• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Having A Hard Time

Status
Not open for further replies.

duff

Learning
Hi all -

I wasn't sure which section this should go in!

I'm having a really hard time right now. Normally when I have a hard time (in the past year or so) I can make choices to adjust and increase the self care and subsequently decrease the anxiety.

Right now, however, nothing seems to be working! I feel like I'm trapped in a huge mess of my life and will never be able to get out of it. Here are my top stressors:

1) My master's thesis which is incomplete. I was supposed to turn it in next week but had a MEGA breakdown this weekend and decided to extend into the summer. I feel like it was a good decision - the best decision I could make right now. My stomach is still in the biggest knot about it though.

2) My job. Is a very stressful one. But nothing is happening more stressful than normal, and yet I feel paralyzed by stress and anxiety. The more paralyzed I am, the less I get done, the more anxious I get. All the reports from people around me are that I'm doing good, there is no reason to fear for anything and to take my job less seriously. People who are HIGH above me are saying this to my face. It seems to just bounce off me and I can't shake my dread. I wish someone would just fire me so I could rest and relax for a minute.

3) Someone I deeply trust and respect confronted me about losing weight and beginning to tip over into unhealthy-skinny realm of appearance. I had anorexia ages ago but worked so hard to correct the imbalance. I don't intentionally restrict or purge at all and I don't weigh myself, and I'm not obsessed with food. But, see the above two situations - I have a hard time hearing hunger and remembering that I need food when I am in a state of severe anxiety. Hence the intervention, I guess. So I emailed and got set up with two support groups and will also have a private consultation with an eating disorder psychologist just to check in and see what support options I have available. This is good, right? Yet the knot in my stomach remains.

4) My therapist is going on vaca out of the country for two weeks. Perfect timing right? I have the name and number of the person who is covering for her but when on earth am I going to call a complete stranger for support?? However, I did reach out to schedule a double session for tonight - our last night before her break.

5) Because of all of the above I made an appt with my psychiatrist to check in about my meds and see if she thinks an adjustment or new med will help. I took off work (anxiety inducing) to make the only opening she had today and she called to cancel this morning. I can't take off work again - this was my "emergency scenario sick day" and I rearranged three meetings at work. Because of how the geography of everything is arranged and the timing, I STILL won't be able to go to work. I will now have to wait for her to have an evening opening which could be weeks.

I'm trying so hard! And still feel like a crazy person. My anxiety is out of control. I don't what else I can possibly do. Thoughts???
 
@duff it sounds to me like you are being super pro-active in how you are handling all of this stress. That is awesome because i am still working on my avoidance issues. I just wonder if it is possible that you are doubting (due to past issues) whether you will ever be able to do 'enough'. That is what I am reading here so forgive me if I am off base.

Are you being kind to yourself and giving yourself credit for all that you have done? Sometimes self soothing is the most important piece. If you aren't able to self soothe let me help you. It sounds like you are kicking some serious a** during a very difficult time. It is obvious from your post that you have done some serious work on 'getting to know yourself' and gauging what you need during stressful and overwhelming times. I bet you could teach me a thing or two.
 
Thank you, @shimmerz - I really do appreciate that feedback!

I think I am doubting myself - you are right. I do feel like it will never be enough. I think I get in this mode of searching for the magic bean that will settle everything down. Like, if I were doing things right, why do I still feel so awful all the time? That thinking just makes me feel more awful, which leads to more thinking like that, which leads to more feeling awful. Such a terrible feedback loop!

I think you are right on the last part too - self-soothing is not a strength of mine. I do not like to be comforted, by myself or anyone else. When things get hard I just get angry and even more rigid about everything. It's so hard! I know I should focus more on that kind of thing. It's just hard to even know where to start. Maybe listening to you should be my first step. Thank you for your words!
 
I have a saying these days. Should'a would'a, could'a. Any times I say any of these words I try to catch myself. @duff you shouldnt'a wouldnt'a couldnt'a done a thing better than you already have. You put all the right things into place and did your best. Now just breathe. You have shown through this posting that you are proactive, an excellent planner, organizing, self regulation, (see, you can't hide - and I know you weren't trying to show me that but I saw it anyways). ;)

Now you just have to be kind to that piece of you that becomes afraid of not covering all the bases. Pat him on the back because I can't and I want to and I am not there. Do that for me willya? :D
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top