There was only one time that I genuinely wanted to die.
The rest of the time I believe was less "I want to die" than it was not knowing what else to do. I lost count of the number of overdoses. Once with a razor. Once a real nifty self-strangulation I figured out with a phone charger when I was on the wards (place was pretty well suicide-proofed); also tied a shoelace very tight round my neck then tried to sleep through it. I've stood over the railings of a motorway bridge a handful of times; twice been talked down by police, once been dragged down (but I only started to jump when I knew I would be caught I think). When I was self-medicating with alcohol I would throw myself into traffic.
I still get thoughts and I kind of have a plan (one I don't have any intention of going through with in the near future). It's sort of like a failsafe. If my thoughts start going that way particularly strongly I say to myself that I can only listen to the thoughts if I do it like I planned. It involves a very long drive to a very long drop with a very uncomfortable landing, and is quite likely to succeed. If I don't feel like I could do it, then there must be more of a benefit to staying alive despite whatever difficulty I'm experiencing at the time. Plus it being far away gives me a chance to reconsider if it ever happens.
The rest of the time I believe was less "I want to die" than it was not knowing what else to do. I lost count of the number of overdoses. Once with a razor. Once a real nifty self-strangulation I figured out with a phone charger when I was on the wards (place was pretty well suicide-proofed); also tied a shoelace very tight round my neck then tried to sleep through it. I've stood over the railings of a motorway bridge a handful of times; twice been talked down by police, once been dragged down (but I only started to jump when I knew I would be caught I think). When I was self-medicating with alcohol I would throw myself into traffic.
I still get thoughts and I kind of have a plan (one I don't have any intention of going through with in the near future). It's sort of like a failsafe. If my thoughts start going that way particularly strongly I say to myself that I can only listen to the thoughts if I do it like I planned. It involves a very long drive to a very long drop with a very uncomfortable landing, and is quite likely to succeed. If I don't feel like I could do it, then there must be more of a benefit to staying alive despite whatever difficulty I'm experiencing at the time. Plus it being far away gives me a chance to reconsider if it ever happens.