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Had PTSD Before I Joined The Army

Discussion in 'General' started by Scott_Fraser, Feb 3, 2007.

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  1. Scott_Fraser

    Scott_Fraser Well-Known Member

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    Hi Friends. I had ptsd before I joined the army at 16, although I didn't know what ptsd was. Let me explain.
    When I was about 7, my mother re-married, and shortly afterwards my Step-father started sexually abusing me, I didn't know what he was doing, but he was touching me below. When I told my mother, she told me not to be so "bloody stupid", and that I was a liar. So anyway, this went on for a few years, also during this time I was being verbally abused as well by both of them, telling me that I was "Stupid" all of the time. It got to a stage where I had such a terrible stammer, that I believed that I was "Stupid", and "Useless" and a "Born Liar".
    It wasn't until my grandmother took me in when I was 11 that the abuse stopped, my gran kind of guest that something was seriously wrong. My Gran and Grandfather, took my mother to task about it, but as usual she said that I was a complete and utter Liar.
    Because of all this going on in my head, my school work fell behind in a big way so much so that when I left school I had no qualifications. My Grandfather served in the Army, so I decided to do the same, to prove people wrong that I wasn't stupid. When I joined up, I started to drink, and drink heavily, it was bottles of sherry that I drank. I'm ashamed to say that I was a drunk at 16.
    Then one afternoon I was down at my usual spot at the canal behind the camp, drinking my bottle of sherry. Then I saw my Platoon Sergeant walking along the bank, and he caught me. I told him what was wrong, and I burst into tears, and out came the whole story. To his eternal credit, and to mine (He could have charged me on the spot). He took me into his family and dried me out. In return, I worked my socks off and stayed off the drink. So much so that after my 2 years training as a junior soldier. That when I was posted to my unit as a chef, I was a full Corporal at 18 and I continued working hard in my new regiment (The Cheshires) that I re-joined them as an infantryman after upping my training. I was a full sergeant at 25, and a CSM at 30.
    My parents died in 1997, just after Cameron was born. And I hoped that they were burning in hell. Not a very Christian thing to say is it? I thought that I was rid of them. But the memories were still there.
    Now I know this will sound very strange, but just before last Christmas I was having a dream, where my mother and step-father were in it, and of course she was still calling me Stupid and a Liar. I was in uniform in this dream. So I pulled out my pistol and executed her with a bullet in the back of the head. And then I turned to him. I made him kneel down and I shot him in just the same way as before, but this time I emptied the whole magazine into him, I wanted to make sure that he was dead and gone.
    The next morning I spoke to Kim about it, Kim studies dreams and so does her friend Margaret. And they told me that I was finishing off the terrible past in the only way I knew how. I have never dreamt about them since then, so I think that I have put this past behind me now.
    I know this has shocked you my friends, but I had to tell you and get it off my chest. I'm crying as I'm writing this, so please excuse me.
    Thanks for listening to me.
    Scott:crybaby: :crybaby: :crybaby:
     
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  3. permban0077

    permban0077 Policy Enforcement Banned

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    Does sound like you have some very deep scars. Good going getting it off your chest. Your hopes of them burning in hell are normal, and that may change over time, who knows? But you made a major leap opening yo, you did well.

    How often do you think about this or does it interfere with your day to day? Seems you may have had that build up before combat stress kicked in to just send you toppling over.
     
  4. Scott_Fraser

    Scott_Fraser Well-Known Member

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    Thanks for your reply Veiled. I can never forgive them for what they did to me, unfortunately I'm not a good christian that way, especially over something like that. I don't know whether that and the combat stress toppled me over, only time will tell.
    Thanks for your kind words, and I've tried not to think about it, the dream that I had, kind of put it behind me and in the past.
    Scott
     
  5. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Scott,

    I'm glad you had a good SGT to help you out. Years of teaching and listening to how parents spoke to their children sometimes (it was a big contributor to leaving the profession) it boggles the mind that someone can say such horrible things to a child. And if the same thing was said to them, they'd turn on the tears and say 'how can you say such hurtful things to me?'

    I hear people talk about forgivness a lot when it comes to the people that hurt you and I honestly don't think I can ever forgive the SOB who molested me and gave me something I have to deal with for the rest of my life because he couldn't keep his hands to himself. It's not like it was a freaking accident or something-he planned this and hurt me. How do you forgive? I don't know. I don't think you're a bad Christian for not forgiving...you're a human being.

    I had a dream where I shot my molester, cut his throat and then his head off *sorry if this is too graphic for some*, but when I told my doctor about it, he said basically the same thing Kim did-it was my brain's way of dealing with it and defending me when I'm able and strong enough now.

    BTW-don't worry about crying while writting. I do it just about every time.
    *hugs*
     
  6. Scott_Fraser

    Scott_Fraser Well-Known Member

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    Hi Marlene. Many thanks for your kind words and thoughts. You are a good friend. Like you I can never forgive something like that. And I never will.
    Thanks for listening to me.
    Much appreciated
    Scott:hello:
     
  7. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Scott, why do you say you had PTSD before you joined the army? What makes you come to that conclusion? Is it because you where sexually abused at a younger age, and that constitutes PTSD?
     
  8. Scott_Fraser

    Scott_Fraser Well-Known Member

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    Hi Anthony. Answer to your question. Yes I think I did, because I was having the terrible dreams about it at the time, and I suppose that was like ptsd, although in those days nobody had really heard of it. I thinks thats why I became a drunk at 16 as well, to blot out the memories. But if it wasn't for my Platoon Sergeant. I think I would have ended up a down and out, or worse.
    I owe an awful lot to him, he helped me when I most needed it.
    I hope that answers your question.
    Scott:hello:
     
  9. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Scott, let me ask you this then please:

    Imagine your standing and looking out at a paddock. Within that paddock, there may be trees, bushes or grass. Which two do you see, what colour are they, and describe each of the two as tall, medium or short in size!
     
  10. Scott_Fraser

    Scott_Fraser Well-Known Member

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    Hi Anthony.
    I see the grass and then the tree's behind the paddock, the grass is green and the trees are green. The size of the paddock is about 1/2 an acre. "Why".
    Scott
     
  11. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    How tall is the grass Scott, short, medium or tall?
     
  12. Scott_Fraser

    Scott_Fraser Well-Known Member

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    Hi Anthony. The grass is short because the horses have been eating it.
    What does this have to do with me being abused when I was young by my step-father. My Psycologist said that it was ptsd, so I don't understand why you are asking me these questions. Writing that thread was upsetting for me, but I had to get it out, as it was tearing me apart. And you asking me these things is upsetting as well.
    Scott
     
  13. anthony

    anthony Renovation Aficionado Founder

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    Scott, the reason I have just asked you this is to show you something, more so to help you actually, because your chasing your tail at present I believe, thinking that everything has to do with combat stress, when in fact it doesn't. The questions I asked you relate to knowing your age of trauma using mental imagery, so yes, I just removed your conscious from the equation, as that is what mental imagery does.

    Your age of trauma is 6 - 8 years old. What that means, is that your combat issues ARE NOT the current cause of your instability or the like, but in fact your most significant trauma is between this age, which you have outlined from being sexually abused. You see, your concerned about going to seek help for military issues, when in fact you need to be seeking help for being sexually abused as a child, as that is the most significant trauma at your subconscious level.

    Now do you see where I am going with this? Your going in the wrong direction with all this combat treatment nonsense, none of it is going to help you, as your not treating the actual real problem, which is the sexual abuse as a child.
     
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