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Hallucinations? Am I The Only One?

Discussion in 'General' started by White0nWhite, Sep 12, 2007.

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  1. White0nWhite

    White0nWhite Member

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    I was wondering if anyone else gets this.

    Now I do remember seeing and hearing things as a child. Seeing random things/monsters crawling up the walls in the dark. But I don't know if it scared me. I don't remember too much- I just remember seeing them.
    But for the past two years now, I hear voices/mumbling when ever there's a white noise. Or I see figures out of the corner of my eye. I'll jump and spin around and see nothing there. My Grandmother told me her sister-in-law (my dad's father's sister) had schizophrenia. But I don't think it's tied to that. I mean I know it's not real. That these are just hallucinations. The voices are just mumbles I hear... when there's a white noise. So I always try to keep the radio or tv on in my room if I'm awake.
    Although, admittedly, my condition is one of the key reasons I work third shift (I stock shelves from 9pm-6am at a home improvement store.) Which, in a way, is ironic, because my dad's been shopping at that store since it opened up 15 years ago. And I like.. avoiding people. Upset customers trigger panic attacks and.. I generally.. am a nocturnal creature.. and I know there's less co-workers on the freight team.. and they too all seem to be a bit anti-social. So there's some kind of "understanding" there if I'm quiet and my over all quirks. So if I see something there, and kind of look freaked out. It attracts no attention and I won't 'scare customers'. Many of my co-workers have their own "war stories". One of them is even on the same medication I take and I try and help her cope with the side effects and "zombie head" it gives her.
    But I think.. as far as the hallucinations go.. as long as I KNOW they're not real I'll be fine. I mean I sometimes am woken up by them, and I'll go downstairs thinking people are talking of have the tv blaring and.. no one's there. The house is dead quiet. I'll return to my bed only to hear them again. I know there's medication for it. But I'm already on Diazepam for the panic attacks, and I don't want to be on anything else. But really, I was wondering if anyone else has this?
     
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  3. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Hi StarHawk, welcome to the forum. I don't recall seeing things when I was a child, but I have had hallucinations since my trauma, which occurred when I was 17. They aren't just vivid flashbacks either. I do have auditory and visual flashbacks, but these go beyond that. I have heard mumbling as you described, and also what sounds like many people talking at once but from a fair distance away, like as if you were standing just outside a crowded party. More commonly though I hear the voices of deceased family members, shouting at me, telling me I'm no good, telling me to kill myself and so on. I also see deceased family members, and other things, such as strange animals and colours. Sometimes I smell things too, blood for example, but that I would say is a flashback to my trauma. I don't have the hallucinations all the time; they are worse when I'm stressed, upset or physically ill. Schizophrenia runs in my family too, but I am diagnosed with severe PTSD with secondary psychosis. My current psychiatrist feels the hallucinations are the result of PTSD psychosis rather than schizophrenia. I don't know if any of that helps but I wanted to let you know you're not the only one.
     
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  4. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Oh and btw, you might be interested to read these 2 threads about hallucinations:

    [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5018.html[/DLMURL]

    [DLMURL]http://www.ptsdforum.org/thread5025.html[/DLMURL]

    They're both about me... written by my family members... but you might find something you relate to.
     
  5. White0nWhite

    White0nWhite Member

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    Thank you for reading and posting Batgirl,... Reading what you said, I don't know how I'd handle seeing or hearing my mother again as she was when I was a child. And anything that happened in school. I mean.. I've been told to try and work in a school with art teachers. But I sweat as soon as I step inside one.

    I sometimes smell things that are not there, candles which I can see connected to my trauma, and other things that can relate to time periods the traumatic events took place. I don't think smells would bother me too much. Just as long as I don't go nuts trying to find the source of the smell and remove it because it's making me remember things.

    I often, more so when I'm extremely stressed out. I'll see this blurred figure out of the corner of my eye;
    To explain this story, I'll have to explain another.. number of stories. See, my on and off again ex-best friend/partner pretty much brainwashed me into believing there were spirits around us, and could possess her and speak to me through her. And that if I believed strongly enough I could see them with my mind's eye. Being a teenager and dying for any form of nurturing(sp) I could get that I didn't get as a child from my mother. I latched onto it. The whole thing ended up turning into a means as to control me, and then a huge drama rama later on when some other people got involved. I no longer believe in it now. Or at least not "him". And as he was described- that's one of the figures I actually -see- now. It wouldn't bother me that much if "he" which in turn was really my friend just acting like someone else. But still, in the back of my head there's still a load of hate and resentment towards "him" or just the idea of his likeness as a whole. Because when my friend would act this spirit out, I would tell him my story, what my mother did. As much as I could remember and how upset and messed up I was.
    My ex-friend/partner/girlfriend *cringe* was female, I'm a girl too. But the entire situation with her has totally turned me off to women like that. I'm only interested in males. But I've never really had time to date anybody, or worked up the self esteem to ask a guy out. Nor the motivation. Considering I have huge issues with being touched. He'd probably get annoyed quickly when snuggling let alone kissing and things took a lot of time....
    Anyway, yeah, so I told "him" everything back when I was a teenager (15-16). But then the dramarama happened and "he" betrayed me. I still, in a way hate "him" for that. I still hold hate for my ex. But him too. Even though- they're the same person.

    Like I was saying, that's what I'm actually seeing out of the corner of my eye now. And I have shouted at him a few times to "go away". I explained this whole thing to my therapist, and she said there's no real way to prove whether or not my ex was channeling him. Or if he was part of her own personality. Or if it was a slur between the two. I'm glad she didn't jump on me with the delusional label, because I often have periods where I become skeptical, still, trying to put the pieces together.

    But that's what I see. And seeing that hallucination scares the living hell out of me. I'm just hoping with all my might he's not real and it's just the crap in my head, or that if he is, he's "sorry" about how poorly my ex represented him. Just really visually seeing it freaks me out.

    Kind of related, but I don't know if this is related to the PTSD. Since things have gotten rough, old spirits- ones only knew about or thought I saw with my mind's eye. Not "him". Ones I dreamed about are coming out of the wood work once again, revisiting me in dreams. Telling me "don't let your legacy end, don't ever commit suicide. You've got too much left to do in this world.." and so on. I debate and remain skeptical. Whatever THAT is.. at least I know it's something positive.
    One night at work, worn out from not sleeping, I saw a snake "swim" in and out of the holes on this floor mat. I kind of thought it was interesting, and knew right off the bat my head was making it up. Took naps during my breaks after that.
     
  6. batgirl

    batgirl I'm a VIP

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    Hi StarHawk, sorry it took me so long to respond again, I'm just recovering from surgery and I'm not on the forum as much as I used to be. I read you are also an artist, and saw the paintings you shared - very cool! And you want to create a graphic novel which is really cool too, I would like to do the same thing actually! I am a comic book penciller/inker by profession, though I'm currently not working because of having cancer treatment. I used to work for Dark Horse Comics.

    Anyways, back to your post. I smell things sometimes too. Usually blood and the smell of gunfire. Auditory hallucinations are most common for me however. That corner out of the eye thing does sound really creepy. I've had similar experiences, where I think I see something out of the corner of my eye, though it's never the same thing. For me, it usually happens when I'm overtired and haven't had enough sleep.

    I'm not sure about the spirit world either; like you, I remain skeptical. Sometimes I think I see the ghosts of my family members, or they visit me in dreams, but other times I think it's just part of my illness, or lack of sleep. Whatever the cause, I try not to feel embarrassed or ashamed about it. There are other people here who have various hallucinations too, just they are embarrassed or afraid to admit it. So don't feel bad or strange. You're actually extremely brave to have brought it up so soon after joining the forum.
     
  7. ryair

    ryair Active Member

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    Starhawk,
    I dont have PTSD, I am a carer. I know my Tonka (who has PTSD) took comfort in the fact that although I do not have PTSD, I do have olfactory memories in which I smell blood. This is due to an event in my life.
    It is actually very common to not just experience a sensory memory, but be struck by the emotion that memory holds.
    With Tonka, it is the emotion that is hardest to deal with, and he no longer worries so much that he is "crazy", even if the memory that goes with it is not entirely accurate, or even a distortion of the actual event.
    Pehaps by focusing on your emotions at the time, not so much the sensory "memory", you will find them easier to handle? I know Tonka found this easier, and gained a much better understanding of himself as a result.
    I hope this helps?
    Ryair:thumbs-up
     
  8. rob4444

    rob4444 Active Member

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    hi..i used to sense someone sitting on my left..id always turn left to aknowledge them or go to say something to them....but no one was there?....this only happened a few months when i first was diagnosed and sought attention,and has since gone?!?
     
  9. No-Twitch-Tabitha

    No-Twitch-Tabitha Well-Known Member

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    OMG, yes! Like sometimes I'll think the phone is ringing, or that someone said something in general (if I'm in company). It is the strangest thing, and since my oldest sister was alternately diagnosed with schizophrenia or bipolar disorder, I never breathed a word about to a soul for fear that I was cracking up.

    I think in my case, it's a bit of the reason why I feel paranoid much of the time. It's that hypervigilance (after having survived a trauma) that gets the psyche going; when's the axe going to fall?
     
  10. White0nWhite

    White0nWhite Member

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    Wow... I didn't really expect this many replies.. or know that a few of you guys and girls have it as well.. it helps a lot. I mean I'm not saying it's "good". It's just.. better knowing I'm not coming down with the schizophrenia my great-aunt had.
    Thank you.

    Batgirl
    the figure I see out if the corner of my eye.. though creepy. It feels so much better having more people know about it now... I mean even if no one here really knows me outside of the forum. And.. I know it can't hurt me. Whatever it is.
    As for the spirit world. I just need to keep one foot in reality, remain skeptical at all times. But maybe.. find comfort in whatever it is... it's positive.

    Ryair
    Thanks, I'll be taking you advise :3.

    Rob
    Do you mean after you sought attention (therapy?) it vanished?

    Tabitha
    Aye... I get paranoid a lot too. I wish I could come up with more to say. Going on one of my "not sleeping well" periods. x.x;
     
  11. ryair

    ryair Active Member

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    Starhawk,
    You will definately find you are not alone!!!! This forum is awesome, as are the people on it:thumbs-up
    Check out the sleep section, there's some great info there that might help you out!
    Ryair xxx
     
  12. rob4444

    rob4444 Active Member

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    not sure if therapy helped it or it stopped by other means...it only happened for a few months of a 40 year disorder.....another freaky but very nice thing to happen,was my dead girlfriend,who died on my birthday after celebrations,came to me..face only vision...very real..smiling..beaming with warmth...this happened on the night of my birthday/her death for several years...not a nightmare..a beautiful warm dream....occasionaly i still get the feeling shes watching.....sure,i know its just a symptom of grief,but at least it was a positive one for a change....
     
  13. Seeking_Nirvana

    Seeking_Nirvana I'm a VIP

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    I'm glad I read this because I have had auditory and visual hallucinations. I went most of my life with having only a few. But since I had a nervous breakdown over a month ago I've been constantly hearing that annoying merry-go-round music (or) the kind you hear when you wind up those old jewelry boxes and then open up the lid and the ballerina spins. I hate that music and I hate those jewelry boxes!

    Right after I got out of the hospital I was in the store and I heard some one laughing. I looked around and there is no one there. This just adds to my anxiety and paranoia because my brother has schizophrenia. My doctors are ruling schizophrenia out and "think" it's related to the PTSD and intrusive though behavior disorder. I hope these noises dissipate soon.

    Tammy
     
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