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Relationship He Only Sees My Flaws

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Glass Hill

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I'm new to the forum but have been reading your stories for weeks, you have all helped me understand and heal, thank you!

I met my BF in the summer and we became deeply connected quickly. He and I spend countless hours just talking. We had an intoxicating passion for each other, so many common interests, we were similar in many ways but unique to ourselves. His friends loved me and loved how happy he was, I was told many times that we were perfect for each other and we brought out the best.
I won't get into too many details but for me, at 39 years old I can tell you I believe I met my match, my partner in crime, my soul mate, my best friend.

Two weeks ago he broke up with me after a 4 month relationship. He said he couldn't commit to me or give me their assurance he would always be there for me and my daughter, he has many issues and does not deal with them, he self medicated and avoids. I am aware I cannot fix him, force him or change him. I have come to peace with the break up but hold out hope he may take the steps to help himself and maybe one day we can be together.

My question is this... Why would this once caring, loving man now have no compassion or empathy for me and start pointing out my life challenges to friends. He is unfairly judging me, making assumptions, and showing no remorse for breaking my heart.

He called me his dream girl, he praised me for how I walk through my life with strength and optimism and now he cuts me down at every chance with mutual friends. It is very hurtful. Is it because he needs to convince himself I am the problem instead of owning his own truth? Any insight would help. I miss him and knew what I was getting into but loved him regardless of his physical and mental problems.
 
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He is unfairly judging me, making assumptions, and showing no remorse for breaking my heart.
First off, Welcome to the Forum Glass Hill. It seems as though you had a great summer romance and maybe his true colors are now showing. Someone who was meant to be your soul mate would not want to spend a minute apart from you, would not hurt your spirit in any way, and would be gentle with your soul.

I know your heart must hurt deeply as it seems at first, he was so loving. Right now, comfort yourself and know that it is definitely not you. He has his own issues. Focus on your daughter, show her that you can continue on despite this challenge so that she learns from you how to one day deal with this herself. And most of all, consider what you had for this short time a blessing for the time it lasted. Let it go and gracefully know in your heart that you do deserve better. Love is unconditional not judgmental and cruel. My prayers are with you. Rising Sun
 
So sorry you're going through this. It seems strange why he is doing this now. Sounds like he is sabotaging the good things in his life and that it's a deeper issue of his own.

Can you possibly arrange to meet with him (maybe through a mutual friend), so that you could request him to be respectful of you and so that you can tell him how you feel about this, how he's hurting you, and maybe get some answers?

:hug:
 
I'm a sufferer.

Maybe his stress cup overflowed and he's shut down....gone numb, and is self-destructing, taking down others along the way?

The thing is that when our stress cups overflow, sometimes we will do anything to eliminate stress. Unfortunately, that sometimes means we push away those we love.
 
@Solara
I know his stress cup overflowed... It dumped all over the place in the last few months and he's been shutting down but holding tight and trying so hard. Kept saying he doesn't want to lose me and I always gave him reassurance. Our break up was complicated. He text me after saying he's lucky if an hr goes by without thinking of me and my daughter. He said he despises himself for hurting me. I have set some bounderies since the break up because he is hurting me but also made it very clear I am here for him. It's been a week and he's not contacted me. He talks to everyone around me. Do I stick with no contact or do I reach out? We were supposed to spend Christmas together. A mutual friend of ours asked me to come spend it with her and her family so I wasn't alone. He reached out to her and asked her if he could spend it with them (not knowing she asked me) so I told her to do it, he shouldn't be alone. I love him, I want him back but I won't push or allow my personal boundaries to be compromised. Do I wait for him? I'm confused what to do :( No contact is no communication which makes distance so hard but I want to respect his choice too. Help? Anyone?
 
Hi @Glass Hill. I don't if this helps or not, but I thought I would share the advice I received the first time I asked my T (whose opinion I valued because a) he has expertise with PTSD and b) he's a man) on whether I should go no contact or not, the first time my guy withdrew from me.

He said "Do what you think is right, and hope for the best." I stared at him for a moment, then said "What, that's it?" He said yeah. Then he pointed out that I had no way of knowing for sure what my guy wanted me to do, because it's entirely possible that my guy didn't even know himself.

Eventually I realised that this was good advice, because I was spending so much time and effort agonising about what the Right Thing To Do was, that it was doing my head in. Once I made a decision about what I was going to do, and stuck to it, things felt a lot easier for me. I accepted that there was a good chance my guy would never come back to me, but decided I would send him a text message every few days, to let him know that I hadn't abandoned him. I didn't ask any questions, I just told him what I'd been up to and said I hoped he was doing alright.

This is such a hard thing to go through. I wish you all the best. Look after yourself.
 
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@Wastinglight thank you for sharing that with me. I feel no contact is best but I also want to reach out so he knows I haven't abandoned him and that I'm still here. It's tough. I take it day by day. May I ask what happened for you and yours?
 
He called me his dream girl, he praised me for how I walk through my life with strength and optimism and now he cuts me down at every chance with mutual friends. It is very hurtful. Is it because he needs to convince himself I am the problem instead of owning his own truth?

My vet can be super critical, and I'm not totally sure if it's the PTSD or the military mentality they pounded into him. However, I had to ask him once if he was purposely looking for enough minor bad traits to justify him breaking up with me. Was he that afraid of being in a healthy relationship with a person who treated him well? It gave him a little food for thought.

The hard part is not taking it all so personally and believing you are a bad person.
 
May I ask what happened for you and yours?

We are still together and it's going well - although he still wants more space than I am quite comfortable with. We're about to hit the 6 month mark, so early days yet, but we are both serious about this relationship.

But very early in the relationship (and by early, I mean a few weeks in), he became quite distant from me for a couple of months. He told me later on that there was just too much stress happening in his life, and I was just the newest thing on top of the pile. I wrote about those early days here:

https://www.myptsd.com/threads/i-wa...e-her-for-what-it-is-worth.49558/#post-788728

Hugs if you need them :)
 
Thank you for all the kind words and encouraging stories. @Wastinglight he asked me to keep things light and we were but at the same token he talks about the future, fantasizes about living together, renovating his house to my liking, me using his shop for my business, we planned a trip for January to Mexico, and then it all came crashing down. I gave him space a few weeks back because his stress cup was full and I could see it. I told him I was giving him space but sent the morning and evening text but that's it. Some days he responded and was very chatty, others he was short. Long story short... I found out he signed up on a dating website during that week and was devastated. He said he didn't do anything, he barley got out of bed, he said he was lonely. Was it because I gave him space without him asking for it?? It doesn't excuse what he did, it was hurtful and wrong but we were working through it slowly, he was still some what shut down but somewhat open. I gave it time and had patience. A week later we went on a weekend away with my daughter, had an amazing time and then... A text came in on his phone and I saw it.... a woman calling him baby, saying she felt deliciously beautiful. He swears it's just a friend, one he's never met, she was from online a few years ago. It's inappropriate and hurtful. I was so hurt. I cried. I was never angry, I cried and said it isn't ok, placed my boundaries and asked if he wanted to be with me. He shut just down in the moment completely, said he needed to rest so I left. The next day he broke up with me saying he was sorry he caused me pain, he would never cheat on me but couldn't give me the reassurance or commitment he would always be there for me and my daughter.

I know I deserve better, I'm not stupid and make no excuses for his hurtful tactics BUT also know when depressed, feeling low people try to escape to a fantasy world to feel better. I get that. He said he is ashamed, I deserve better, he despises himself... I am patient and forgiving but I can't be blind. If it was anyone else, not suffering, I would walk and never think twice. So here we are 2 weeks since break up, last time I saw him he cried and said he was sorry, and now it's been a week since we last spoke. I want to reach out but I feel I will look needy or like a sucker for punishment. Any advice?
 
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I know I sound crazy but... My heart tells me he wants me, he always treated me so well and showed his love when he was ok. He tried to sabbatoge this healthy relationship. I understand why. But I have bounderies and he has made mistakes. I can get past this but he has to as well and I know he beats himself up about it, rightfully so. I haven't contacted him because I want him to put his big boy panties on and be brave. He knows I love him and forgive him. I want to reach out but am being stubborn. Please help!!
 
My husband isn't military, but we've had moments in our relationship where he's tried to self sabotage or push me away and we've talked about it many times. It usually occurs at points in his/our life where things just get too much for him and his stress cup overfills and spills all over the place. He'll talk to me about how he doesn't deserve me or I can do better and he feels bad being with me (doesn't listen when I tell him how much worth he does have and does bring to the relationship, etc. because in his mind or his self critic is taking over and it's all the negative things he learned growing up taking over) and wants to push me away so I can have a supposedly better life without him. And other times when his stress cup overflows, it's his brain wanting to protect him and simplify everything around him whether its pushing me away or if he wants to just run away from everything thats too overwhelming for him at that moment in life.

Anyways that may not be his/your situation, but he may feel like he doesn't want to bring his problems into yours and your daughters life. Now I don't know anything about him or you, but if he loves you, he may be trying to push you away out of guilt or what not.

Just my little bit of experience for what my husband and I have been going through over the past 6 years.
 
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