my abuser.
    I saw so many therapists and found the best one was a therapist treating PTSD so much more rewarding and helpful.
    All the others helped me to cope and deal with the sexual abuse but not how to cope in day to day life on how to deal with the PTSD but this therapist knows.. she's different.

    I hope things work out with your husband.... My poor husband was there too much for me wanting to know the ins and outs at all times always annalysing me which drove me crazy...

    Take him to therapy with you and ask them to explain to him what your going through... that helps.

    Good luck and stay safe.

    Lorry
     
  13. slhlilbit

    slhlilbit Active Member

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    Hope,
    God bless your heart. You are very brave and i am so proud of you for even trying to get it all out. I have tramas that i still have not felt able to share with anyone yet. im 46 and some are from 43 years ago. I know how hard it is. and how sick it can make you. i also know how it can reun a relationship. im go glad to hear that you and your husband are still togeather. i couldnt have a relationship even with someone i still love. i have tried but i cant get close to anyone. so keep writing and trying to get it all out keeping it in will kill you. i know and am praying for you.
    s.
     
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