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Have You Ever Killed Anyone?

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GummiBear

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I have. I hit a pedestrian with my truck. Going 55 mph out in the country roads. It was an accident, I didn't see him in time. I wasn't drunk. I was an 18 year old kid..... holy crap! Just a freaking baby!

14 years ago this happened. I am hoping to find someone else who situation is similar to mine.
Have you ever killed anyone? In a car accident? Or any other situation? I have wanted, craved, needed to get to know someone who is like me in regards to that. For 14 years I have been looking for someone who knows what it is like.

My jaw is quivering and body going into the shakes even talking about it. Hate this anxiety physical crap. I guess this is where therapy is going to help me.
 
GummiBear,

Are you getting any help in dealing with this?

It’s never happened to me but I imagine I would have a really, really difficult time dealing with it on my own.
 
Though my circumstances are different than yours as a combat veteran, the end result is the same for me. I'm not really sure if you find my case similiar or helpful to yours at all, but if you wish I am here to vent or share ideas/feelings. I too get the shakes when I think or talk about it too much, apparently its a physical reaction to the traumatic event.
 
I am currently in a program right now. This is the first time that I am working specifically on PTSD. We are using the Seeking Safety book. I saw a therapist a few times after the wreck, for about 4 months four years later, then I ended stop going. Recently I witnessed a car accident, where no one was hurt but it brought up so many emotions I knew I needed help so I reached out. My situation is different I think now due to my sons. I want to make sure I am healthy for them and never endanger them or scar them emotionally.

Spoo, how are you doing? How long ago were you in combat? My hubby is a combat vet as well. So we are quite a pair at home :p
 
I hit a 16 year old kid when I was 19. I was only going 35 but the car flung him through the air and he landed on the pavement on his head. His Mom came to the scene and was screaming "If my son dies I'm going to kill you!" He died.

Later, I was an Infantry Platoon Leader in the middle of the 1968 Tet Offensive. I both gave orders that resulted in people being killed and killed people myself. There were stages. At first it was just Cowboys and Indians, killing the bad guys, getting body count. Then the awareness of killing real people seeped in. Then the intense anger of having to kill others to survive. And eventually the deep satisfaction of surviving each encounter.

Ted
 
Hi Ted, Thanks for sharing. Did you get help after your first wreck? When did you get diagnosed with PTSD? Do you have flashbacks, memories or triggers with regards to any of the killings?

My wreck was right at the end of dusk. I was on a country road following a horse trailer, they swerved and I couldnt see what was happening until it was too late. I drove a pickup truck so he didn't hit the windshield just the grill... He flew forward several yards, but the wave of blood sure hit the window. Now to this day when rain spatters the window I am reminded of that sound and moment.

And eventually the deep satisfaction of surviving each encounter.

When I read this sentence it really hit home for one thing. My hubby who is a combat vet with PTSD as well had expressed something similar to me many many times.
 
No, the traffic accident was in 1965, well before ptsd (the clinical category). The only advice I got was not to tell anyone how much insurance my father carried so the insurance company could make a quick, minimal settlement. I was diagnosed with ptsd (due to combat) in 1984 when the VA did the outreach program.

In the accident I was driving a 1964 Corvair with a 4-speed. The front of the car cut his legs out from under him and laid him out on the hood. Just as his head smashed the windshield in front of me the brakes took hold and the car threw him maybe 15 feet in the air and way forward. I can still hear his head hitting the window and watch him flying through the air. I can still hear his mom screaming at me. The images and sounds don't go away. When I hit a bump I didn't see I still have a brief flash of the feeling I just hit somebody. I have learned when I have that feeling, immediately verify and reassure myself it was just a bump. No body in the mirror, or flying through the air. In addition, I have learned when thoughts about the accident intrude, at the first opportunity find a safe place and process the thoughts. Processing means validate the thoughts (yes that really did happen) emphasizing that I had no intent of that happening and that I didn't do anything wrong. Processing eventually reduces the intensity of the feelings that can be triggered related to that incident and living with ptsd becomes more manageable.

It is very good for me to retell incidents in a safe environment. We need to retell and retell in a safe environment.

They have recently discovered an attachment to chromosomes that is involved in the memory process in a way that results in the memory (both cognitive and emotional aspects) being modified each time it is recalled. Thus there is the potential for managing memories in a process they are calling reconstitution. The implication is if we recall the memory and process it in the right way over a period of time we can modify the memory. We used to call the process reframing. Now they are discovering the physical basis for what was a psychological process. Cool beans, eh :)

Ted
 
Gummi,

I had to serve in combat in 2004 for 6 months, so its been approximately 7 years now. I am starting a new "anniversary" of when I first went (February) and though I've definitely gotten much better in terms of hyper-sensitivity and trying to control my emotions the PTSD tends to flare up during the time I was there.... I don't know if your husband experiences this too? As for your therapy, I know mine helped me quite a bit and I only attended for 6 months. I'm sure you will learn a lot about yourself and how to calm yourself as I did. I wish you luck in it, its a great step to take.
 
Hey, I just found this site cause I seen your comment while googling for some help or maybe to find someone like you.

I'm 23 year old man and when I was 17, I ran my work mate over in a truck, in my workshop, it was a complete accident. I'm not even sure if I have PTSD but I know my feelings and emotions are starting to affect my everyday life alot worse than they ever have since it happened.

I would realy love to get to know you better. I have so many questions I could ask you. I'm just trying to work up the courage to do therapy but I don't know where to start.

Hope you read this and can find the time to reply so I can get to know you better. I also hope someone has been able to help you deal with what you have been going through. I've tried to be way to head strong for the last 6 years. Never thought I would need help, never asked for help. I guess I'm like you starting to crave talking to someone that might just understand.

<Edited for basic grammar>
 
I didn't stop someone from attempting to. That's just as bad, when you could have done something, and you have the chance to, but you don't stop it. It was bad. D: I feel awful about it. I didn't care. I just let her do what she wanted. D: I could have stopped her. I didn't care about her- it was like I wanted her to die. Had no emotions afterwards. It's awful when something like that happens, there's something inhuman and monstrous and hideous about yourself after you kill or almost kill or don't prevent a killing. D:

I feel sorry for anybody else going through that. You're all amazing people, you were just at the wrong place at the wrong time. Keep your head up high, you are loved.

Jen
 
I have killed one or two people...but only in my mind...and in many different ways. I even dug one of them up and killed him again, just because I CAN!:D
 
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