I have been known to do it before. Just as I entered middle school, my parents got divorced and I got bullied severely for the next couple of years. This caused me to develop Post Trammatic Stress Disorder (among other anxiety disorders). Until a year ago, my memory was really bad. I couldn't really remember much of what had happened over the past 5 years. My brain was automatically repressing all of my memories and emotions. But a year ago my memories started coming back to me. I had finally found someone who I felt I could be myself around, and who I thought would never hurt me. So now I remember a lot from those past years, but apparently I didn't remember everything. My mother told me after my memories had returned, that after they announced the divorce, I began failing every single one of my classes, and she needed to come into school everyday and talk to a counceler to keep me from being held back. I don't remember this happening at all. I remember failing one of my classes, but not all of them. I was sure I was passing. But apparently not. So I know that there are some gaps in my memory still.
I'm a very sexual person, and have some extremely odd turn-ons. I love the idea of rape, being forced to do something. Anything regarding force will turn me on. And I have an unusual attraction for pedophiles (probably because I was corrupted by pedophiles online when I was 12.) I'm into so many odd things, that I've had numerous people wonder how I could have become this way. I mean, I have a higher sex drive than any man I've ever met. My boyfriend has suggested that maybe something happened in my past, that I blocked out. I do remember there being a time where I felt uncomfortable around my own father, worried that he might do something to me, but the fear gradually diminished when I realized that he wouldn't. But I keep on wondering what triggered that odd fear... What happened before then?
Then yesterday, I was talking to my boyfriend about all the different disorders I've ever thought I've had. And as I got younger and younger, I hit a point when I was 11-13 years old, and I had a major fear of being touched. A phobia. I couldn't stand being touched by my own parents even. Just hugging made me very anxious. And I think there must have been a reason for that. I loved my parents very much, even after the divorce, I was never mad at them for it. Just sad that I couldn't live with both of them anymore. So I don't think they were the cause. It must have been something else.
I have a lots of the symptoms of being sexually abused... but I don't remember anything like that ever happening. I just remember an irrational fear of something happening (this fear existed before I started talking to pedos online.) And I know that I've blocked out memories before. So it's not unlikely that I could have blocked something else out...
I guess I'm just wondering if sexual abuse seems the likely choice, or if the fact that I was being bullied so much caused me to not want to be touched by anyone, even my own parents? And then was it just the pedophiles that I talked to online that made me develop such an odd list of paraphilias? And do I just naturally have a very high sex drive?
I'm a very sexual person, and have some extremely odd turn-ons. I love the idea of rape, being forced to do something. Anything regarding force will turn me on. And I have an unusual attraction for pedophiles (probably because I was corrupted by pedophiles online when I was 12.) I'm into so many odd things, that I've had numerous people wonder how I could have become this way. I mean, I have a higher sex drive than any man I've ever met. My boyfriend has suggested that maybe something happened in my past, that I blocked out. I do remember there being a time where I felt uncomfortable around my own father, worried that he might do something to me, but the fear gradually diminished when I realized that he wouldn't. But I keep on wondering what triggered that odd fear... What happened before then?
Then yesterday, I was talking to my boyfriend about all the different disorders I've ever thought I've had. And as I got younger and younger, I hit a point when I was 11-13 years old, and I had a major fear of being touched. A phobia. I couldn't stand being touched by my own parents even. Just hugging made me very anxious. And I think there must have been a reason for that. I loved my parents very much, even after the divorce, I was never mad at them for it. Just sad that I couldn't live with both of them anymore. So I don't think they were the cause. It must have been something else.
I have a lots of the symptoms of being sexually abused... but I don't remember anything like that ever happening. I just remember an irrational fear of something happening (this fear existed before I started talking to pedos online.) And I know that I've blocked out memories before. So it's not unlikely that I could have blocked something else out...
I guess I'm just wondering if sexual abuse seems the likely choice, or if the fact that I was being bullied so much caused me to not want to be touched by anyone, even my own parents? And then was it just the pedophiles that I talked to online that made me develop such an odd list of paraphilias? And do I just naturally have a very high sex drive?