• 💖 [Donate To Keep MyPTSD Online] 💖 Every contribution, no matter how small, fuels our mission and helps us continue to provide peer-to-peer services. Your generosity keeps us independent and available freely to the world. MyPTSD closes if we can't reach our annual goal.

Relationship He Cheated On Me And I'm Stuck With All The Rage.

Status
Not open for further replies.
@camabelu - Thank you. I am amazed at the compassion I've found here.

I felt so petty and desperate for asking to see proof that he's called it off. I felt so small, begging for a sign that it really was over.
When he refused I asked why he wouldn't show me and he responds with "my dignity". AAAACKKKK!!!! He's worried about his dignity. Our marriage is falling apart and he's worried about his dignity.

I know what I'm feeling is raw wounds from the betrayal. I don't want to hold onto this rage. I really don't. I want to move towards healing.
I just don't know how to if I can't even get a simple gesture of trust from him.
 
His friend told me that he's got himself a female friend that he's having a 'flirty' relationship with and that he reaches out to her instead of his wife because he doesn't want to seem weak to his wife. And that this is common with PTSD sufferers.
I'm going to echo what other have said and say that is complete BS and degrading to say of PTSD sufferers.

No where is cheating a-hole listed as a symptom of PTSD.

I've done more than a few totally screwed up things in relationships in order to try and a manage all the pain of PTSD, but PTSD absolutely does not excuse my behavior. Period.

Your rage, your anger, your hurt, your tears and even your distrust is completely justified. I think it is wise to want to see evidence of him breaking it off with her and it is completely sketchy that he hasn't shown that to you or done other things to rebuild the trust he broke. I think it would be unwise to trust him right now and a sign of your emotional health that you are angry and that you don't trust him and that you are asking for evidence of change. Those are very good things.

I have had to rebuild trust in a relationship. It is very humbling. But there is a difference between facing the humbling process it is to rebuild trust and a process that takes away dignity.

He trashed his own dignity when he cheated on his wife.

He probably feels humiliated to face what he has done and the natural and normal consequence that it destroyed your trust in him. He should feel guilty. He has a choice to either allow that guilt to propel him towards change or trash your trust even more and try to excuse or deny his behavior and the hurtful consequences of it away.

It's great you are seeking out counseling to help support you in this.

He has a choice in who he choses to trust, and he chose someone who was willing to have an affair with a married man. She is not exactly the model of emotional health herself. You are right that he needs to get his butt into see a real licensed therapist. It may even be a boundary that you consider setting with him - that in order to stay together, he needs to do xyz, including therapy with a real therapist so he won't go out trying to get that need met elsewhere. This would be a reasonable thing to ask for, along with clear proof the relationship is over.

I'm so sorry for what you are going through. :hug:
 
Last edited:
No where is cheating a-hole listed as a symptom of PTSD.
That made me chuckle for the first time in days. Thanks :p

He has a choice to either allow that guilt to propel him towards change or trash your trust even more and try to excuse or deny his behavior and the hurtful consequences of it away.

Yeah, you're right that's his choice. I can't do anything if he chooses to continue trashing my trust.
In an ideal world, he would provide these acts of trust-building because he actually wants to and understands their importance to me. But we are far from an ideal world.

On a good note, I think he's open to getting real therapy. He's been talking to his family down south and perhaps go down there as there is limited resources where we are. I really think he may need psychiatric treatment. This has gone beyond just counselling. I hope that he'll commit to really working on his PTSD with a professional team.
 
Your husband is likely a narcissist. He may even be what is called a covert narcissist. They typically are much much harder to spot. They have a nice exterior personality which hides the inner monster. Now you see the truth though. Hes a monster. He is phony and is trying to essentially blame you for his behavior, which is a double whammy of abuse. Also PTSD has NOTHING to do with cheating. He is liar and manipulator. I am sorry you are having this horrible experience! The next thing I'm going to say is the harder part, but is true. Narcissist don't change, they just hide and lie until the next crisis and blame you all over again, and this is why all professionals urge you to divorce them ASAP.
 
he reaches out to her instead of his wife because he doesn't want to seem weak to his wife.

I can see this. (And ONLY this.) Sometimes I can't reach out to the ones who love me the most. Sometimes I can't bear to put that on them. Constantly worrying that you are putting too much on someone just plain sucks.

BUT.......I don't EVER carry it any further than friendship. And never do I ever throw it back on people with the attitude of "you suck because you weren't there for me so I got support elsewhere."

Fine, if he wants to reach out to someone for help, then that is OK. What is not ok is flirting, emotionally cheating, and doing only God knows what else online with other women.

Your husband is a d-bag and so is his best buddy. Yeah, let them both blame PTSD and see how far that gets them!
 
Your husband is likely a narcissist. He may even be what is called a covert narcissist.
I'm sorry do you have a doctorate in Psychology? and have you spend several hours with her husband in therapy in order to diagnose him with something as serious as Narcissism? Because if you don't then throwing around words like that is irresponsible and dangerous. Also Narcissism is in fact a controllable disorder if he does have it and chooses to get help for it so "Divorce him ASAP" would not be the professional advice most trained therapists would give.

@still_i_rise is a hurting right now and she doesn't need people demonizing the man she loves on top of the hurt and pain she is feeling.

I'm sorry if I sound short but as a woman who was married to a man diagnosed with co-morbid narcissistic personality disorder and psychopathy I get really upset when people throw around terms for serious mental disorders that they couldn't possibly diagnose.
 
Last edited by a moderator:
@still_i_rise You have every right to feel angry. He betrayed you, then had the balls to try and justify it. It wouldn't matter if he had PTSD, bipolar, a blow to the head, hysterical pregnancy, ingrown toenails AND diabetes all together. The fact that you are even feeling guilty for having a normal human reaction and still acting as a supporter shows that you are a far better woman than he realizes he has. I would be out doing donuts on somebody's lawn, so kudos to you.

Please take care of yourself. It's good that you are looking into counselling. It seems that a lot of times supporters are pretty good at supporting everybody but themselves.
 
@Solara - I can totally appreciate that you would need to reach out to other people to confide in. I can understand that he doesn't want to burden me with his struggles all the time. I can also understand that there are aspects of his trauma that he is not ready to talk to me about because I'm so close to him. That's fine.

As you said, it's all the other lines that he crossed that sucks.
 
Frack!! Don't know where to keep my anger.

He self-admitted into the ER early this morning. Just got a call from the doctor. They're going to keep him there for psychiatric evaluation.
I've been wanting this to happen for a year. I'm relieved that we might actually be getting some real help.

I am still pissed that he lied and cheated.
But right now I need to him to not slide downwards any further.

I called the employee assistance program this afternoon at work. Bawling my eyes out. Don't know which emotion is driving the tears....
 
Status
Not open for further replies.
Back
Top