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Having a Hard Time Talking About It All

Discussion in 'General' started by Monarch, Apr 11, 2007.

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  1. Monarch

    Monarch I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    OK, so i feel like a complete loser for not being able to actually talk about why I have PTSD. Everyone seems so open here and people talk about it all the time. I can't even really do it in therapy yet and I have been going for almost a year. I will start to open up then I get overwhelmed and shut down then I feel like it is back to the drawing board. the only person that knows about everything is my therapist and that was through writing, other people that are close to me like my husband and friends I can't tell them, there is too much shame involved.

    I used to be a strong, idenpendent person now I am a pile of garbage.

    ICK!
     
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  3. Lisa

    Lisa Well-Known Member

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    Wow, Monarch I really relate to this. I can say why I have PTSD just about. But I'm not so great with the talking bit really, I find I shut down easily when it gets too much. Anything too close to the bone even just thinking about it sometimes, and I back right away by reflex, in whatever way I can.

    I don't think this is unusual. I don't have any great words of wisdom other than to give yourself time, and to try to overcome the fears of talking but be aware of pushing yourself too far also. Everyone has their own pace.

    It's crap. I get you.

    Lisa.
     
  4. Linda

    Linda Well-Known Member

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    I can totaly relate!
    I am not sure if would be able to talk about it if English would be my primary language. Whe talking in your second language, it is much easier, yes. Still never said anytning about it to anyone in Russian...
    I may have a hint, though.
    Had you tried to write it down for yourself only? Maybe if you do so, it will be easier then to talk.
    Good luck
    Linda
     
  5. Monarch

    Monarch I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    thanks Lisa, I think I may be a little scared to push it since I ended up standing in front of a light rail train in downtown Minneapolis the last time I brought everything up.

    I just want to move forward, I feel like I am sitting still now. I want to be able to face it and talk about it and get the pain out and realize it isn't shameful. When i try to do it I freeze.
     
  6. Monarch

    Monarch I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    I started writing it for myself then I shared it with my therapist. Talking about it or sharing it with people immediately is the hard part.
     
  7. Lisa

    Lisa Well-Known Member

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    Monarch... yeah, it is things like that which make dealing with PTSD dangerous.

    I tend to think that it is important to feel safe where you talk about it, and feel safe and trust the person you are talking to. You need to feel safe with a safety plan, and have a support system that can be there even when you might be trying to say you are okay and you are not. And these are just 'practicalities'.

    There is then the emotional side before you even get on to talking... you could maybe address what you are frightened of, and your feelings, before actually talking about anything specific. Sort of get onto the subject generally without going into it?

    I don't know... but this is an idea that I have never tried, or heard of but I wonder if when you are in therapy it might be an idea to raise the subject but to just sit with the intense emotion and then leave it. See how it goes. Maybe you could sit with your therapist, and you could just try thinking about it in front of her/him. Then talk about what's coming up feeling wise. Then maybe you will feel more comfortable saying the details?

    You may have tried these I don't know, but just some thoughts. keep trying, you will get there...
     
  8. Monarch

    Monarch I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    You are right I just have to keep trying, I feel pretty safe while in therapy, I am afraid what will happen after I leave and I am by myself, in the past working my way out.

    I just need to find my comfort zone and not be scared. Easier said than done I suppose.
     
  9. Nemesis

    Nemesis New Member

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    I can identify. I was a very strong, succesfull person. Now, not so much. I have been dealing with this like you for well over a year and I'm just getting to the point where I can handle talking to a psychiatrist about it.

    I get self-loathing when I juxtapose what and where I was five years ago and where I am now. There's plenty of blame to go around. I'm not offering you much solace other than to tell you that you are not alone.

    -Mark
     
  10. Marlene

    Marlene I'm a VIP Premium Member

    Writing about my feelings, emotions and all of my PTSD 'stuff' has always been so much easier for me than speaking about it. My therapist has told me on several occasions that when he has asked me to describe my emotions, that it's almost something I've had to physically force the words out of my mouth. Like my throat wants to close up. Too many years of keeping secrets and not having a 'voice'.

    I've been working on this by having small talks to my family about how I feel and my emotions. It's getting a bit easier each time and also I'm finding it's getting easier speaking to my therapist about my feelings and emotions.

    Practice, baby steps and working on expanding my safety bubble...with the hopes of popping that sucker one day.

    Monarch, I wanted to contradict you here. You're not a pile of garbage. Your a human being who has value and worth (we all are) who has been through something traumatic that has changed you (we all have). Being down on yourself is so easy, 'I'm a loser, I used to be strong, I should have been strong enough to get past this without falling apart''. I've said all of those things and more to and about myself. As I've dug down deep into my traumas and into myself, I've found a whole bunch of self-hatred and it took me a while to get through it and away from it. Getting away from beating yourself up and going towards telling yourself that you're worth the fight is one of the first, and to me, and hardest steps towards healing. But you are worth the fight...we all are.
     
  11. pandora

    pandora I'm a VIP

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    Hi Monarch

    i, too ahve this same thing happen to me. When someone (my therapist) started my therapy I could not speak, felt like my throat was closing up and I was also frozen. I n the past I think that this happened to me as well, now I have to learn to talk. It is hard when all the feelings and emotions have been locked away to open up. I have assessed this in a number of different ways, the utter sheer fear I feel when talking about the incident makes me freeze, I am used to hearing my mother scream"stop crying, stop talking" I did just this for years, no opinion was better for me, also since in my assault a pillow was held over my face and I feel like I am choking all over again.
    This is something that has truly made me feel like I am losing it. It is something I continue to work on today. This forum has helped me to feel not so all alone with this.
    Take care
     
  12. cookie

    cookie I'm a VIP

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    hey, monarch, i have hte same problem, not being able to talk, however, it has been easier to type. i recommend the diaries here, you can use the private ones, like me, and only a couple can see it. i printed it out and took it to my therapist (of 2 yrs) she was thrilled, as i hadn't been able to talk to her about it either. it also makes it easier if you reread your diaries from time to time. hang in there.
    cathy
     
  13. Monarch

    Monarch I'm a VIP Premium Member

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    first Nemisis, thanks for letting me know I am not alone. My husbands career is taking off the way mine did at one point, which I am very happy for him and also a little jealous because I don't have it in me right now to look beyond what I am doing now.

    Marlene & pandora I felt like a loser everytime I hit that wall of not being able to say anything or open up and talk about my emotions or what I am feeling. It all seems very simple when I think about it, just open your damn mouth and it will come out but then I try to do it and I fail and beat myself up. i feel a little bit better knowing it is part of the process and a very hard thing to get over. I guess I really need to tone down my expectations on myself, that is cause a huge amount of self-hate for me right now.

    Thanks again gang!
     
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