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Have I Blocked Something Terrible Out From My Past?

Discussion in 'Discussion' started by Res, Dec 25, 2009.

  1. Res

    Res New Member

    I have been known to do it before. Just as I entered middle school, my parents got divorced and I got bullied severely for the next couple of years. This caused me to develop Post Trammatic Stress Disorder (among other anxiety disorders). Until a year ago, my memory was really bad. I couldn't really remember much of what had happened over the past 5 years. My brain was automatically repressing all of my memories and emotions. But a year ago my memories started coming back to me. I had finally found someone who I felt I could be myself around, and who I thought would never hurt me. So now I remember a lot from those past years, but apparently I didn't remember everything. My mother told me after my memories had returned, that after they announced the divorce, I began failing every single one of my classes, and she needed to come into school everyday and talk to a counceler to keep me from being held back. I don't remember this happening at all. I remember failing one of my classes, but not all of them. I was sure I was passing. But apparently not. So I know that there are some gaps in my memory still.

    I'm a very sexual person, and have some extremely odd turn-ons. I love the idea of rape, being forced to do something. Anything regarding force will turn me on. And I have an unusual attraction for pedophiles (probably because I was corrupted by pedophiles online when I was 12.) I'm into so many odd things, that I've had numerous people wonder how I could have become this way. I mean, I have a higher sex drive than any man I've ever met. My boyfriend has suggested that maybe something happened in my past, that I blocked out. I do remember there being a time where I felt uncomfortable around my own father, worried that he might do something to me, but the fear gradually diminished when I realized that he wouldn't. But I keep on wondering what triggered that odd fear... What happened before then?

    Then yesterday, I was talking to my boyfriend about all the different disorders I've ever thought I've had. And as I got younger and younger, I hit a point when I was 11-13 years old, and I had a major fear of being touched. A phobia. I couldn't stand being touched by my own parents even. Just hugging made me very anxious. And I think there must have been a reason for that. I loved my parents very much, even after the divorce, I was never mad at them for it. Just sad that I couldn't live with both of them anymore. So I don't think they were the cause. It must have been something else.

    I have a lots of the symptoms of being sexually abused... but I don't remember anything like that ever happening. I just remember an irrational fear of something happening (this fear existed before I started talking to pedos online.) And I know that I've blocked out memories before. So it's not unlikely that I could have blocked something else out...

    I guess I'm just wondering if sexual abuse seems the likely choice, or if the fact that I was being bullied so much caused me to not want to be touched by anyone, even my own parents? And then was it just the pedophiles that I talked to online that made me develop such an odd list of paraphilias? And do I just naturally have a very high sex drive?
  2. eyebiter

    eyebiter New Member

    Just wanted to say welcome to the form...I will let someone more qualified than me respond to you questions. I am sure you will meet a lot of nice people on the forum, as I have
  3. Pixie

    Pixie New Member

    Hi Res, nice to meet you.

    I don't think any of us can really give you an "answer" to the question you have asked. This would need to be worked through slowly with a qualified therapist... but is it possible? Yes... it is possible.

    Rell
  4. his_swallow

    his_swallow New Member

    I am certainly not a professional but I have a few memories of being molested as a child - around 8. I too have odd sexual fantasies that are similar to yours. Whether the two are connected or not, I don't know because I haven't been brave enough to tell anyone about them.

    I hope you find your answers
  5. Res

    Res New Member

    Thank you for your replies. :) I really appreciate them.

    Do you think I should see a therapist about my high sexuality at least, since it could be related to to abuse as a child?
  6. She Cat

    She Cat VIP Member

    I assume that you were diagnosed with PTSD by either a psychiatrist, or a qualified therapist... That being said, did you ever engage in therapy with them???? Do you have other symptoms that are bothersome to you with dealing with PTSD, or is it strictly the sexual part that is bothering you?????
  7. tiredmomma

    tiredmomma New Member

    Hello Res,

    Your thread title caught my eye and I knew I had to read this post. I was diagnosed with PTSD about a year ago, and I can relate to a lot of what you've talked about here. I too was worried about being afflicted with several different disorders, especially hypochondria! Bi-polar, depression, some sort of muscular disorder, and to be honest, finding out I have PTSD, and learning about it's wide scope of physical/mental problems, was not really much of a relief. I still worry from time to time, or wonder which aspect of PTSD will rear it's ugly head this day...

    I too have had a very high sex drive my whole life - sometimes I think that sex is my way of feeling love and security in a relationship - sometimes I think it just feels great so it's a good pick me up when otherwise you feel tense or stressed or just plain bad.

    I too disliked being touched, and still go through times or just certain people I cannot stand touching me, or certain ways. No doubt these are triggers, for me anyways - reminders of traumas, some obvious, some hidden or repressed.

    I too am still not 100% certain of what happened to me at the hands of my father, and others, in my childhood. Something happened. The details are so vague, at times it is maddening, at times it is a relief to not know. One thing that I did was "free writing" (not sure if that’s what it is called exactly) I wrote without thinking, I wrote the sensations and traces of memories, what I felt was "wrong" or out of place or just made my skin crawl. This helped me realize and affirm my feelings of being abused sexually.

    I too was a victim of online pedo’s, and did go through some time of feeling rape or violent sex was a turn on of mine (which I was repulsed by). I felt that feeding these desires was unhealthy, that desiring "rape-play" was a desire to gain some control over what happened to me (which is good) but that re-inactions of it was not the way to heal or gain control. I think those fantasies are the healthy, resilient mind's way of wanting to heal, and you should seek out healthy ways to do that.

    Some women have high sex drives, for sure, but I think it's important that you try to examine your reasons for wanting sex.

    Erin
  8. Res

    Res New Member

    She Cat, I was diagnosed by a psychologist, and saw him on a weekly basis for about 6 months. I was seeing him because I was having crying spells for no apparent reason. I wasn't feeling any emotion when they'd come on, and they'd come on in completely random scenarios. For example, I'd be at school, walking down the halls, and felt like I needed to cry. Like there was pressure on my eyes. I was able to prevent myself from crying, but it was still really weird and bothersome. So I made an appointment with a psychologist, and after he realized that I was having no negative thoughts to trigger the feeling, he diagnosed me with PTSD. It was like all the emotion that I had been suppressing for the past 5 years was coming out, and I had no control over it. He explained that my social anxiety is a side effect of the PTSD as well. But he never taught me ways to end the crying spells. He just always wanted me to talk to him when I was there, so I stopped going after it seemed like he didn't help. Although, I'm seeing a psychiatrist again for mood problems, and have been diagnosed with cyclothymia (a weak version of bipolar disorder).

    Right now, what's bothering me is the sexual part. I mean, I love the way I am. I love how sexual I am. But it bothers me when my boyfriend suggests that I might have been abused when I was younger, and I sort of agree with him (only I can't remember anything like that ever happening). I tried to just dismiss the possibility, saying, "I don't remember anything ever happening so it didn't. I'm just so sexual because of what the people online said to me." But then I remembered how I had a fear of being touched around the time when my PTSD developed, and that really scared me because it seemed to only enforce the idea that I was abused. Pedos online couldn't have touched me and thus made me afraid of all people, so someone else must have done it. And I know that I have blocked out other traumatic events as well so it's completely likely that I blocked out an event of molestation. I also never had bleeding when I had sex. I used to finger myself plenty back in the day, so that could have very well broke my hymen, but then why didn't I ever find blood on my fingers? If I had I'm sure I would have freaked out so much that I wouldn't have touched myself down there again for a long while. My ex was suspicious that I'd had sex before, or been molested as a child, as well (and I lost my virginity to him). So it seems like the two people who I've ever been in a serious intimate relationship with have suspected child abuse. And I've also suspected it as well, but have no memories of something like that ever happening so I'm not sure.


    Erin, I don't know why I want to have sex so much. With cylcothymia, I seem to have very strong sexual impulses. And even if I don't mentally want sex, my body says another thing and I almost always end up pursuing it. I feel like I have no control over my body sometimes... When I do desire sex though... I don't know why I desire it. Something turned me on, and now all of a sudden I want it so badly that I'd do anything for it. Sometimes if I'm in a sad mood, I'll want to be abused sexually. I'm a sado-masochist, so I enjoy pain, as well as seeing others in pain. The pain is like a way of punishing myself... For what? I don't know. I just feel like I need to be punished. Othertimes I like just feeling like I have no control over what happens to me. Actually, 50% of the time this is what I enjoy. It's very rare for me to want to be beat up though. (My boyfriend never really hurts me though. He'll just spank or whip me lightly. And he doesn't enjoy doing it either. He just does it for me, because it's what I feel I need.) I orgasm a lot when having sex, so I do enjoy it a lot. I won't stop having it until I'm satisfied. Maybe it's the good feeling in sex that I want? But even if I'm soar and know that it'll hurt, I keep on pushing for it. So I'm not sure.

    The idea of rape-play being a way to have control over what happened to you is interesting. When I think about someone actually raping me (and think about it realistically) I get terrified. Less than a year ago, I was at a gas station late at night and had to pay inside with cash. When I left the building a man followed me. He looked a bit gangsta, and was out with another one of his friends, and I was terrified. I jumped and turned around, and he headed off towards his car. But he was staring at me a lot. I was relieved when the two men left, while I fueling my car. But I thought they were going to rape me. And since then I won't go to a gas station at night by myself. I won't go anywhere at night by myself for that matter. I'm always so cautious and expecting of the worse now. I never seemed to have a fear of rape before. But this guy triggered it in me, and now when I think about getting raped it scares me. But I guess I feel safe with my boyfriend, so I enjoy being ravished by him. But I wouldn't want anybody else to do that to me. (Just a couple of years ago though, the idea of being raped by anyone didn't really scare me, but rather turned me on.)

    This just reminded me of something else though, that I'm not sure is connected or not. I used to have an irrational fear of a burglar breaking into our apartment. It scared me more than anything else, and when I was in middle school I often times found myself sleeping with my mother because I couldn't stand to be in my room alone. This fear disappeared by the end of middle school, when we'd moved into a house, but I continued to have nightmares about men breaking into my room and raping me. And even though the idea of being raped has been turning me on all these years, whenever I have a dream of someone raping me, it becomes a nightmare. Any other sexual dream I usually encourage, but this just terrifies me, and I'll often find myself waking up in tears.

    I also feel like if something did happen to me, it might be better if I don't remember what exactly. But I'd like to be certain if something actually happened or not. It'd be ridiculous for me to be worrying about this so much if nothing happened though. Or for me to even say that something happened when it really didn't.
  9. Res

    Res New Member

    Right now I'm thinking, "Does it really matter if something happened? I don't think it does... but then why is this bugging me so much?" I would like to ask you guys if you think it's important for me to know the truth, but even if you said it wasn't, it probably wouldn't change how much this is eating at me. I don't think I'll be able to stop obsessing over it until I'm sure or have decided on if it happened or not.
  10. tiredmomma

    tiredmomma New Member

    Hello Res,

    A couple things come to mind after reading your post. 1, the brain's emotional systems do not fully mature until around age 21. I know for me, I noticed a great improvement in a lot of my symptoms and self control and what-not at say age 22 versus age 19 (when I was a complete mess and had no idea why). I hope that this information helps; I know it comforted me to realize that some of my rash behaviours when I was younger where due to a lack of physically maturity (in the brain).

    The other thing that comes to mind is the knowledge that many women's repressed memories strike them at later ages such as in their 30's. I think the reason behind this is because 1. you're body and mind will not release information to you unless you are ready to handle it. 2. for many people it is around the 30's when life becomes stable and happy. Their career is well established, they are settled in a stable relationship - those sorts of situations allow for the body and brain to relax and say "ok, now you can deal with this" - whatever "this" may be for you. You cannot and should not force yourself to remember. If something happened, you will probably deal with and remember enough of it when it is time.

    Have you done any looking into sex addiction? I worry about your statement about needing it, about feeling such a pressure to have it, that to me sounds like an addict needing a fix.

    Have you been tested for O.C.D.?

    Erin
  11. Pixie

    Pixie New Member

    Hi Res

    Firstly, I really applaud you for being so open honey. That is one thing that I am not very good at with this type of discussion.

    BUT, I wanted to let you know that I have, in some ways, been where you are right now. I used to wonder what happened in my life before the age of 10. The things that I used to think about (i.e. the rape stuff etc) started for me so early and yet I had no memory of anything like that happening to me. I was in the "old days" where there was no internet BUT I did have a stalker (who also turned out to have actually done stuff with me...) who used to call obsessively to discuss sex, and when I was not allowed to answer the phone anymore, he kept calling...

    Anyway, what I'm saying is, that as I slowly became aware of the things in my past and the earlier abuse, it was (and still is) so difficult to accept. I am hellbent on discovering the truth of my past almost to obsession but that is simply because I don't remember and for me, it is like a driving force and I do it because I... must.

    The first breakthrough to remembering some of my past abuse that had remained hidden was while I was looking through family photos. The second I saw it, I triggered badly but still had no real idea of why this guy bothered me so much. It wasn't until a week later that my mind decided to show me why and I spent 45 minutes of my train ride home in this flashback... repeated over and over.

    Anyway, I just wanted to explain a little about my situation in the hope that it may help.

    I am still searching for my truth, getting verification and finding out facts etc... as I must... but it is a difficult journey... and one that will likely take years and years.

    Rell
  12. sonya09

    sonya09 New Member

    Hi Res,
    I totally understand where you are at. I'm a girl and have the same 'strange' turn-ons but just like you, have NO memory of being sexually abused. My dad was controlling and my ex husband abusive but you think that would turn me away from wanting to be pinned down, raped, etc. I am proud of you for writing this all out. I haven't had the guts to tell anyone about this, I don't want to hear someone tell me I'm weird and at the same time....it makes me feel so guilty because people ARE raped and it's such a terrible experience. Also, just like you said, I dabbled in the life of a pedophile. My high school drivers ed instructor would touch me and make me drive to dark apartment complex parking lots and make out with him. Once again, you would think this would make me run from it, but it still turns me on. I know all that stuff is wrong and horrible to everyone else but I guess we are different? It all just makes me feel crazy, so I just stuff those turn-ons down. Thank you for posting your thread and opening up about that. It makes me feel alot better. Have a great rest of the weekend.
  13. Res

    Res New Member

    Erin, yeah, that does help.

    I figured that I'd probably remember eventually. I just thought that I was already healed and had remembered everything, until my mother told me the story about failing classes in middle school. Then I knew that there were still some areas that were blocked. But, I'm at least happier than I've ever been in my life, and a lot of my memories have come back to me, and I've stopped repressing emotions and memories. So I've healed a lot. I feel human again. I guess I haven't healed completely though. It's good to know that it will happen someday though, when things become more stable and my body thinks I can handle it.

    I've sort of thought I've had a sex addiction, or at least am completely obsessed with it. But when I look at the typical story of a sex addicted woman (needing sex so badly that she'll even cheat on her parter or something along those lines) I think that I can't have that, since the only way I impulse on sex is with my boyfriend. I would never do anything to jeopardize our relationship. But if I can't have sex with him, or go without sex for so long, I do tend to obsess about something sex related (whether it's watching videos of To Catch a Predator or just talking to people about my fetishes or looking at lots of porn). At the moment I'm obsessing about having sex with a woman (I'm bi-curious) and am also hoping to find a willing one to have a threesome with. My boyfriend is encouraging of this, since he'd like to have a threesome as well, and we've been talking about doing something like this for ages. But as soon as we have sex again, the obsession ends and I feel no need to actively pursue it. By the next day I'm horny again though, and the search is back on. Many times I also feel like a nymph... Like today we had sex three times and although I orgasmed a lot (around 20 times?) I was not satisfied until I was so soar that we couldn't do it again (and probably shouldn't do it for a couple more days). I'm not sure if this sounds like I have an addiction or not, still. Something else to consider is that sometimes I turn into a completely different person it seems. It's like a switch is flipped and I'm out of control. I'll do anything to get it. While other times I don't really want it, but make my boyfriend turned on enough anyways that we end up having it.

    I have not been tested for OCD. And I doubt I have it. The only obsessive symptoms I have are usually me obsessing over a medical problem of mine. Sometimes I can be anal about other things though, but my boyfriend seems to have more symptoms of OCD than I do, and he hasn't been diagnosed with it. Should this be something that I should talk to my psychiatrist about though?

    Thanks.
  14. Res

    Res New Member

    Pixie, it's comforting to know that other people have gone through this (although it's sad that they must). And it's good to know that I'm not the only one obsessing over this either. I really hope that you find some answers someday.

    sonya09, I too feel guilty about my rape paraphilia. I mean, I know that people get raped in real life, and it's a horrible act of crime! But when I watch a movie and someone gets raped in it (or almost raped) I get so turned on. It used to be that even the idea of me actually getting raped would turn me on. I'd masturbate to fantasies of it, but than I had that scare at the gas station and don't like the idea of being raped by anyone other than my boyfriend anymore. I still masturbate to fantasies of it, but my boyfriend is always there, or it's another person being raped by some random dude. Any sort of rape fantasy (that is not reality and don't not involve in the person dying) turns me on though, as long as I'm not in it, I guess. It doesn't matter how disturbing the scenario, I love it.

    My mother once found that I'd made a video of sexual positions on an online game called WOW, and one of the positions I called "Rape" because the person was not consenting to it. And she had this long discussion with me about how I should be scared to even think about rape! But I generally am not... I felt so bad and like something was wrong with me. The only way that I can even achieve orgasm while masturbating is to think that a girl is being forced to do something. She can never be willing or enjoying it. She needs to be in pain... humiliated... And she needs to be raped by a man. I think it's so weird that this is what turns me on. I never thought it was normal. I mean, many women have rape fantasies... but to this extent?
  15. Pixie

    Pixie New Member

    The below may trigger. It explains the association between abuse and this specific symptom...

    I have been thinking about this discussion a lot and it reminded me of a discussion recently that I participated in elsewhere (not on this forum). It is not unusual for a survivor of sexual abuse to suffer this symptom. To quickly explain, when the body is aroused during abuse, the body is simply responding as it is designed to do during (ahem) stimulation. Unfortunately, where this arousal occurs as a result of a sick, twisted perp and is coupled with pain, rape, humiliation, torture etc... the "normal" processes by which the body learns to respond is broken and re-wired to only be aroused with these things.

    For those who have not been through this, it is a very difficult thing to understand and comprehend. The victim lives with the shame and humiliation at the body's response to these things which in actual fact, are the legacy given us by those who used the vulnerable for their evil designs. It is one of the things that is rarely discussed, even in forums specifically for survivors of childhood sexual abuse as the shame runs deep.

    Res, I would suggest that you may find out in time why you are wired the way you are. I am not suggesting that the above is the ONLY way this re-wiring can happen but there will be a reason honey and a therapist should be able to help you find it.

    Rell
    Tiger Kitten likes this.
  16. Supression_fail

    Supression_fail New Member

    I'm the same way. I got bullied, raped, name called, neglected, ect ect. And yet me biggest arousal triggers and being bit, my hair being pulled, being thrown around, pinned down, things that happened with the trauma in my life. Anything nice said to me doesn't hold anything near the weight of a flaw being pointed out, or something I didn't do, ect. Like I can't be fully happy and need to be degraded to feel whole. As I'm sure there's others here who feel the same way. And if someones doesn't do it for me, I do it to myself. All we can do it try to work through it and reprogram in a more healthy way I think. I also feel the need for constant sex. We might confuse that with someone caring for us when they might really not. I'm usually the one getting denied in my relationships. lol.
  17. tiredmomma

    tiredmomma New Member

    Personally, I wanted a full scope of psychological testing, firstly to know what my personal demons are, and secondly to know what they are not! PTSD is such a multi-faceted disorder, it really can manifest in so many different ways! Knowing my test, for example, can back negative for OCD, made me stop worrying over whether I had it or I was just a perfectionist, and knowing I was just a perfectionist helped me gain control over those behaviours because I knew it was just my own fussiness and not a disorder in itself.

    Pixie I think that it IS very important knowledge you've posted. I think that the issue this addresses is probably the most concerning to a lot of abuse survivors. I just wanted to back up your post, we definatly learned about this in psych class, in essence it is how any fetish is born, there are lots of studies with lab rats you can research if you wish to learn more.

    Res - have you talked to your pyschiatrist about your sexuality concerns? Or perhaps have you considered some blood work at your doctor's office to test for any hormones etc that may be out of whack?

    Erin
  18. Res

    Res New Member

    Erin, I haven't talked to my doctor about how sexual I am because I actually like the way I am. I like how perverted I am (but than again, I tend to get turned on just by knowing that a person is sick and perverted). I'm worried that if I talk to a doctor about this, they'll try to change me, when all I really want to know is what caused this. Or maybe ways to control my urges when they can't be satisfied. I would really like to talk to a doctor about this stuff though. I'm just really afraid that they will force me to change the way that I am somehow.

    And as for hormone testing, I'm pretty confident that my hormones are out of wack. I used to have PMDD, and would be sick for half of the month just because of hormonal issues. Now I'm on Yaz though, and I don't have PMDD or PMS anymore. But I can tell that I still have a very high level of some hormone. It explains why I orgasm so easily (I don't need physical contact to orgasm sometimes, if I'm turned on enough) and why I have such a high sex drive. I mean, I have a higher sex drive than anyone I've ever met... And by far more fetishes than anyone as well.

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